Now there’s a lofty title, surely. Without a doubt someone looks like they are going to parade about as though they know something, and particularly in some form of a boast of knowing what man does not know. And do this while claiming to be some sort of man himself? Isn’t that absurd?
Or, is he no more than a kindergartener at recess taunting another with “I know something you don’t know, I know something you don’t know” in some sing-songy lilt and rhythm?
God knows, surely, but if pressed, I’d go with the second view. God knows all of that child’s failings as man in trying to be a man according to his own view of what it means to be one. Far better to admit to being barely more than infantile; and safer, too. Particularly safer if not feigning toward some heavenly endorsement of a maturity that child know he lacks when another of stature is in sight.
And that child can all too easily now admit to an ignorance too overwhelming for his own bearing; he has always been in the presence of a greater. That he too often never recognized (even often still does not recognize) is plain to any observer, and what is even more plain that at best, and in all his declarations, he is still bound by his own thoughts that only provide to him hints.
Yes, mostly a child engaged in boasts. But even children have hints of propriety, proven out when they either adjust behaviors or tone down a taunt when they see the teacher approaching on the schoolyard, or parent entering their room where they previously tormented a younger sibling. We cannot escape discipline, even if or when we claim it of some facelessness as in “Life has taught me”.
And this child is persuaded life has a face. A face that has shown up. And shows up. And most often, even to himself seemingly unbidden…even at those times when such behavior would seem to deny that presence, or have some silly hope of not being seen. It is now too far beyond this child to now ever claim any good behavior, even if he might more easily like to be noted for it, or some. No, his most true confession of anything he might like to claim or think as hint of it is all and only attributable to “I am watching being watched” is all. Life has taught him of an eye unblinking and far more effectually proved in rebuke and chastening than anything other.
Yes, he may have some desire to hear words of “well done”, but he has also learned that that desire can be far too easily taken advantage of, and that he has likewise and far too often been inclined to make them up as for himself, to deliver to himself. Yes, he cannot deny also being caught in playing make believe. He’d like to grow up (or so he thinks) but that make believe is so often shown as having such hold that he is convinced he never shall unless forced to. And force and power…and all authority, likewise as life…has a face.
This face that demands facing (even by all force, power, and authority) holds those selfsame eyes that demand all seeing. Even such seeing that one is being seen and watched. A man knows himself as having an eye to what he is convinced are his own thoughts…even in picking over them as though his own, pursue that one with a continuity (it appears profitable for now) abandon that one as of no present use, run from that one in terror and try to lock it up, or hide one’s face from that one for the sheer shame of it wondering (perhaps rightly) “where in hell did that come from?”
That…can’t be me, right? Yet…you and I know where it appeared. You will, just like me in regards to thoughts, claim some…but O! some others…we cringe at thought of making such known as having appeared in ourselves. Surely those are not for, nor cannot be for, parade. We want to hide even our faces from acknowledging our having them. And, we do. And so in hiding from ourselves, (or at very least seeking to) how can we not but hide from one another? Small wonder then how even the notion of an unblinking eye is often too discomfiting. And hide and seek seems a game we forever, even as children, go about playing.
For in almost all matters of relationship and most common commerce by and among men, our seeming right to know how true another is, or what we think is the truth about another, comes quite naturally to ourselves. We turn an eye to them, when in search of that truth about them, and this most often for determining friend or foe status. And, of course, such relationships need never, and are never limited to the strictly personal level, our opinions formed of judgments being in exercise far and wide. Jesus well knew/knows our predilection for judging. Our weakness toward our own selves in deciding whether a thing is good or not.
Do we not tend to deem a man, if sensing any operation of his seeking to hide a something from us far differently than the one of whom we sense being open and plain…at least toward us? One may appear crooked as a snake, the other a straight shooter. Our disdain of one and affinity or affection for another, seem plain enough to us. One appears devious, the other honest and true (or so we esteem them).
But if it is true (and I can make no other adhere to it) that we know that particular experience in our own consciousness of putting off, putting down, or in whatever fashion seeking to divorce ourselves from certain thoughts and or considerations…even when found in ourselves worthy of some latter repressing, those “darker things” mentioned, we may rarely consider how much that operation itself skews the mechanism of our judgments.
It is, perhaps, in some ways (when seen and appreciated as such) like jamming clumpy dirt into what we of ourselves consider our O! so fine devices and mechanism(s) of judgment. Like pouring sand into a tuned engine. Or one that should be. Or as severe voltage spikes might affect what we have considered a finely tuned meter. They may still give out some sort of reading, but they are then in many ways far worse than than one completely fried and plainly showing itself of all uselessness.
