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I simply don’t know any other way around it.

On our way to learning the depths of this commandment, this new commandment “Love one another as I have loved you” the working is at once far more profound, but also far more strange than could have ever been imagined.

If I were to say that in all I once held a certain perception of such as that which following Jesus would yield, even per an agenda perhaps; but am now finding it far different than once perceptions and conceptions, would you understand? Things are so very very different in substance than they once appeared.

Love one another as I have loved you. That new commandment.

It never goes away, never gets dimmer, only brighter, never comes to some fulfillment as I might have once apprehended fulfillment to mean. Yes, the word of the Lord, even these words of the Lord, have no dimming in them, no finality that any man (as I am persuaded) might say “OK, that part is done…what is next?”. There is always a deeper.

Now even as I write I sense some irksomeness, perhaps even a resistance to such seeming lack of finality. Almost as though it is a promise of constant frustration…to be told something, to be under instruction or pursue something that appears as it does, with ‘no end’.

Yet, even at my own resistance there is no dismay, for how could it ever be less than that? Who would have, or hold the Lord’s love as some finite thing: as when a project is finished and now is time to ‘move on to another’? Who has ever (I speak to men in Christ) so tasted of the Lord’s love (even specifically toward themselves) and ever thought “Well, that’s enough of that, time to move on to something else”?

What else takes your breath away…to not only know of His presence, but to know of it as the very manifestation of His love for one? Not there to condemn (though I dare not deny many rebukes), not there to pain (though I dare not deny the many chastenings) not there but for any other than His purpose to simply ‘be with’ the one and ones to whom He has promised “I will never leave you nor forsake you”. He, in all fulfillment of Himself as inseparably congruent and consistent with His word.

And this all done without any show of grimace, any form of distaste as though odious to Him to be ‘that one’ and do so, even to have been made so, as the one capable of full fellowship with man, and as a man. This is very high for me. Yet, it is who He is. To even come as one to sit in dust with any fallen who have known the disgrace of having their own mouths stopped with dust in their fall and without strength to even call for help, nor certainly utter one ‘good thing’. Utterly patient to be seen.

No, and Yes! it is different. Far different than once I surely thought, even believed was end. And here I make no claim of any attaining, only some glimpse of things far too wonderful than imagination might have conjured. Even if or with ‘best intent’. (Of which I can never claim, for it is far too late for me to deny the truth of how woefully short even what I may think are my best intents fall and fail) and how very untrustworthy they are always shown. His intent(s) always rise, my own are not merely negligible, but in all, for the ignoring. His intent. His intents. Again, so very high of me and for me to phrase. Yet, He is whom He is.

Yes, I thought or once imagined (and now I speak as a fool) that in such following there would be some eventual survey of my estate not only allowed but to that very end. That I might come to a place where I could perceive myself of some accomplishment, some attaining, and look upon myself with some satisfaction, even approval. I would ‘finally’ be ‘enough as my Lord’ to know myself as such, to delight in myself as such, to even relish at having been made so. See? I told you I must speak as a fool.

How could I have known, a thing so ‘coming out of’ all self interest? Ignorance is a wonderful plea to be given for any in His court to be allowed to declare. As is ‘not guilty’ by reason of insanity. But such must be supplied by the court as plea. I can only testify, it is. And His provision, no matter our estate, even when most foolish and thinking we see so well (I was sure being like Jesus would eventually make me think myself ‘cool’) not knowing how very appropriate is the changing of just one letter in that. A fool…but loved.

Love one another as I have loved you. It never ends. It cannot because He does not. The unveiling of what has no end (and we may come to glimpse) has a beginning far further before than our own imaginations might carry us, is well, yes, breathtaking. Again, it could be no less than He Himself could be less than He is. Everlasting love does not, and did not start at our own recognition of it, though we so peculiarly may still mark times and seasons. We are too well known well before we even know ourselves as ourselves. Even right now, in all we ‘may think’ we know of ourselves. Or Him.

Yes, it is strange how this commandment…stays. Strange as in too marvelous. Even all failings and falling shorts as when some harshness is revealed to me of attitude, disposition, impatience or irksomeness…serve its end. Have I been loved so? Out of some painful obligation? Out of some odious service? God forbid, He has never shown Himself anything but kind and forbearing in His patience toward a one whom, when coming to any or some sobriety, cannot but declare ‘justice was merited there and no less than death for such hypocrisy and deceit’…yet…’you have loved me past it.’ And not only so…but through it.

Dare I show less? God forbid! And yet I cannot deny of the many times I have…and still, finding the wonder of His love, sustaining. Dare I, in any way, be found implying even an iota of taking such for granted? Again, God forbid!

But too oddly it is, isn’t it? Such is ‘granted’. He has granted Himself in eternal love to us and for us, that even we might be delivered from such attitude that lends to a taking for granted. And so that, even if, or when we do, and are found indulging such attitude, He does not deny Himself. I better understand a little why Paul exclaimed in such as could only be dismay if left without the spirit’s full help “Who is equal to such a task?” Who could ever rightly ‘relate’ in word and words, or even higher, demonstration were it not for an intercessor ever attentive to our estate and frames and giving the spirit in His name to help with all our infirmities?

Yes. He has sent us, or better, granted us, given us, a too wonderful treasure hunt formed of all indelibleness mapped in us, by His presence…seek out how much you are loved, that vet particular ‘as I have loved you’, and you will find yourself unable to deny it your brother.

And that is too wonderful to a man who once thought he knew what love is enough to say…”OK, but what is next, what is in it for me after that?” with some (now too plainly seen) remarkably insane straight facedness, to himself.

If any have been brought in merest sense to know the innate hostility of what may be found in man to all that is eternal and true, and been made able to smell the acrid plumes that rise from such resistance, in such awful resistance, he may come to appreciate a great wonder.

