Month: October 2025

God help me but sometimes I think Christ a fool.

But, maybe it is not sometimes. Perhaps it is a more subtle attitude carried, betraying itself in thoughts and words that are at best only sometimes made more clearly discernible as to their etiology. Like a faint odor of rotting flesh where one may be at some loss as to how things ‘ought to smell’, but nevertheless has some conviction regardless, that that smell of corruption ‘aint it’…”That’s bad, that’s not right”.

Something stinks. Something is dead, here. I (or we) may not know every fragrance of true life, but something (or is it someone?) that allows that stink to be sensed brings some persuasion “You don’t want that to continue or grow greater”.

That foul miasma, more than just being noxious to the nose, is infectious. And for as much may want to trace its source, find its origin by seeking out its place of occupying for removal…any drawing nearer to it for discovery and action against it (as for its removal) only incurs a more dangerous estate by proximity. To ‘try to deal with it’ is the very danger.

It has been said, ‘a good friend will help you move.’ But a great friend will help you move a body. And there is a great friend.

And therein lies the rub. Both of the great friend and the dead body He is willing to help move. And anyone reading is far more than free to say ‘you do greatly err, that dead thing has already been removed, it is a finished work, a job complete, a fait accompli in Christ…” and to confess otherwise or hold any persuasion otherwise, or even broadcast some experience as otherwise (as could be inferred from this public writing) is not only heretical, but quite antichrist. Yes, I must bear that as possible accusation.

Somehow I am made not ashamed to air my dirty laundry nor even afraid to make that dreadful confession of sometimes being aware I think Christ a fool. For now at least, I do not think I can find a more base confession than that. But it would also be a pride (it too has an odor) to think I have plumbed to any significant depths of what a man may think of God’s Christ. As though I have touched to bottom of all things that may be found in man. But it might be enough for now (at least) that one who has rather ardently held to that name for succor and relief might confess to even greater weakness, debility, useless and mostly senseless babbling about experiences discovered.

And though pride is not excluded from present confessions, one more the fool would be inclined to say ‘I found out’ as though some diligent seeker, some trained explorer, some intrepidity accounted for that ‘looking into’…no, it just ‘happens’. “I spent many years following the Lord” or, “I was diligent in this or that” or “I prayed and studied much and have been rewarded…” No. God forbid, no.

My trail has always been to my most sincerest confession available of me (now), been one of self seeking. Interrupted at notable times? Surely. Contradicted at more notable times? Without doubt (to me). A someone unbidden showing up while attempting to ‘do’ the things foolishly thought to ‘make Him appear’? Absolutely (to me).

He simply keeps…interrupting. Unsettling things. And in that, time and again, shows Himself completely ‘unsubject’ to me or any of my pursuits. And more than completely immovable and untroubled by how He may appear as to such a one claiming His name…even knowing I would see Him as harshest enemy at certain times. He obviously is unmoved by what I think of Him. He is, who He is. No flatterer He. No ‘trying to gain’ nor fear of losing anything or anyone. No changing to fit my (or any) template to keep me from being offended at Him. He is who He is. Even the reality of what is-ing…is.

I can’t shake Him.

I could say, might say, might even be inclined to say “And I don’t want to”. But there is also a stink of pride in thinking I know much of my own wants. And God knows all the trails I have taken even better than I recall myself of trying to shake Him, or lose that tail (are the headlights still following?), stop something of a relentlessness that is often too troubling to acknowledge. I thought I was driving. But it was the headlights in pursuit that initiated every turn, every swerve, every careening around corners. I am the one ‘driving blind’ thinking I know where to go to ‘really’ find Him. He laughs. And there is too much of pleasantness and purity in that laugh that could deter from even the most ‘base of confessions’.

It’s a hot pursuit. By Him.

Wait, wait, wait! I believe I can hear. Aren’t christians, or isn’t a Christian (if in particular) supposed to be a someone so at peace in Christ and with Christ as to be completely untroubled with Him or by Him? And God forbid I speak otherwise. How to be at peace with someone in your home, your house, who does not subject Himself even to (as one might even, in their own house) subject themselves…is different. “Oh, Lord, that room is an utter disaster we never go in there; it’s such a mess we even prefer not to know what’s behind that door anymore” as He goes where He will. Flinging open doors, crashing through walls built for seeming safety, not afraid to touch and upset what was once framed to keep an identity intact, a self ‘humming along’ like a dynamo to its own order.

