God alone knows how I have tried. What I have tried. Whom I have tried. And in these very words I have no doubt He finds me trying. And if you know me at all, I have also no doubt you have found me trying.
And God forbid any mistake (for I now know only God alone can forbid such) that this mumbling be taken as, or for, testimony of my diligence in attempt. As though I am presenting many many strivings or labors for some approval or proving, or in anyway pointing to either a beneficial motive or some weird sacrificing into a matter for any note. As in “See how hard I have tried!”, as the plaint of a victim’s soul. Yes, God forbid. That is not what is meant, at all.
No. If it could be more clearly stated it is only this in regards to trying…I have burdened a thing. Actually I have burdened everything, tried everything in a creation for some achieving as though by using rope to move a stone I have impelled it to some weakening, brought it closer to failure than it was in its prior estate, or if using a machine have shortened its service life, or more pointedly in regards to other beings like myself used something up of their being to justify my own being. That I did this in a blind ignorance, which some might find excusable (for blindness often offsets to a mercy) does not make it less grievous.
But what does indict in a way blindness does not (as it does appear pitiful) is the promotion of a lie, and that adhered to quite diligently, promoted tirelessly, advanced often in a brutality (as lies do to justify their virulence) is this:
“I have believed I have had something to add”. That innately in, and of myself, there has been a something for which creation has both waited, and waited with need.
This accusation I cannot dodge. It has drawn from the grossest of presumption(s) and misaligning of understanding…
“I am here, therefore I must be needed, here”.
That I myself am not a drain on all, at all; no, I am here to present as a stop, even a stop of the draining. I have the goods to end a deterioration, a means of ending (even if by small addition) the operational entropy observed and identified. I can add to! Not detract from!
O! the folly and pernicious nature of that lie. I…am…needed. I am needed to reverse a degrading! (And how stupid it sounds when so clearly seen and stated)
But it may be the most pernicious of all lies, if not also given to a ubiquity some far better versed have stated. TS Eliot said it this way:
“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm—but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves”.
“… because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves”.
A poet, huh? A poet cum philosopher? Sociologist? Sadhu? Prophet? Neuroscientist? Seer of unseen motives…but able to identify them with an uncanny accuracy? Would you like to sit with him over tea…and tell him who and what the world needs? Or doesn’t need.
Risky for you?
Maybe you are not convinced.
That would not be surprise.
For that may well be indicator of how it can remain the rarest of surprise of all. Exceed only by such relief as comes from learing…it is not incumbent upon you, nor ever was “to think well” of oneself.
Drunks do it…all…the…time.
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