That One has been given authority, and of such magnitude in all, that he has power to turn such a staunchly and dreadly committed adversary to a friend…and even One to whom He might show what love truly is. Yes, I once sought after beholding myself as ‘good’ friend, and made much of seeking to display myself as such. It is enough to be called friend, and to see hope presented for one who now holds some hope that he too, is being made able…to love.

This is too great a wonder, particularly for a man like me. The promise of being able to love, and given in too wonderful a way of finding…to see, search out, discover, just how very much I have been loved. I am not sorry at all for matters beyond my ability to plumb to all ‘end’. And if God grant that there be another time I smack my thumb firmly with a hammer of such force to even forget in such pang the One who already saw that coming, He understands my forgetfulness provoked in frame’s weakness.

“Love one another”…but not left there…”as I have loved you”

I testify there is no greater finding than the love that is in Christ. It is to see Christ, Himself.

It obliterates any tendency toward boredom…and taking for granted…that which has been granted us to know.

It’s such a simple matter, really…the dead can’t answer for themselves. But why would that be for a particular affecting toward, why that preference? First and most obvious, we can make anything mean most anything we like and prefer, without fear of contradiction. We can make a whaling story contain all manner of subtexts and references to psychological and metaphysical issues, explain what a poem means, find all manner of hidden sequences in a film, and diagnose a painter or sculptor by his artwork. And in all of this almost any theory is made supportable (including my proposition in the title) by enough words. And without the auteur or author present to refute…who is to say? Who has final say over meaning? Any?

Of course in reference to holy books or words considered holy we can feign an elevation of our esteem toward them as being ineffably untouchable and immutable…all the while, and no less, holding firmly to our own interpretation of their meaning. This petard set to a hoisting in and by our disingenuousness is set for the exposure of our particular disingenuousness; but, of course, that is my particular interpretation of God’s work among men, i.e. to show us all liars, (and that especially as before Him and most especially to ourselves) that we might seek relief.

Then secondly follows first, of making things say or mean to our own preference and from which we may claim some expertise, the very nature of apostles and prophets…personally. Being foundational to the structure of the church (shall I resort to scripture?) they are indispensable…but their person is rarely found so. And, in person…even less so. With their authority given for their work, and a foundational authority as mentioned, they are less inclined to make sacrifice of that authority (or will learn not to) by being men pleasers. Of course, if their delight is not in the authority of the One ordaining, but instead some affection for authority of themselves…they are either false or with much to learn.

And of course, presence in person make it very difficult to put words in their mouths…even if, or when, they are not clearly understood. They are made to be ready (when ready)…to patiently give answer. So, though much lip service may be given to the “apostle’s doctrine(s)”, less is given to, and more often denied or refuted to a one in person. And most (do I paint too broadly?) prefer rebukes found, even if found…from a distance. We may not yet know how very much we prefer (though we outwardly decry it as profane) our own ways. It’s so easy to disdain in person a one who speaks of “how things are”, preferring to seemingly exalt some others (though not present in flesh) and ours as being wholly devoted to their visions of how things are.
The truth that “Daddy’s home” is most often an interruption of our play and disorderliness, and is appointed to those of foundational office and calling. But, and this but is nothing less than most relevant, with no trust in themselves for sufficiency, and apart from any assuming of roles that would exalt themselves. To understand how and the workings of authority requires a deep looking into the Lord Jesus Christ, which is never exclusively theirs…but rather to provoke others, if made able, to encourage such deeper looking. How any man, in being sent with, or in any authority, might be able to consider himself least of all, servant rather than boss, given as to be some support from below (as a foundation) for those above and esteemed better than themselves…well, yes, one may be able to appreciate how deep a look that is by invitation and provoking to…a looking into Christ. And Jesus is quite open to all His own, and His depths are not withheld from any even if or though it appears some may be called to first go there.

You see, we are to whatever extent we remain, often in love with lies about ourselves. “I would have stood with Jesus”…”I would have seen and appreciated Paul’s depth and counsel where others perhaps did not…” (At my first response, no man stood with me” he said)

“Yes!, I get all he says and is saying! In fact, my denomination wholly endorses his writings as no less than all the scriptures…as inspired!”

“It’s even one of the statements of faith we have and require for membership in our church!”

We do not like when any see through our charades (too broad a brush?)…and to not be too casual, but not willing to sacrifice for an appearance of piety, the truth…”And God forbid any personally confront us (or me) on these matters…in person.” No apostles and prophets are more often preferred, or at least at some distance. And being “dead” suffices. Or their office and callings…concluded.

We are more often like those who Jesus spoke to in putting some distance, or at least hoping to. “Had we lived in the days of our father’s we would not have stoned the prophets (*unsaid: “like they did”). Had I heard Jesus personally, Paul, personally, Peter, personally…yeah…I am sure I’d be right there in the arena with them, on the chopping block with them…before the Sanhedrin, right there with Him…and not run scared or denying…as the ones we so often call “fathers” in the faith.

Do you yet have precious myths about yourself?

I surely do.

Apostles and prophets…different, but not different. Their eyes are to be given. This is no different than any other called of the Lord…to colabor as givers of sight. To be, by their own deliverance from shadows and fumes of obscurity that cloud sight and understanding…and meaning…that the Lord be seen, in His meaning…His significance. Not their own.

The ones we read, and read of, the ones we may say are reliable witnesses of the death and resurrection…did not become so, (although ordained to be so whose fruit would remain) apart from their own learning. That grace outstrips and outstripped their own exaggerations about themselves, their own affections for position, their own frailty and ease of being scattered, their own…in all, pretty much being wrong…about everything. Who they were of themselves, what they could do of themselves, how they could and would, and did, correct the Lord in His stating of how things are and what would be. And because that grace, and because of that work of grace toward themselves were then unashamed of preaching that gospel that not only can save the weakest, but by their own experience…does.