And I hold to some maintaining that Jesus Christ’s ministry to, and among men, was precisely that in greater part. To not only force a facing of how broken and distorted we are in all our judgments in our self known (even when denied) repressions of what would be called sinful thoughts and tendencies that leads to that blindness of our own deeds, while judging others for what we see of them (or believe we do) in that blindness; but that particularly He had come as sort of thief in the night (that night of our own blindness) to expose by a stealing from us (and frankly showing) the poverty of our own selves in seeking to justify such as an exquisite holding to truth.
And of course, it is no accident nor mere happenstance that His words and deeds were often done in the face of the religious of that day (some might say the most exquisitely religious) and with such even conversations with them, recorded. These were those of most refined religious palate, trained and educated well beyond their charges, known for their exacting attentions to details whose studies were of such diligence and extremity as would become and seemingly merit a those being called leaders. Not merely the keepers (so to speak) of the faith, but the very connoisseurs of it. They sat in Moses’ seat to be the teachers of the people of Israel.
And their seeming reverence for the man of that name, Moshe rabbenu (Moses our teacher) as above all men, while not excluding Avraham, was ingrained. This to them was their foundational claim of superior man and man among men, who were known as servants of God. And a man will find God is the most powerful trump card playable he is able to summon to justify himself in his doings.
And the Jews of that day had laid what was to them exclusive claim to that God above all other gods. What held to other gods, held practices of, to, and for other gods, these Jews held by assurance of their own history and pieties as being inferior, and their practitioners esteemed as dogs. And, as is not uncommon among the most deeply religious and religiously bound, they were quite convinced of their understanding(s), and of their sure apprehension of all matters of that history to even knowing fully all their own purpose for being.
It is a very common, if not the most common estate, not merely for the religious, but as Jesus saw and knew, of every man. Self convinced of purpose. All in service to a self deemed indispensable to the world. The self in its being does not deny its self in being, (i.e. knowing that it is) and thence leaps to: it has therefore to be, and maintained therefore by all efforts of maintenance.
Yes, every man has a god he serves. Even the staunchest and most strident of so called nihilists, denying any and all meaning of, for, or to anything is found serving a very particular notion. Of himself. And Jesus is/was unafraid to address this very core of things, especially amongst those who claimed God as core. And a disciple only learns in following, not that Jesus always knew more than He “let on”, as if being deceptive, but reserving till such time as could be received; such was in a man made able to be received.
I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. Jn 16:12-14
Yes, Jesus had/has disciples. Peculiar insomuch as I may take liberty to say. Their falling out as to what is and what is not disciple is not as may be made of common display, and most often of common acceptance. The practices (of which there may be many), the confessions (of which there may be many), the touting of experiences (of which there may be many) nor adopting of a particular name to themselves (of which, yes, there are very very many) do not speak of it. Reciting holy letters surely does not speak of it. (Nor writing much, surely) No, a distinguishing mark, if not the distinguishing mark (and God knows if I am being presumptuous) in and of a disciple is that power exercised upon him that is causing him to stay. Might he wander? No doubt. Might he not apprehend or misapprehend? Surely.
But in all, and ultimately, the mark that distinguishes is to him that someone he dare not escape (and he has learned it is not of his own choosing nor doing of that dare not) who speaks to him, and is able to, as shown in John 16:12 above. For there is a man, with a company of His own, and quite known to Him, to which He is unafraid to say in any fear of losing “You can’t handle the truth…yet” No man can hear that unless prepared by another and for another to such convincing of the truth of that other, that he is not offended to an ultimate departure.
Do we really think or imagine the disciples understood the eating of his flesh and the drinking of his blood as life itself in far better apprehension than all the others who departed? Jesus even asked them if they would also go. No, they did not say “Nah, we’ll stick around because we get it Lord, we’re hip to what you are saying” No, not at all. Their only response is the only response a disciple has to give in such circumstance…”you’ve really ruined us as far as anything anyone or anything else might have to offer…it’s you alone who both gets it, and has it, and gives it…” Even if we don’t get it…yet. We have believed…and come to know….you’re it.
Now, if you are able, hear this. Even if you hate that transliteration above. The disciple is being kept, and kept with, and to him, some knowing there is nothing, no thing, or any one as the Lord. It is a good confession…”to whom shall we go?” for there is none like you. Just as Peter made likewise confession…”thou art the Christ, the son of the living God”.
And what I say next, God help me, I do not say at all to make a point of anyone’s foibles. We know that after these wonderful comings to know, of being persuaded to making too wonderful confession, we are left recorded denials, corrections made as to the Lord in boasts of a superiority over brothers, and an unright interest in Christ’s plan for others…”What will this man do?”
And of such things I often write and remember. I cannot anymore escape their recalling (and mention) it seems, than I can escape myself.
I need to know them as both true, but not merely so as for themselves as things verified, but also to see the Lord’s grace to such…in His keeping. I am the man who has made confession…even in claim to some knowing. I am the man who, even if in unknowing, has corrected the Lord with preferences, and more, preference of how I would like to see myself.