“Oh, but we love that picture of you on the wall!”

“Really? Do I look at all like that?” as He turns with eyes as flaming fire. And the picture ignites to ashes.

And that cross hung there Lord…please…it’s there for my gathering around to prayerfully consider in worship.

“Really? Do you think I worshipped the cross or around it? How about ‘from it’? As it, too, bursts into flames.

“Ahhh, I see you have a work room, let’s take a look!”

Ahh, maybe not Lord, it’s really really messy.

And the door gets blown off with “Hey, I thought you said it was messy? It’s the neatest room I’ve entered so far. Everything carefully filed and recorded, everything alphabetical and chronologically even ‘spritually’ cross referenced so as to never be lost…amazing work! It’s like you couldn’t forget each entry…even if you wanted to.

Every little insult you recorded as suffered for my name, every effort or labor you think consecrated to me, every seeming sacrifice, every delayed pleasure, any and every word spoken as in defense of me, every minutest detail of all you believe you have ever ‘done for me’ with a chair far too well worn to deny this room is visited often. Why, Imma guess you just pore over this stuff relentlessly and get a great deal of pleasure from it as shown by the meticulous care by which you have it arranged. Great job! Do you mind…?” As he touches but one page causing all of them to immolate with the most foul smelling smoke. “Oops” He says.

But that laugh! That laugh! Talk about infectious!

I have lost nothing, but the absence of that laughter! Can there even be more?

And there I am…left in what looks like it must be the last room, to me so far (anyway). I am by myself, I have retreated. Not so much accompanying Him around this house, but hearing a relentless beating upon a door, a battering of it too thunderous to ignore, to a shaking of all too unsettling to deny. The foundations, the foundations!

I ‘feel’ not as much with Him, but cannot deny His presence…it is at once the most troubling and unsettling of all sensations…yet simultaneous with a greatest comfort in the thunderously loud pounding betraying He is still at work.

It is where I have the body buried. Where I undertook to bury it myself.

Driven to this room as all others were filled with intolerable light, I have retreated. It is dark, it stinks and is dank. I dare not be found here. It is the place of all my dynamism, too keep that body buried, to hide it, to so totally obscure from view (both my own and others) with constant shovelings over it, endless, relentless, unyielding labors to hide a too shameful thing. It is to me my mainspring of all matters. Initiator of all doings. The stench affects me, the rot infects me.

A hiding of what I know I have done, and who I am.

I betrayed and killed a friend.

And so I say the only thing I dare not deny as reply to the thunder, my last play (it seems) to keep at bay an exposure I do not believe survivable, an exposure that even slightest light could not but destroy. And open to only an endless void of abysmal loss.

It is not that I will go, or be gone, it will be, even is: “I am not”.

And so I cannot help but think it, cannot even keep myself from saying it…”You do not want to come in here unless you are a fool, you cannot want to be near or with such a one…unless you are foolish…for there is nothing but death here, nothing but stink and malice and all spite, jealousy, and anger in here with me…and any will at all in any to ‘come in’ shows you can’t be of sound mind.

No one else can ‘really’ live here.

The laughter. O! the laughter that takes place of thunder.

The “yet not I”…lives.

It is good to carry some desire that God speak to you, some undeniable craving to know the truth of matters, the true way of things. And we find often that interest and curiosity end poles apart. That curiosity, even if only first motive sufficient, cannot sustain; for an interest to be satisfied requires some investment, some form of willingness to give away in hope of gain. And unless, or until that hope exceeds all consideration of seeming risk involved in investing, we remain the simply curious and subject to all manner of dissuasion. If, or when it becomes (at whatever point) too hard for us, interest/curiosity turns to another place. Or other more agreeable and facile considerations. And how we may dress these up in all manner of pious garb as though it is sufficient to keep truth at bay.

As often as we may be convinced (and are) that in some gain of truth all we have lost to risk is illusions of no value anyway…we still do not know to any certainty how many yet illusory things in us masquerade as ‘too precious’ to put up. Light it appears, is always showing us another corner not fully illuminated but needing to be, relentlessly searching out no matter how ‘far’ we may imagine we have come in either adoption to it, or friendliness toward it.

Light it appears to us ‘has its own agenda’. And we may even be persuaded to whatever extent we are, this itself is eminently interesting…to find a thing not able to be made subject to us, a thing if even in any knowing and apprehending maintains an integrity ‘not subject’. For what form otherwise, of any form of knowing, have we not bent to our own ends, not found ’employable’ by us for ‘our own use’? What, except for this light have we not made…tool?

