If one like me, who in last writing(s) has made so much of the matter of surprise, is without some testimony in himself of it (just as having the testimony of Jesus Christ within is all life to a man) then such a man without testimony is just an empty jangler and clanging cymbal. And I cannot deny that may well be my estate, God knows. Just a box of pebbles when shaken that makes some noise. As said, God knows.
But rather than seek to enumerate for proof(s) the many places of surprise (and yes, shocks, too) that might appear persuading…or even “go to the scriptures” to establish any seemingly righteous justification (which is never forbidden), I am rather found persuaded to say only this:
There has been for me no place of, what I am persuaded is Christ’s intervening in “my life” (from first confession and onward), that has not been without some great surprise and perhaps even more frequent…shocks. If there has been any advancement at all, (for only God knows) not one step forward has come apart from some inherent reproof (and often rebuke) of a once present estate to (if one can receive it) goad me ahead. I have to be prodded. I have to be…moved.
And that might be one of the greater shocks/surprises of which I have been made aware. Of myself, I am entirely inert. And oh, of course, I didn’t always think myself so. I was a doer of stuff to myself. Even when surprised on an evening that I expressed my being unimpressed being “around all these Jesus people” and what so called “God was doing” I later found myself blubbering like a baby and confessing Jesus Christ as Lord, yes…even after, I retained a strong sense of my ability and abilities.
Yes, I was surprised at the one who had no problem raising his hand when questioned from the front “Is there anyone here who is not excited about the Lord?” shooting it up to singly distinguish himself…but later finding himself quite broken down. Yes, I easily agreed something happened that night. Even something surprising to that man/child/boy. But of my own ability I was (or so it seemed, yes only seemed) not dissuaded at all.
And I could speak of several intervening years of experiences and adventures in disregard…which…quite shockingly led to a place of such desolation and despair that this man/boy knew beyond doubt something of this (and such) terribleness had been so precisely aimed at him, that he could not deny. It was too perfect in its precision, accuracy, execution…and reduction. Something “else” happened. Someone else…was happening to him.
No doubt any could find place to quibble about true conversion vs some false equivalency of it that such as God does not deal so harshly with His own, and that that man/boy who, even if walking in such forgetting of that night of blubbering years ago might think of it as some form of “conversion experience”, it never really was so. I couldn’t agree more with one’s right to see or say so.
But this man was there. And he remembers as surely now as when this and these words happened to him, rising as it were from inside himself from a place both unfamiliar and completely unbidden; but as surely true as they were in both their perfect clarity and no less perfect phrasing:
“To him who has more shall be given, but to him who has not, even that which he thinks he has shall be taken from him”
“which he thinks he has”
Both shock and surprise…and all at once. A man too perfectly described of all presumption that was himself…but…hearing! Even hearing of such a man from a place he knows he could have never “said it to himself” from. Of course no presumptuous man could ever show himself of such gross presumption, for it is his very (and total) inclination to remain unaware and deny anyone able to add to his conversation(s). The man so perfectly right to himself…being displayed as so totally…wrong. Who could do…that?
The time it has taken to relate these things so far exceeds what that man knew and experienced in that instant (like the twinkling of an eye) of surprise. Yes “that man” is all wrong and deserving of being totally stripped…but…the one telling him so…is “inside”. Shock and surprise? Surprise and shock? I have entered something I know I cannot relate to any fulness to anyone. Suffice it to say (though their have been innumerable missteps, misapprehensions, bull in china shop reactions undeniable, and yes…even more often displays of presumption made plain), yes, suffice it to say, there was a sea change…if you will.
That man needed to know that who of who would “still speak to him” while so self occupied as to not even recognize the speaker’s reality. Yes, that thrilled him beyond any “feeling bad” about being such a wretch…(and wretch undeniable and beyond description). See, this cannot be explained. That man has (still and often) “felt bad” (it is also undeniable) to even a cringing at times at himself and his ways, but that speaker has never…ever…left him without hope. And that is the inexplicability of it.
How the great wretch (even greatest) is given hope.
No, it is not by denying his wretchedness, no it is not by some clever “letting himself off the hook” for he knows how he squirms like a worm there plainly to himself, and it would be and is an undeniable right of to any to ask, or to further seek to pin down such a worm by whatever additional probing seems called for by any, and of why such a wretched thing…could have hope.
I am not unfamiliar of how talk of wretchedness may seem (in these present days) and among the some who confess Christ…as either unfitting or unsettling. To some, no doubt, it must appear as wallowing…perhaps even some heretical denial of being cleansed. Yes, surely, I cannot deny how it may appear. Likewise I cannot deny it can have the appearance of a penance, another heresy of self flagellation whereby “feeling bad enough” is looked upon as some expiation (in heresy) of what only Christ can do to “let one off the hook” (so to speak).
Yep, I get it. Nevertheless the worm calls for being pinned down, the thing to be examined requiring a necessary stopping of all its own motions so that proper exam, or fullness of what is contained within of motive can be either accomplished to exposure, or discerned for right fitting disposal, or seen.
Yikes! We might even ask the Christ if He knows anything about this!
Jesus…do you know anything about being opened up completely so that what was inside…would be “let out”? Do you? What comes out of you…when being “pinned down” like a worm?