Things had moved from vagueness or theory and/or a far offness of mere words heard by their flesh…and into their own flesh. These were chosen to first go…knowing no confidence in their own flesh in all its now exposed frailty and vanity. They know and well understand until this work is done in a man, even that “any man” who may be found in Christ…to that curious but necessary hating of his own life when shown how empty and vain it is, he cannot but wait in his being despised.

It’s a promise made to him/them…even as to be received of all who might call themselves disciples and not hoarded to themselves for self glorying…but to, by all means and whatever means provided this not be lost to any as for any…”and you will be hated by all men for my name’s sake”.

Unless one cares to find some other meaning to those words. Maybe some distancing, maybe some “those may not be for today”…no less as apostles and prophets are so often consigned. Not needed…not for today. And make them as less than promise, or even as less than all the other promises many make boast of having…as their own.

After all…who doesn’t like…”likes”?

But who alone is able to save from a particular woe we may so often seek after, even in our sternest and most strident denial of its being motive?

“Woe to you when all men speak well of you…”

Only One is able to save. Amongst what so often and eagerly pursues “Likes”.

It’s a miracle, I tell you.

I tell you, a miracle.

Concluding as it did (Pt1) with a claimed liberty to address what is “just like him”, that is, the man who knows he has lied to himself in, and by, his own mind, I continue. Finding no prohibition, nor even shame in admission at how very often I lie, and am found lying to myself, even exposed as lying and lying to myself; would otherwise entail denying the Lord’s knowing by any denial, and also deny His grace and truth by allowing shame an upper hand in any attempt to conceal what is both so plain, and plainly paid for by the Lord’s death. And I understand now, better than I imagine I ever have…”Who then would want to listen to a liar?”

As surely as I could not convince myself, I can convince no other how far better it is to admit to one’s self that estate, and seemingly risk appearing as a liar, than to either deny the Lord in His knowing, or deny the Lord in His grace. We may often say “Let God be true and every man a liar” without any understanding at all, even often thinking as we may repeat it, it is now only applying to some other man, or some other men. We often think by repeating what is true, we are being ourselves, in all things, true. And, no doubt, it surely is a thin veil of comfort to think so, in this lying to ourselves that is being made too plain. And surely, if we do learn we have and do (even often) lie to ourselves, what is left but to lie to one another?

Is it not made…too plain? When Jesus spoke of the man who had gathered much to a building of barns for it and then spoke to his soul, is it not plain Jesus both hears and knows all inner conversations of man? Do you think not? Or that it was only that particular man, that other man of which He spoke?

And he spake a parable unto them, saying, The ground of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully: And he thought within himself, saying, What shall I do, because I have no room where to bestow my fruits? And he said, This will I do: I will pull down my barns, and build greater; and there will I bestow all my fruits and my goods. And I will say to my soul, Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years; take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry. But God said unto him, Thou fool, this night thy soul shall be required of thee: then whose shall those things be, which thou hast provided?

Now, as a liar, I will concede to other liars how easily this is made to appear as it is not. It is, to a liar, most easily grasped (and more comfortingly appraised) as meaning, “This is Jesus telling us, or at least a someone somewhere, ‘to not be like that‘ ” But who isn’t already like that? Who doesn’t think that way? “I’ve been going full bore, I’ve been spending myself, I have had the pedal to the metal (after whatever fashion), and now I will conserve…I will take my foot off the gas (to preserve it)…and coast now for as long, or as long a time, as I have provided myself”

If you have never been caught, or do not recognize, or worse, refuse to recognize the ease with which self indulgence is indulged, even in calculations and justifications, I have nothing to say. And I understand the weak refutation “Are you saying there is no rest, no ease to be had or found?” God forbid! For, it is only found of God, and in God through Christ. The man who labors for himself, who attributes fruit as coming from his own labors…does not yet even recognize, if there be any (fruit), it was also and only God who supplied all power…to labor. But while the man adjudges and proceeds from “the labors are my own, and the fruit is therefore also” he cannot but think thus, be caught thus, and exposed, thus.

But yes, it is no mystery of the how and why, even a disciple might think merely “This is Jesus telling us how we ought not to be”. But, when we find out we already are…

It is no less plain that to some this is appraised as more a mistake, a failure in, and by, not knowing, by which the man proceeds to speak to himself…he’s not lying to himself…he’s just mistaken. Oh, yes, indeed it is, indeed he is…mistaken, for the not knowing of how things are. And by that he speaks a myth to himself, a myth received and promulgated of all practice among men and of which men cannot escape…but by intervention. And more the point of the parable, is that intervention. How easily, in all our appraisals is that not considered? God speaks to the man!

Oh, yes, we can leave it at “this is a parable about a foolish man”…somewhere. A man Jesus is warning us to not be like. “After all,” we think from the comfort of our armchair as we study “God calls him a fool”. That him, there, in the story, “Yes, God, I agree, that man is a fool…because…” Because he didn’t even know he didn’t know. “Just how mistaken that man is, huh, Lord?!” Yes, some leave it there. Being glad it was of some other Jesus spoke. For we have now “taken the lesson”.

O foolish man who lies to himself! But what of God? God speaks/spoke to that man who is like that. Yes, he calls him a fool, yes, there is a sting to that, no doubt. But nevertheless…does God speak to him? Jesus says He does. Do you doubt? Or do you leave the story, may even like to leave the story/parable (are you now lying to yourself?) with the man, none the wiser, dying that night…and even justly…as a fool?
I would have to wonder about you as I must often wonder then about me, have you ever had an intervention? Ever…not had one? It’s plain this man had reproval, rebuke, rebuff, and right to his own face as a fool, by the Knower of all things. Do you think, believe…even barely consider God’s confrontation, so plain and frank…with stern rebuke…is made to none effect? If so, would a man, even any man in Christ…even a liar if shown so, not be right to hold some fear for you? About you? Or do you believe as that any man mentioned, who may even be of Christ, that God’s power to awaken a fool, is greater than fool’s love of slumber in the lies he tells himself?