To get and to hold may also end poles apart, though all starts with another’s giving. We may find ourselves very weak at holding and often feel discouraged, this one may not deny. As C.S. Lewis once put too trenchantly:

“Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive”.

I can only say for myself the truth of some finding out of this after ‘preaching’ to others. After all, being preachy…is fun. (If one doubts this, visit most any bar or pub, there’s usually at least one stool occupied by one deep enough into his cups to ‘get preachy’). Thinking one’s self in some form, or holding some form of teaching…is also fun. But the cross, for all its depth and wonders…yes…even gloriously breathtaking work in completeness is quite another matter; and one that is ill fitting to anyone’s conception of fun. It is far far greater.

And this matter of the cross of Christ, this weighty substance of the Lord’s death in service to His God, even done for us to a cleansing, and that by the very light He Himself is to make us also children of light, is revealed to us. And here we may find fun and fulness of joy may also end poles apart.

Fun, like curiosity…even perhaps given, or allowed as experience for a start of sorts, cannot sustain. We must always be given a ‘more’. It is not that Jesus did not know how the disciples would return after being sent out. He knew well what effect upon them would be as they too discovered through His deputizing…(or do we think Jesus does not ‘know how men are’?)

But He had more to give, more to say. Even ‘set up’ by His sending in order it be spoken.

Notwithstanding, in this rejoice not that the spirits are subject unto you; but rather rejoice because your names are written in Heaven.

but rather rejoice because your names are written in Heaven.

There’s some rebuke in that, isn’t there? At very least, reproof. “Rejoice not” and “but rather”. Is it to the end that Jesus is just a party pooper? A dampener? Or is it to, even if in some experience of that dampening of excitement, and toward the creation of a greater interest by what He has said to provoke to an interest in finding out what He means…and that by what He is saying?

“We saw” the devils subject…but this…well we don’t see this yet, know nothing about this really to even be a thing for rejoicing or even worth rejoicing over…but now that you have said it Lord…

Yes, the Lord is always ruining us for lesser things. And no doubt, even though this work be entirely miraculous and true (who doubts?) we have some care of causing injury to bruised reeds and smoking flax, for the Lord will use the very weakest ‘things’, and allow their use to the end of drawing, even the weakest thing of all to that end, self interest.

To hold some curiosity about the soul’s salvation, not only to some persistence to be shown possible by immortality, but also to a great flourishing in life, may also find first impetus toward interest in that weakness of curiosity as in “can this even be possible?…maybe I should take a look”. And so a care of weakness, and for weakness is ministered, for the Lord knows our frame.

But this man, who appears to have apprehended much in regards to the cross and its work, much in visions and revelations, much in experiences of both ecstasies while not withholding experiences of despair; came to a very particular, and particularly puzzling place (if one can see it) in regards to this impetus of self interest of, and for the soul. What would otherwise be of supremest interest to the soul, its ‘own’ salvation, the pursuit of it, the apprehending and holding of it, the rightest of “right’ things to be obtained in it, he was made ready to ‘let go of’ for the sake of others.

…For I could wish that I myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my countrymen according to the flesh,…

What a place he came to. And for any who (this has been addressed before) are inclined to think this man spoke in hyperbole, or of some piety feigned ‘to get a point across’ and/or just relieve himself of some burdening…he begins this topical episode by saying…

I say the truth in Christ, I lie not, my conscience also bearing me witness in the Holy Ghost,

I hear “If you believe anything about me or from me, this has the uttermost endorsement I can render…” What do you hear?

Do you hear a man so consumed he does not even hold any care anymore for his ‘own’ salvation, his own ‘making it’, and not only so…but would even wish himself cut apart from the Lord, for the sake of others he knew ‘after the flesh’? And who knew more…since we so often resort to his words in instructions and impartation of revelations (do we not?) of the heights and depths of the glories of being joined to Christ?

No, I do not say he knew the all, or even most (for I do not know)…but dare we deny his “lot”? And if so…in ‘daring’ to think him untrustworty in these declarations of which he can offer no greater endorsement than as he has as verified to his conscience by the Holy Spirit, do we not put all other he may have other written…as to some doubt? Don’t try to stand on someone your exposition of logic already shows of some doubt…even when you do not know it.