Yes…a reason for thieves and worms to have hope. Mercy. The only hope for thieves and worms. Thieves of glory and worms loving corrupt and dead things for their sustenance, preferred above the heavenly. Mercy.
I am a bit unashamed. But God knows this does not mean I too, haven’t been unsurprised by how abundant is that being of unashamed (estate) and can be to such a worm. It is remarkable, astounding…even breathtaking. Death and life…and all at once. A worm that by all logical accounts should feel so bad at being displayed a worm to a complete and utter silence…has the temerity…even the boldness to speak.
Perhaps we could even ask Paul? What was “having that same spirit of faith” that bid him speak? Did he overemphasize Christ’s work toward even the chiefest of sinners to be unpalatable? Too much talk of grace, man! When do we get “to do”? What do we “have to do” to do? A worm in its motions.
Yeah…been there, done that. “I wanna be like that guy, or that guy, or that guy up there giving such great sermons or words that lift, or rightly advise, or caution and warn.” I wanna have what they have.
I said that once to that brother I previously mentioned and recognized as an apostle…(at least to me.) I watched the ease with which all in conversation was always brought around to the Christ of God, his Lord. How that with such joy this fellow seemed consumed with nothing but that…no matter how many other things seemed apparent to situation or conversation. I saw it too many times. And far too many times to be unimpressed by it. So many times that eventually I was reduced to beggar undeniable, position of admission of an envy made unavoidable to saying “I want what you have” a plain supplicant exposed.
(Others once said to a man “give us this meat to eat”)
“I want what you have”
Without hesitation or even time for thoughtful phrasing came this:
“To have what I have you will have to lose what I lost”
I see now (even with some surprise) he was prepared to that statement/question/request and for that question.
I understand, as we all must come to, any and all matters if idolization are dealt with according to their need. But I cannot overstress the spontaneity, and to me, rightness of the exchange. I had no coveting of his position, he had already been removed from a local assembly, even one he had helped establish.
Asked to leave/booted/adjudged to be of such error that the other leaders/elders (of which he was “once one”) caused his departure. And which he bore in joy with no recriminations for any. He was either already then, or shortly thereafter, to endure the same (but now “local” to me.)
It was common knowledge and held by all I ever met of that first congregation, that it had grown out of home meetings (his home) and fellowship. And now returning to “my” area (where I met him) in which he had some roots of both nativity and remaining family, he would also be booted again.
A man “out of order”. “Teaching” from his abode, some question of abusing hospitality (his own mother’s) and generally to be “someone else’s problem”. Basically…”you gotta go home, get your own house in order (especially in regards to his marriage and wife) stop presenting yourself as one of some calling…and basically ‘get yer mind right’ and go get along with the prior elders who had put you out.”. You have no place here. And it was there in having no place, I was joined to him.
He remained a wild man. And that is what I most probably and consciously didn’t know I was seeing, but wanted, nonetheless. A man unhindered by polity or convention of situation or conversation…for him it was “always about Jesus”.
Yes, I was provoked to jealousy. No, I find no shame in that…regardless of all my subsequent misunderstandings and necessary rebukes and chastening’s born of what remained of presumption. Find the road, for Christ’s sake, find the road…the Lord will attend to any missteps along the way…if it is indeed, His road. Don’t worry (besides as need be, you’ll find rebuke(s) for that, too). In one way…one may learn that is indeed His road, by the many necessary chastenings.
That is how one (perhaps like me) is able to say unashamed, and if found to have any progressing, not one bit has come from “Hey you’re really doing things right”…or…”keep going, doing as well as you are doing”. Ha! Nope. If anything has come (and come as either surprise or shock…and often both at once) “it” has come by…”you don’t see as well as you think, or know, or even speak (or write).”
“And I will show you and prove it to you”…shock and awe! If I speak of mercy, as though it could be summed up…redemption, salvation, any so called mystery of grace or faith…NO! (or yes) “you don’t know the half of it!” Look and see!
I am not unusually found a poor beggar playing dress up in a King’s robes. Still, and even to myself. The moment there is any entertaining of my own rightness (OK…maybe moments after, dare I admit to days or years after?) I find myself in any admiration…I have given Heaven perfect ground coordinates for carpet bombing.
What one might appraise as to be to another’s shame, I cannot help but admit…I’m very terrorized of lying in this place. But my boast (as I hope) is always of Heaven’s response to such a fool…even if such boast seem…delayed. And (God help me), may it even be when such bombing causes such a one to be so disfigured among men…and beyond bear-ability or belief.
Yes…faithful are the wounds of (and from) a friend.
May we all die and be consumed of, and by, what is friendly fire.
We all, who believe, sense and know that fire is coming, as it has already been kindled quite perfectly in the earth, by another.
May we answer His from Heaven by being rightly consumed.
Our light in the natural is only a simile, a metaphor, a type and shadow found in this creation, of the true light. And that light is of all impact, it will utterly crash into all and anything that is not made transparent to it, allowing fullest penetration.
What is able to make and cause any to stand in that day, is set for the demolition of all else.
He’s coming.
Even declaring to those who can hear…
“Behold, I come quickly”…
and surely sooner than I know or could say.
And we are moved.
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