Is Jesus speaking a parable of some man, somewhere? Or, is God waking us up to whom that man is? The man needing to be shaken from the comfort of the lies he tells himself…even that this parable is about…someone else?

The sting. Yes the sting. Might a man awaken at a sting? He may with eyes yet closed brush away some troublesome fly buzzing around his nose, or seeking to land upon his lips, barely rousing. But a sting? Will he sleep through that, to die a fool, as he rolls snoring toward the precipice? God knows, doesn’t He? Is it kind or unkind of God to sting? To even have Him say “you fool!” and know it is you and/or I unmistakably being addressed. Have any found the kindness in it? I know a fool who has. Might stings even and therefore…come to be treasured?

“Who are you, Lord?”

“Jesus whom thou persecutest”

Do you dare imagine, do you dare believe, if you are a man and have known anything about being man, even a man proceeding from what he thinks he knows…that there was in that moment, maybe even and only for the tiniest fraction of that moment, not some most profound and immediate knowing/sensing/experiencing in the man…of an “Uh-oh!”

Or, was it all and only, in Saul’s most heightened moment of inner conversation “Oh, cool, Jesus has something to say to me”?

I don’t think that Uh-oh ever left that man. I know it didn’t. He treasured it as he treasured grace, that Uh-oh moment, for he knew in himself grace is meaningless to a man apart from a most profound experience of the Uh-oh that shakes and wakes him. He was sure of it. It doesn’t make grace meaningless, God forbid! Anymore than I can make it mean more than it already does to any. Only God is both able to sting, and so heal that sting as it may be gloried in.

Now I know I cannot deliver that sting, having had no power to awaken myself, if indeed I am. Part of that sting is a man learning, and continuing to learn…that as much as he might like, as much as he might feel compelling, as much as he might even find a burning desire…even as these things grow deeper and farther in himself to desire as he had never understood it…once…he is, in all of himself, and of himself…of no ability.

One might think it odd, wouldn’t one? Wouldn’t growing mean one is getting better at stuff? I mean at least some ability to plainly show all ease in it. But then, Jesus as fully grown would have left testimony of a man declaring as he walked up Golgotha’s hill, “Cake walk, cake walk everybody, just a cake walk for me, see you in three days. I been bearing the cross all the days I have been with you, it’s cool (you guys kill me, you really do! ha ha!)…see how good at it I am now!”

Some may think that joy precludes tears and snot and cries and blood (O! the blood) and sweat…and even some sensing of an uh-oh…Eloi Eloi lama sabacthani. No it is only joy that makes any to bear it. Even to a man most probably soiling himself, and publicly, and quite without ability to restrain.

But a man like me? At best, a liar, believing in that intervention for such.

God knows.

You know. The only one whose joy gives us strength.

That One.

And when we were all fallen to the earth, I heard a voice speaking unto me, and saying in the Hebrew tongue, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

How many times might Jesus ask us…why? What is He after? Is He after our answer as an un-knower in seeking out knowledge? That He might learn something if we have an informed enough response? (I’m persuaded most I know would chuckle at that proposition)

Or is it something else? Perhaps like “what is your standing, whence your standing upon?” From what and which do your actions take form and proceed? Do you know? At all? Along with all attendant thought processes by which action proceeds.

And not so He might know…but that we might.

O! my, how deep might this probing be? If I do answer, do I not de facto open the door to this “game” of pursuits and pursuing?

Can I pretend enough to not have heard the question? To not involve myself in this game?

Knock, knock…

Knock, knock…

Knock, knock…

OKAY! OKAY!…”Who’s there?”

Red pill or blue pill…do we “want” to know, or do we not want?
(Again) O! my, where might this lead…could it even lead to the “why” of want?

And who has right to ask that “why?” Does any? Do any? Is there any, are there any with right to know “our” why…to the point that they have right of answer? Who started this game anyway…?
(Who started this silly writing might be more the present question)

Just a silly child. Just a silly child that has found that even if in the valley of decision, where all appears up as option or optional for choice and choices, there is one undeniably off the table for consideration, and that made so, just by his being.

He had no choice in that, to be thrust into that place, this place…of deciding. Thrust of no choice of his own into that, this valley. He was made (created) and made (forced) in that making…to be here.

All around are choices, everything appears to call for it/them…appeal for them, make demand for them, so that his ears are now numb in their suffusing…and certainly to, especially to, that curious self help helper guru who states…”Remember, everything is a choice”. Yes, yes…okay okay okay…I get it, I get it. I get it. Everything hangs in a balance. Tomorrow will be the result of today’s choices. I…get…it. Even that each second following another will be according to choice made in that previous.

But…I didn’t choose to know…about choice and choices…it, this knowing of them, appears as surely thrust to me as my being, as though I can foolishly consider non-being as what being is not, like I have that horsepower in my consciousness. Or think I can even now choose not being. (And no, I don’t think(?) I have chosen to be a fool…but…)

What is the why?…the why, of why I both am, and find myself here in this valley? That I am, I do not doubt. That I am in a place laden with choice(s), neither do I doubt either.

I do find a prohibition against speaking for you, that you in particular that may read. I have no power to accuse, nor any power to enforce agreement. You are who you are. Who and what you are you answer in every moment with your being. And I can only say, I do so no less. It is not as though I am responsible to myself to be that who or what I am, it is simply that there is no escaping it. (Have you been able?)

And if we have at all common experience and might even say (as to ourselves) “but now I will be different”, even if born of a deepest longing, desire above or beyond all desire, and by which we supply and apply our will to effect…do we see it does not matter? It is still an “I”…just seeking to be different. It is like a child showing pictures of himself…”this is me in the swimming pool, this is me riding a bike.” This is me choosing, choosing to be different…or even, this is me choosing to not choose.