Yet, here is confessing his willingness to lose the all he had of that…

Yet…how much he sounds like another, made willing to be a curse…for us.

But who would ever ‘want’ of themselves to come to such place, by their own desire? Who not only ‘would’…but could?

And so I end as I began:

It is good to carry some desire that God speak to you, some undeniable craving to know the truth of matters, the true way of things.

We can’t help but hold our own view of the Lord. It’s all we have of Him in our understanding if He has granted any sight. We have seen only what we have seen in His providence.

We might even be so bold as to say it is the Lord Himself, in His manifestation to each, that apportions to each and all; and only as He wills according to His specific purpose. It is not that the Lord who is unchanging has given less or more to any in the giving of Himself to us and for us; or changes from one to another, as though He ‘is not the same’ Lord in all to His people.

Nor is it necessarily a particular function of ‘coming out of a blindness’ that is cause; as if it were ‘of us’ that this takes place…some being to whatever degree ‘more or less yet blind’ or more or less yet sighted. But again, the Lord has a very particular purpose in mind regarding the revelation of Himself.

It is to the end of loving one another as He has loved us, of having souls purified to a sincerity not of this world, to which an apostle testified in even describing the reality of the process:

Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently:

Who would deny, if having any awareness of Him, or any claim in being touched by that love of the Lord in experience…knowing something of the greatness of that love? And in this, our view of mercy ministered (in whatever way) and perceived, by the love of the Lord, particularly according to that view in experience, loves that ‘view’ of Him? Yet God knows how very easily we find peace with ‘our own view’. Can even be deceived to an unrighteousness in love of our ‘own view’.

And that becomes a rub amongst us, doesn’t it? That matter of ‘view’.

The world loves its own, the Lord issued as both statement, but deeper, as a mechanism to be understood in the ‘why’ of it. At base is what holds the world together temporally, the denial of Christ’s preeminence in all. There is an unspoken agreement, no matter how far all other considerations and disagreements may superficially manifest…beneath it all, the world is what agrees to oppose the Lordship of Jesus Christ. No, there is not material contract signed, (unless one finds ‘signing on’ to follow the flesh) no polling of each or any actually, but there is a plain line drawn by Christ; the world and His kingdom. And “If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: (with its own notion of love and acceptance) but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

There is ‘an agreement’ in the world, which, if we claim to see, perhaps have tasted to whatever degree in its hate of a disciple; there is no less a ‘base’ of agreement among those ‘not of the world’. Jesus Christ is Lord.

Yes…something is ‘easy’ in loving one’s own, loving those with whom one finds all agreement. Having much in common or may seem to be. But how are we assigned to manifest being ‘His disciples’ to the world? He tells us. By the love we are to have for one another…and a love not dependent upon superficial agreement of views (which can be fund abounding) by comfortable preferences.

And such is to be unfeigned, not with clothespin on our noses, not with any ‘buts’ or our own peculiar litmus tests for some worthiness. Love one another as I have loved you. A new (even THE new and unchanging commandment) given to us for our benefit overall. For to seek after accomplishes something…to be done with dissimulatings, performances, pretense and pretentiousness, facades, and a purifying of soul takes place as we endeavor by grace to see that place of un-feigning in all, and abide as He abides.

And as surely as we find His love is not ‘sappy’, any claim that such would be the whole of it in result as ‘just a gooey sappy faux love devoid of discipline, reproof, rebuke…and yes, even end up denying the Lord’s obedience’…one may made able to think again. Learning to love, in whatever measure such light of heavenly love has been ministered (Love one another AS I have loved you…) has come with, and in, many attendant rebukes and chastenings. And many repentings.

Much repentance, unless a man deceives himself.

What do we find, especially when overconcerned (perhaps concerned at all if apart from grace) “What will this man do?” Or “What are ‘they’ all doing?”

To one He may say what He gives one to do, may be entirely different from what He may have for another:

Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me.

Again, some will and can only see this as throwing the barn door open to all manner of heresy, horrible doctrines, and/or behaviors justified as ‘in the name of the Lord’…and quite falsely. Would it be fey to simply ask “Have you not already looked around”?

Of course we are more comfortable ‘around our own’, and none would deny the scriptures rife with warnings of our company kept and associations. And yes, it is to whatever extent we mask our own preferences in the religious garb of doctrinal purity (do you doubt?) or some justification for withholding of mercy if we see it called for, we will find ourselves opposing this: “Love one another as I have loved you”, forgetting all the dark places in mind, practice, perceptions, and conclusions from which the Lord patiently delivers.