God forbid I lie about any and all those places I have thought myself superior. God forbid I deny, God forbid I deny. For if in such denial or any seeking at all, whatsoever, and dodging at all whatsoever, to lay out as plainly as I can of what sort of man I am, and therein deny the grace of God and the mercy of Christ…God help me.
It is as we may eventually come to find out, such a small thing for a man to confess what he is when he is in any beholding of Christ’s work of making Himself plain. To show who He is by a submission to a death on behalf of others, where in, and from, such place of greatest pressing He continued in fullest ministry of grace, mercy, and truth.
I see two men, one in all need of saving, one fully devoted to that work. And not only in a then, as though historically or temporally such and such took place for salvation, but that in the very now, there is one who ever liveth to make intercession. It is far more than some pleasing notion or comforting consideration, it is in some way inexplicable, life to me. I am simply unable, in light of who I am, to see, or assent to, or assert to any conviction the necessity of that truth in its working and utmost of necessity…to me. I cannot support it ever by reason.
Yes, I am older but some may not consider me quite old, I have surely been around some…but without doubt…not as some as others. And I am not unfamiliar with such things as “see yourself as Christ sees you” as though a remedy is needed for this estate. As though a man in whatever way he knows himself as not the Lord (at all) in that, His perfection; must be so grievously lost in a misery counter to (even denying) the Lord’s work and promise of life and peace. Yet, it is not that, no, it is not that, at all.
Without doubt I too would have seen it that way, and surely had that disposition…once. Of course I never could phrase it in such a way as now I do or am made able, because the old man’s thinking (of which the new man can see far more clearly) is not such for much understanding, much less clarity of expression. But I can testify of a man who once moved according to a notion that growth/progress/attentiveness…would lead to a far more pleasing (in the ways the flesh is pleased) beholding of itself. It was like “grow grow grow” till you are finally shiny and appreciate your own shininess.
“Oh, but you are really gonna like then how very good you are”. (Sounds like something you might hear from a snake in your garden).
Anything to take eyes and attentions away from a friend walking with you.
For others who may have already come to a better understanding I have nothing to add, obviously. And to those others who already have, it’s easy to see how juvenile a notion such is. But to see Christ’s mercy is worth all the seeing…even if it “has to be” toward one so childish in understanding and only made less so, (maybe only slightly less so) by many reprovals and rebukes.
And God forbid I be found saying there is nothing beyond this, as this is the end of all knowing and/or following, or seeking to. Nor is it an endorsement of surrender to bad thoughts (as judged with whatever light one has) or bad/foolish inclinations, or despair at bad deeds, born of ignorance.
It is in fact all that those things are not. One is finding out, as can only be found out in and by the Lord’s leading with light into those darkest and most dismal places previously unknown, even denied as being. Without paradox or contradiction it is only the new man who can see the old man and even begin to recognize him in himself. To even begin to discern what is between new and old, or as the scriptures say in those having had senses exercised through use…to discern good from evil.
And it is evil, quite evil indeed to move according to any notion that, if shiny enough, one proves they no longer are in all necessity for, that all glory might be rendered to, a Savior. Being made comfortable, or better perhaps, content in knowing better/deeper just how much one is both in need of a Savior, coupled with His undeniable will to appear as such to a one is always a dawning, where first light eclipses what would otherwise smother a man in continuing darkness. One apostle spoke of those “who have loved His appearing”.
And I will add, a man’s desire to self behold himself in a certain light for his own pleasure in that beholding (or thinking of himself) is not small in motive. Simply look at a world of striving, wherein man covets to “see himself” as success or successful, and all the metrics adopted for indication to that end. And I simply declare no immunity to it of myself. Some may delight in many riches to show, some in many conquests, some in a mind of deeper probing or mysteries in their understandings, and some perhaps, as a writer…delight in a turn of phrase they easily admire as coming from themselves. It is only in some later, if graced with the Lord’s appearing, that that “not small motive” is shown of such poverty and ridiculous garb to inflate itself, that any man is able to grasp at plea of ignorance, and even find that sufficient in that true light as only true confession. “I did not know”.
I am the man. I am even that man. I am that guy caught forever seeking, and most often caught as seeking to not be that guy as so often warned against, “Don’t be that guy” by however my mind in deepest place frames that guy…the one…not to be.
But the truth is, I am that guy.
And perhaps you started to read, in the same way I started to write, not knowing where it would lead. And I may be the onliest of the only one the title applies to.
It might be all too easy, all too simple, all too already known in such plainness as to seem most rightly to be embarrassing to the one speaking as though he is just finding it out.
Oh, you’re that guy that uses thousands of words to finally come to all that is already too well known about you…you’re that guy.
Should I be?
Embarrassed?
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