Whenever we touch our “I” (and, is that avoidable?) we touch the unavoidable of all, of no choice. Yet…now in a seemingly choice filled place. Red pill or blue pill? See how deep the rabbit hole goes…or wake up in the morning as though none of this ever took place? Does it matter? One cannot but make the choice they do…anymore than they can choose not to be…who they are.

Listen, I am not ignorant that these things can be discomfiting. Or, that if received as blithely written, it is simply a man by spreading words is trying to ameliorate some strange frustration(s), or matters springing from those. Does it matter, at all, what I am? To me it might (at best) be of some matter, but how any perceive me is as out of my hands as me trying to not be…me.

But, in regards to that, do you doubt that I have ever sought to be a something other? A “better” me…by whatever metric might be applicable…by me? A smarter me? A more successful me? A more knowing me? Go down any and every list imaginable of words that might be stuck in front of man…kind man, patient man, clever man, wise man, intelligent man, wealthy man, talented man, artful man, yes “better” man, as modifier…and I will not deny I have sought such modifiers to indeed modify the thing inescapable if left of itself…that thing which left unmodified I am both ill at ease with, and forever seeking to improve upon (by metrics I have had no choice in)… just a man. Yes, I have even tried on even the grandest of all (by metrics thrust to me) a spiritual man.

And by no means have I tried all on, I am not nor ever have been doctor man, lawyer man, President man, councilman, electrician or plumber man…in matter of career and seeming choices thereof. Those are not what I meant in list of modifiers…yet they are, aren’t they? And no less. I indeed was once a sales man (some may say, even now) but that was just as ill fitting (though I tried, I think I really did, at least to the extent I was moved by wanting to be a wealthier man that it seemed to hold some promise of). The modifiers are always ill fitting as hard as we may seek to establish them, and I am convinced, it is not because of themselves, but because of how ill fitting the thing is they seek to modify. Or better, we seek to modify by them. Man. And the very why of why we do…seek them. Yes, I do know what impostor syndrome is.

I have met none but one…content to be…man. And he only speaks…to man. Even as…for man.

Now, there are a billion and more words waiting to be said in regards to that, and I am not at all convinced I should have time for them…but they are there, surely.

And I know there are those who have said, might say, and yet do say…”But you have met him only in mind, even your own mind!” That is true, no doubt. But where else is any man “met”? Even in this instant…you are measuring me. At least the me you are able to perceive. In your own mind. And I am at the same issue, and no less, in this writing. I perceive…a reader. How do I perceive you? The same way you perceive me…in mind.

And what pursuits might be additionally called for in that, that is, if we care to know in some sense…beyond mere perception? What experiments done to “see” if somehow, at least to ourselves, perceptions align with what each of us may call reality? Or, can we never…know anything? One would think reality must be established first in and to each…before any holding against it as for determining truth might be recognized. Do perceptions make the reality, or are perceptions to be held against a real (if one concedes such a thing as “real” self exists) for their determining of actual alignment or spuriousity [sic].

And at least in this I know I am spitting into the wind if thinking I have any ability to communicate with any who do not already know how easily they either are, or have been, deceived by their own mind(s). No, I’ll easily admit to no ability at all. None that extends past the man who knows he has lied to himself.

He alone do I have liberty to address…being just like him.

Now there’s a lofty title, surely. Without a doubt someone looks like they are going to parade about as though they know something, and particularly in some form of a boast of knowing what man does not know. And do this while claiming to be some sort of man himself? Isn’t that absurd?

Or, is he no more than a kindergartener at recess taunting another with “I know something you don’t know, I know something you don’t know” in some sing-songy lilt and rhythm?

God knows, surely, but if pressed, I’d go with the second view. God knows all of that child’s failings as man in trying to be a man according to his own view of what it means to be one. Far better to admit to being barely more than infantile; and safer, too. Particularly safer if not feigning toward some heavenly endorsement of a maturity that child know he lacks when another of stature is in sight.

And that child can all too easily now admit to an ignorance too overwhelming for his own bearing; he has always been in the presence of a greater. That he too often never recognized (even often still does not recognize) is plain to any observer, and what is even more plain that at best, and in all his declarations, he is still bound by his own thoughts that only provide to him hints.

Yes, mostly a child engaged in boasts. But even children have hints of propriety, proven out when they either adjust behaviors or tone down a taunt when they see the teacher approaching on the schoolyard, or parent entering their room where they previously tormented a younger sibling. We cannot escape discipline, even if or when we claim it of some facelessness as in “Life has taught me”.

And this child is persuaded life has a face. A face that has shown up. And shows up. And most often, even to himself seemingly unbidden…even at those times when such behavior would seem to deny that presence, or have some silly hope of not being seen. It is now too far beyond this child to now ever claim any good behavior, even if he might more easily like to be noted for it, or some. No, his most true confession of anything he might like to claim or think as hint of it is all and only attributable to “I am watching being watched” is all. Life has taught him of an eye unblinking and far more effectually proved in rebuke and chastening than anything other.

Yes, he may have some desire to hear words of “well done”, but he has also learned that that desire can be far too easily taken advantage of, and that he has likewise and far too often been inclined to make them up as for himself, to deliver to himself. Yes, he cannot deny also being caught in playing make believe. He’d like to grow up (or so he thinks) but that make believe is so often shown as having such hold that he is convinced he never shall unless forced to. And force and power…and all authority, likewise as life…has a face.

This face that demands facing (even by all force, power, and authority) holds those selfsame eyes that demand all seeing. Even such seeing that one is being seen and watched. A man knows himself as having an eye to what he is convinced are his own thoughts…even in picking over them as though his own, pursue that one with a continuity (it appears profitable for now) abandon that one as of no present use, run from that one in terror and try to lock it up, or hide one’s face from that one for the sheer shame of it wondering (perhaps rightly) “where in hell did that come from?”