That is, unless you are the one who ‘got it all right from the beginning’, never in need of chastening, many corrections, and repentance. And also eschewing those as though they are not appointed to the revelation of our salvation.

Yes, the love of the Lord. It’s easy to sit in some sentiments of our own imaginings as to purity and sincerity. But Christ would have it shown, not when we are all too comfortable in the amens of our agreements among those of some apparent commonness of either doctrines or experiences. Yes, it is no stretch that His purpose of apportioning Himself in some seeming difference to each, which some might call only a recipe for confusion, is itself a setting stage that love might be made manifest.

May some testimony come forth, even in sight of a world to which it is appointed to be seen “Yeah, they sure do disagree a lot (maybe even more than many) but man, they sure do love one another…”

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

The way in which the soul interprets matters is both a function of fear, which is consequent to its interpretation of death as/and looming nonexistence; and desire(s), particularly identified as pleasures which speak, not only of the soul’s craving of a continuance, but a continuance of such nature that is unendingly expansive and desirable. Few would want to ‘live forever’ (metaphorically speaking) in a 6 x 8 foot cell.

But perhaps this might be reduced even further to simply fear. For if, or when all other hope of pleasure is extinguished and is utterly and plainly removed, most would still opt for the living hell of that cell than face some fullness of soul’s extinguishing. At least for some time to face and figure out what is the cost of its continuing existence, and whether it is not only payable, but worth the paying. ‘Can a soul be so moved to embrace its own non-being?’, becomes a question. Is there enough ‘pain’ to do that?

And one might, if or when considering a suicide say ‘but of course there is enough pain’ (which may also be reduced to absence of all hope of pleasure, of relief), but the simple fact of the matter is that presently, neither you nor I, are suicides. We only guess here at motives. Yet even so we may have had some taste of the extremes of hopelessness and of which stuff of certain thoughts may enter.

Which brings us to another question “Is such pain ‘an additive’?” Or it simply some manifest convincing, or ‘hint at’ of hope’s possible absence? Would one have to ‘inflict pain’…or does it suffice to remove hope? Take away any and all hope and the soul withers into unending suffering. Pain is simply a mechanism designed (if or when inflicted/experienced) that makes us acutely aware of hope of relief. If one could ‘short cut’ directly to all loss of hope, not having to ‘inflict’ anything other, would it not suffice to clearly show the dread abyss the soul cannot but ‘draw back from’. The ‘no hope’ of any relief.

And, of course, this example is fraught with all manner of faults identifiable. But which, when examined individually as they might arise in protest of premise are themselves reduced by dissection, will yield same conclusions. And those severally seen as the terrors of isolation.

No, there are no other visitors to the cell. No, there is no recurring sunrise nor sunset to the cell. Even the ‘matter’ of the cell is not visible to its occupant, as though it might ‘speak’ to him in some engaging as in “Oh, there’s a crack there, but none there” or “I can count the bars if I choose and occupy”.

No, the soul ‘locked up to itself’ is all the hell there is and can be. Why do you think dark and dim solitary confinement is so effective and dreaded, even in this realm of the material and toward some ‘behavior modification’? The soul needs to express and have such feedback of existence by such expression. Even ‘bad’ behavior, which follows all the precise and same mechanism of ‘good’ behavior, does not differ in exercise. The soul’s being is affirmed only by feedback. Isolate from all feedback, and/or hope of it, and the soul is itself that living hell.

Though most of us prefer a stroke of affection to a strike of rebuke, in extreme the soul will ‘settle’ for anything. Here the so called nihilist is exposed as liar. No nihilist, if ultimately concerned with truth (or some profession of ‘objective’ absence) could ever have grounds for telling another ‘he is one’. And this even beside the more obvious lie of stating as truth “there is no such thing as objective truth…or meaning”

In some short response the soul is ‘always ruled’ (governed), as no less anarchists are liars, for they too must follow the rules of the soul (the rules of the road) in expression and necessity of feedback; and no soul ‘is’, that is not in every way….subject. No matter, if to any extreme it protests it follows it own ways, its own rules, and is fit to. The soul is itself always reactionary…even if, or when, given to deepest illusions of self creation and initiation. It is locked to being by the rule(s) of the soul. And no soul can be apart from hope. Even the soul of the suicide…hopes for relief in some acting upon itself toward some blissful imagining of unknowing of itself.

And here comes Jesus. Locking all down (or is it ‘locking all up’?) to a truth known to Himself as fully in Himself as the very truth of all things. Laying down a ‘rule of the road’, even that which no man can receive. But is true, nonetheless.

The Son of Man goeth as it is written of Him, but woe unto that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It had been good for that man if he had not been born.

“Wait!” the soul must say. This is not receivable. The only way the soul could know or believe this saying as to what is ‘good’, and ‘for it’, requires it first to be born to knowing. But Jesus is saying the good (of a soul’s estate) if found in betrayal, is to have never been. No soul can receive this to its own knowing!

Something must happen for any assent or agreement to this speaker’s trueness that reveals a good that is otherwise known, or ‘from’ otherwise issued, that is all and apart from any soul’s knowing, or ability to attain knowing.

‘Ye must be born again’, if any knowing is to be made known to any.

No man can say in truth “It were better (or good) had I not been born.” All his knowing is far too bounded to know this. He is already locked up to himself, even in that cell, even if only metaphorically, mentioned.

You know, sometimes a man may find himself given to that musing, particularly in some extremis of being when the nakedness of it becomes too great to bear, or seems too great to suffer “It might have been better to have not been born than to come to this”. Even thoughts of ‘unborning’ one’s self.

But it is far too late for that, and was never in one’s hand (though it may appear in imagination as such possibility ‘to do’ ). Yes, far too late. But always soon enough (and never too late) to recognize one’s hand is forbidden from any accomplishing of that which that hand had nothing to do…being.

The supreme ‘of being’ who may be known as the Supreme Being, has made, and keeps by sustaining, all rules of the road. They are unbreakable, unshakeable, and immutable. The soul is always subject….and no less, always seeking to cast off governance. It is locked up…until…hope of relief becomes all that is both desperately sought, while just as desperately plain it cannot accomplish for itself.

May the hope of relief…move you. But not in ignorance.

I simply don’t know any other way around it.

On our way to learning the depths of this commandment, this new commandment “Love one another as I have loved you” the working is at once far more profound, but also far more strange than could have ever been imagined.

If I were to say that in all I once held a certain perception of such as that which following Jesus would yield, even per an agenda perhaps; but am now finding it far different than once perceptions and conceptions, would you understand? Things are so very very different in substance than they once appeared.

Love one another as I have loved you. That new commandment.

It never goes away, never gets dimmer, only brighter, never comes to some fulfillment as I might have once apprehended fulfillment to mean. Yes, the word of the Lord, even these words of the Lord, have no dimming in them, no finality that any man (as I am persuaded) might say “OK, that part is done…what is next?”. There is always a deeper.

Now even as I write I sense some irksomeness, perhaps even a resistance to such seeming lack of finality. Almost as though it is a promise of constant frustration…to be told something, to be under instruction or pursue something that appears as it does, with ‘no end’.

Yet, even at my own resistance there is no dismay, for how could it ever be less than that? Who would have, or hold the Lord’s love as some finite thing: as when a project is finished and now is time to ‘move on to another’? Who has ever (I speak to men in Christ) so tasted of the Lord’s love (even specifically toward themselves) and ever thought “Well, that’s enough of that, time to move on to something else”?

What else takes your breath away…to not only know of His presence, but to know of it as the very manifestation of His love for one? Not there to condemn (though I dare not deny many rebukes), not there to pain (though I dare not deny the many chastenings) not there but for any other than His purpose to simply ‘be with’ the one and ones to whom He has promised “I will never leave you nor forsake you”. He, in all fulfillment of Himself as inseparably congruent and consistent with His word.

And this all done without any show of grimace, any form of distaste as though odious to Him to be ‘that one’ and do so, even to have been made so, as the one capable of full fellowship with man, and as a man. This is very high for me. Yet, it is who He is. To even come as one to sit in dust with any fallen who have known the disgrace of having their own mouths stopped with dust in their fall and without strength to even call for help, nor certainly utter one ‘good thing’. Utterly patient to be seen.

No, and Yes! it is different. Far different than once I surely thought, even believed was end. And here I make no claim of any attaining, only some glimpse of things far too wonderful than imagination might have conjured. Even if or with ‘best intent’. (Of which I can never claim, for it is far too late for me to deny the truth of how woefully short even what I may think are my best intents fall and fail) and how very untrustworthy they are always shown. His intent(s) always rise, my own are not merely negligible, but in all, for the ignoring. His intent. His intents. Again, so very high of me and for me to phrase. Yet, He is whom He is.