That…can’t be me, right? Yet…you and I know where it appeared. You will, just like me in regards to thoughts, claim some…but O! some others…we cringe at thought of making such known as having appeared in ourselves. Surely those are not for, nor cannot be for, parade. We want to hide even our faces from acknowledging our having them. And, we do. And so in hiding from ourselves, (or at very least seeking to) how can we not but hide from one another? Small wonder then how even the notion of an unblinking eye is often too discomfiting. And hide and seek seems a game we forever, even as children, go about playing.

For in almost all matters of relationship and most common commerce by and among men, our seeming right to know how true another is, or what we think is the truth about another, comes quite naturally to ourselves. We turn an eye to them, when in search of that truth about them, and this most often for determining friend or foe status. And, of course, such relationships need never, and are never limited to the strictly personal level, our opinions formed of judgments being in exercise far and wide. Jesus well knew/knows our predilection for judging. Our weakness toward our own selves in deciding whether a thing is good or not.

Do we not tend to deem a man, if sensing any operation of his seeking to hide a something from us far differently than the one of whom we sense being open and plain…at least toward us? One may appear crooked as a snake, the other a straight shooter. Our disdain of one and affinity or affection for another, seem plain enough to us. One appears devious, the other honest and true (or so we esteem them).

But if it is true (and I can make no other adhere to it) that we know that particular experience in our own consciousness of putting off, putting down, or in whatever fashion seeking to divorce ourselves from certain thoughts and or considerations…even when found in ourselves worthy of some latter repressing, those “darker things” mentioned, we may rarely consider how much that operation itself skews the mechanism of our judgments.

It is, perhaps, in some ways (when seen and appreciated as such) like jamming clumpy dirt into what we of ourselves consider our O! so fine devices and mechanism(s) of judgment. Like pouring sand into a tuned engine. Or one that should be. Or as severe voltage spikes might affect what we have considered a finely tuned meter. They may still give out some sort of reading, but they are then in many ways far worse than than one completely fried and plainly showing itself of all uselessness.

And I hold to some maintaining that Jesus Christ’s ministry to, and among men, was precisely that in greater part. To not only force a facing of how broken and distorted we are in all our judgments in our self known (even when denied) repressions of what would be called sinful thoughts and tendencies that leads to that blindness of our own deeds, while judging others for what we see of them (or believe we do) in that blindness; but that particularly He had come as sort of thief in the night (that night of our own blindness) to expose by a stealing from us (and frankly showing) the poverty of our own selves in seeking to justify such as an exquisite holding to truth.

And of course, it is no accident nor mere happenstance that His words and deeds were often done in the face of the religious of that day (some might say the most exquisitely religious) and with such even conversations with them, recorded. These were those of most refined religious palate, trained and educated well beyond their charges, known for their exacting attentions to details whose studies were of such diligence and extremity as would become and seemingly merit a those being called leaders. Not merely the keepers (so to speak) of the faith, but the very connoisseurs of it. They sat in Moses’ seat to be the teachers of the people of Israel.

And their seeming reverence for the man of that name, Moshe rabbenu (Moses our teacher) as above all men, while not excluding Avraham, was ingrained. This to them was their foundational claim of superior man and man among men, who were known as servants of God. And a man will find God is the most powerful trump card playable he is able to summon to justify himself in his doings.

And the Jews of that day had laid what was to them exclusive claim to that God above all other gods. What held to other gods, held practices of, to, and for other gods, these Jews held by assurance of their own history and pieties as being inferior, and their practitioners esteemed as dogs. And, as is not uncommon among the most deeply religious and religiously bound, they were quite convinced of their understanding(s), and of their sure apprehension of all matters of that history to even knowing fully all their own purpose for being.

It is a very common, if not the most common estate, not merely for the religious, but as Jesus saw and knew, of every man. Self convinced of purpose. All in service to a self deemed indispensable to the world. The self in its being does not deny its self in being, (i.e. knowing that it is) and thence leaps to: it has therefore to be, and maintained therefore by all efforts of maintenance.

Yes, every man has a god he serves. Even the staunchest and most strident of so called nihilists, denying any and all meaning of, for, or to anything is found serving a very particular notion. Of himself. And Jesus is/was unafraid to address this very core of things, especially amongst those who claimed God as core. And a disciple only learns in following, not that Jesus always knew more than He “let on”, as if being deceptive, but reserving till such time as could be received; such was in a man made able to be received.

I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. Jn 16:12-14

Yes, Jesus had/has disciples. Peculiar insomuch as I may take liberty to say. Their falling out as to what is and what is not disciple is not as may be made of common display, and most often of common acceptance. The practices (of which there may be many), the confessions (of which there may be many), the touting of experiences (of which there may be many) nor adopting of a particular name to themselves (of which, yes, there are very very many) do not speak of it. Reciting holy letters surely does not speak of it. (Nor writing much, surely) No, a distinguishing mark, if not the distinguishing mark (and God knows if I am being presumptuous) in and of a disciple is that power exercised upon him that is causing him to stay. Might he wander? No doubt. Might he not apprehend or misapprehend? Surely.

But in all, and ultimately, the mark that distinguishes is to him that someone he dare not escape (and he has learned it is not of his own choosing nor doing of that dare not) who speaks to him, and is able to, as shown in John 16:12 above. For there is a man, with a company of His own, and quite known to Him, to which He is unafraid to say in any fear of losing “You can’t handle the truth…yet” No man can hear that unless prepared by another and for another to such convincing of the truth of that other, that he is not offended to an ultimate departure.

Do we really think or imagine the disciples understood the eating of his flesh and the drinking of his blood as life itself in far better apprehension than all the others who departed? Jesus even asked them if they would also go. No, they did not say “Nah, we’ll stick around because we get it Lord, we’re hip to what you are saying” No, not at all. Their only response is the only response a disciple has to give in such circumstance…”you’ve really ruined us as far as anything anyone or anything else might have to offer…it’s you alone who both gets it, and has it, and gives it…” Even if we don’t get it…yet. We have believed…and come to know….you’re it.

Now, if you are able, hear this. Even if you hate that transliteration above. The disciple is being kept, and kept with, and to him, some knowing there is nothing, no thing, or any one as the Lord. It is a good confession…”to whom shall we go?” for there is none like you. Just as Peter made likewise confession…”thou art the Christ, the son of the living God”.

And what I say next, God help me, I do not say at all to make a point of anyone’s foibles. We know that after these wonderful comings to know, of being persuaded to making too wonderful confession, we are left recorded denials, corrections made as to the Lord in boasts of a superiority over brothers, and an unright interest in Christ’s plan for others…”What will this man do?”

And of such things I often write and remember. I cannot anymore escape their recalling (and mention) it seems, than I can escape myself.

I need to know them as both true, but not merely so as for themselves as things verified, but also to see the Lord’s grace to such…in His keeping. I am the man who has made confession…even in claim to some knowing. I am the man who, even if in unknowing, has corrected the Lord with preferences, and more, preference of how I would like to see myself.

God forbid I lie about any and all those places I have thought myself superior. God forbid I deny, God forbid I deny. For if in such denial or any seeking at all, whatsoever, and dodging at all whatsoever, to lay out as plainly as I can of what sort of man I am, and therein deny the grace of God and the mercy of Christ…God help me.

It is as we may eventually come to find out, such a small thing for a man to confess what he is when he is in any beholding of Christ’s work of making Himself plain. To show who He is by a submission to a death on behalf of others, where in, and from, such place of greatest pressing He continued in fullest ministry of grace, mercy, and truth.

I see two men, one in all need of saving, one fully devoted to that work. And not only in a then, as though historically or temporally such and such took place for salvation, but that in the very now, there is one who ever liveth to make intercession. It is far more than some pleasing notion or comforting consideration, it is in some way inexplicable, life to me. I am simply unable, in light of who I am, to see, or assent to, or assert to any conviction the necessity of that truth in its working and utmost of necessity…to me. I cannot support it ever by reason.

Yes, I am older but some may not consider me quite old, I have surely been around some…but without doubt…not as some as others. And I am not unfamiliar with such things as “see yourself as Christ sees you” as though a remedy is needed for this estate. As though a man in whatever way he knows himself as not the Lord (at all) in that, His perfection; must be so grievously lost in a misery counter to (even denying) the Lord’s work and promise of life and peace. Yet, it is not that, no, it is not that, at all.

Without doubt I too would have seen it that way, and surely had that disposition…once. Of course I never could phrase it in such a way as now I do or am made able, because the old man’s thinking (of which the new man can see far more clearly) is not such for much understanding, much less clarity of expression. But I can testify of a man who once moved according to a notion that growth/progress/attentiveness…would lead to a far more pleasing (in the ways the flesh is pleased) beholding of itself. It was like “grow grow grow” till you are finally shiny and appreciate your own shininess.
“Oh, but you are really gonna like then how very good you are”. (Sounds like something you might hear from a snake in your garden).

Anything to take eyes and attentions away from a friend walking with you.

For others who may have already come to a better understanding I have nothing to add, obviously. And to those others who already have, it’s easy to see how juvenile a notion such is. But to see Christ’s mercy is worth all the seeing…even if it “has to be” toward one so childish in understanding and only made less so, (maybe only slightly less so) by many reprovals and rebukes.

And God forbid I be found saying there is nothing beyond this, as this is the end of all knowing and/or following, or seeking to. Nor is it an endorsement of surrender to bad thoughts (as judged with whatever light one has) or bad/foolish inclinations, or despair at bad deeds, born of ignorance.

It is in fact all that those things are not. One is finding out, as can only be found out in and by the Lord’s leading with light into those darkest and most dismal places previously unknown, even denied as being. Without paradox or contradiction it is only the new man who can see the old man and even begin to recognize him in himself. To even begin to discern what is between new and old, or as the scriptures say in those having had senses exercised through use…to discern good from evil.

And it is evil, quite evil indeed to move according to any notion that, if shiny enough, one proves they no longer are in all necessity for, that all glory might be rendered to, a Savior. Being made comfortable, or better perhaps, content in knowing better/deeper just how much one is both in need of a Savior, coupled with His undeniable will to appear as such to a one is always a dawning, where first light eclipses what would otherwise smother a man in continuing darkness. One apostle spoke of those “who have loved His appearing”.

And I will add, a man’s desire to self behold himself in a certain light for his own pleasure in that beholding (or thinking of himself) is not small in motive. Simply look at a world of striving, wherein man covets to “see himself” as success or successful, and all the metrics adopted for indication to that end. And I simply declare no immunity to it of myself. Some may delight in many riches to show, some in many conquests, some in a mind of deeper probing or mysteries in their understandings, and some perhaps, as a writer…delight in a turn of phrase they easily admire as coming from themselves. It is only in some later, if graced with the Lord’s appearing, that that “not small motive” is shown of such poverty and ridiculous garb to inflate itself, that any man is able to grasp at plea of ignorance, and even find that sufficient in that true light as only true confession. “I did not know”.

I am the man. I am even that man. I am that guy caught forever seeking, and most often caught as seeking to not be that guy as so often warned against, “Don’t be that guy” by however my mind in deepest place frames that guy…the one…not to be.

But the truth is, I am that guy.

And perhaps you started to read, in the same way I started to write, not knowing where it would lead. And I may be the onliest of the only one the title applies to.