Yes, I thought or once imagined (and now I speak as a fool) that in such following there would be some eventual survey of my estate not only allowed but to that very end. That I might come to a place where I could perceive myself of some accomplishment, some attaining, and look upon myself with some satisfaction, even approval. I would ‘finally’ be ‘enough as my Lord’ to know myself as such, to delight in myself as such, to even relish at having been made so. See? I told you I must speak as a fool.

How could I have known, a thing so ‘coming out of’ all self interest? Ignorance is a wonderful plea to be given for any in His court to be allowed to declare. As is ‘not guilty’ by reason of insanity. But such must be supplied by the court as plea. I can only testify, it is. And His provision, no matter our estate, even when most foolish and thinking we see so well (I was sure being like Jesus would eventually make me think myself ‘cool’) not knowing how very appropriate is the changing of just one letter in that. A fool…but loved.

Love one another as I have loved you. It never ends. It cannot because He does not. The unveiling of what has no end (and we may come to glimpse) has a beginning far further before than our own imaginations might carry us, is well, yes, breathtaking. Again, it could be no less than He Himself could be less than He is. Everlasting love does not, and did not start at our own recognition of it, though we so peculiarly may still mark times and seasons. We are too well known well before we even know ourselves as ourselves. Even right now, in all we ‘may think’ we know of ourselves. Or Him.

Yes, it is strange how this commandment…stays. Strange as in too marvelous. Even all failings and falling shorts as when some harshness is revealed to me of attitude, disposition, impatience or irksomeness…serve its end. Have I been loved so? Out of some painful obligation? Out of some odious service? God forbid, He has never shown Himself anything but kind and forbearing in His patience toward a one whom, when coming to any or some sobriety, cannot but declare ‘justice was merited there and no less than death for such hypocrisy and deceit’…yet…’you have loved me past it.’ And not only so…but through it.

Dare I show less? God forbid! And yet I cannot deny of the many times I have…and still, finding the wonder of His love, sustaining. Dare I, in any way, be found implying even an iota of taking such for granted? Again, God forbid!

But too oddly it is, isn’t it? Such is ‘granted’. He has granted Himself in eternal love to us and for us, that even we might be delivered from such attitude that lends to a taking for granted. And so that, even if, or when we do, and are found indulging such attitude, He does not deny Himself. I better understand a little why Paul exclaimed in such as could only be dismay if left without the spirit’s full help “Who is equal to such a task?” Who could ever rightly ‘relate’ in word and words, or even higher, demonstration were it not for an intercessor ever attentive to our estate and frames and giving the spirit in His name to help with all our infirmities?

Yes. He has sent us, or better, granted us, given us, a too wonderful treasure hunt formed of all indelibleness mapped in us, by His presence…seek out how much you are loved, that vet particular ‘as I have loved you’, and you will find yourself unable to deny it your brother.

And that is too wonderful to a man who once thought he knew what love is enough to say…”OK, but what is next, what is in it for me after that?” with some (now too plainly seen) remarkably insane straight facedness, to himself.

If any have been brought in merest sense to know the innate hostility of what may be found in man to all that is eternal and true, and been made able to smell the acrid plumes that rise from such resistance, in such awful resistance, he may come to appreciate a great wonder.

That One has been given authority, and of such magnitude in all, that he has power to turn such a staunchly and dreadly committed adversary to a friend…and even One to whom He might show what love truly is. Yes, I once sought after beholding myself as ‘good’ friend, and made much of seeking to display myself as such. It is enough to be called friend, and to see hope presented for one who now holds some hope that he too, is being made able…to love.

This is too great a wonder, particularly for a man like me. The promise of being able to love, and given in too wonderful a way of finding…to see, search out, discover, just how very much I have been loved. I am not sorry at all for matters beyond my ability to plumb to all ‘end’. And if God grant that there be another time I smack my thumb firmly with a hammer of such force to even forget in such pang the One who already saw that coming, He understands my forgetfulness provoked in frame’s weakness.

“Love one another”…but not left there…”as I have loved you”

I testify there is no greater finding than the love that is in Christ. It is to see Christ, Himself.

It obliterates any tendency toward boredom…and taking for granted…that which has been granted us to know.