It might be all too easy, all too simple, all too already known in such plainness as to seem most rightly to be embarrassing to the one speaking as though he is just finding it out.

Oh, you’re that guy that uses thousands of words to finally come to all that is already too well known about you…you’re that guy.

Should I be?

Embarrassed?

I think of the Lord…our Lord.

The Lord of both heaven and earth. Not as only the Lord in heaven, though He surely is, but the Lord in, and of, all authority in it. I think of Him in His sufferings at the hand’s of man and cannot but think of His grace in His calling of man to Himself. A calling by a name, to the name, and into that name by which, and in which, that name is given to man, even to a man…who is called to be that particular any man of “If any man be in Christ.”

To be of Christ. Jesus the Christ. Not a principle nor even doctrines, not a consciousness, surely not the weakest of all a religion, nor even the most sublime (as might be attained) practices. But to a man with a name, a very particular man of that name which means “salvation is of God”. I don’t think I cannot think of Him, as it were choice-less in that matter, even if am persuaded I would prefer to. No, it is not nor was not by my choosing that He was presented into the earth.

And in that thinking that is only by His calling, I am left to consider the testimony of Himself recorded, but no less of those men, and even by those men recording.

We have the gospels, we have many letters.

And today we have a whole host (of folk) of who claim to testify of both
Him, and in often reference to those letters, a them. Men are often considered, and not un-rightly so as those who were called and also found faithful.

We have either worked this out or not, or better said, had this worked out in us by the grace of the Lord, or not.

Unless the recorders are shown faithful, and to whatever extent revealed so to us as so, the “red letters” the “black letters”, even all the letters will rest no more than upon some recommendation of others or another till God proves them (the words) so. But also and no less the recorders, as faithful recorders.

And though there may be many with great testimony of God’s sovereign intervention (for there is no intervention by God that is not of His sovereignty) and miraculous appearance in circumstance and/or situation to a persuading, even compelling to Christ, we still labor among the words. We may see signs in the heavens and in the earth beneath, see a wonder too marvelous to describe that moves us to Him. Yet, we still have those many words about Him…the many words we receive as reliable, or yet to be found so.

And the works, words, and workings of the men who recorded them.

Of what, to us, type is the man God calls? Even those whose record(s) we have in record, and have come to greatly rely upon as true. Is there any signal thing of which we might know them as set apart? They seem most common, actually, perhaps too common for some to find themselves readily admitting. For, if in speaking of a those or a “that” them as other, without including one’s self as like they (even most common of man) we not only lie in such as is called ministry; but in truth, oppose the Lord’s work, doing despite to His name. God calls to Himself through Christ what by us we might say is the common man, which to God, is man. That…any man.

That the any man is rarely if ever, not found with some covetous thinking of himself as special, or at very least quite special to himself, might be silly to have to state.

Yet, who brings to this salvation anything special of themselves? Anything but sin…which is common to man. It is all the man carries…in and of himself. All those many shortcomings.

We may even have some lean toward showing how common is the man Christ calls, yet rarely thinking it is no less ourselves. How much hay has been made of Peter’s denials? Peter’s being rebuked after he himself rebuked the Lord? His sinking when assaying to join Jesus on the waters? The brothers being rebuffed for forbidding the children. Or brothers James and John wanting to call down fire, and being reproved. Paul’s being struck blind? Even his confession of having been

(Who was) before a blasphemer, and a persecutor, and injurious: but I obtained mercy, because I did it ignorantly in unbelief.

Who is such a special man or form of him who cannot, or refuses to, see himself identified in at least one of the above? For me…Injurious? check. Blasphemer? check…and so on.

But how do we have such, even of this, Paul’s testimony of a “once” self?

We have such only because they are included, recorded by recorders who (dare not?) leave out warts and all, about themselves. Paul often and particularly…telling on himself. We may think they have shown us themselves (which they have surely) but unless it is to the end of, in their being of who they are/were, also seeing ourselves…we are simply able to chuckle at their foibles, their missteps, perhaps never seeing our own.

It’s an almost “thank goodness they were so frank…so “I” don’t have to be that way” when in all truth, we already are.

Or,

Why! I can “learn” to not be like Peter…boastful, proud, thinking himself superior in his ability to bear above his brothers:

“Even if all fall away on account of You, I never will.”
and
“And he said unto him, Lord, I am ready to go with thee, both into prison, and to death.”

O! But it is way too late for me to deny I have not known a man who thinks himself superior to his brothers. I don’t have to learn to not be like Peter! I must be won away from myself! In too many ways Peter is, in that regard, a piker compared to me in my self aggrandizement. A thinking of one’s self, superior.

And I think of Jesus telling His friends of what He must suffer and their speaking “on the way” over who of them would be counted the greatest. Oh! But who would do that? Be so consumed with themselves to not even hear what the Lord is saying of His impending death? Well, not someone…”like me”…but me precisely.

It is not unlike that friend who may come and tell another, “I have been diagnosed with stage 4” and the other replies, “Oh, yeah I get it, I hate being sick too, I had this cold one time and I was down for days…yeah, I ‘get it’…by the way, what did you bring for lunch?”

But who ever cares to think of themselves…much less confess of themselves…how dense they truly are, self consumed they are, and how, despite titles coveted and/or claimed, so called years and years of either service or sitting at the Lord’s feet (or as we might like to have others think of our attentions) we may not have even really begun to hear…and see?

Or, are really, just beginning?

There’s surely no shame in just beginning, God knows, and how that just one true word that might be squeezed out of us is so far in excess of value to all that may be spoken (or in this case, here, by me) written…as to put to shame all our other pious mutterings. Again, not “like me”…but me.

I was thinking of the writer of the Revelation of Jesus Christ, my being allowed to consider who he was, how he was, and what he was. Some so called theologians dispute over authorship, which is to me a small matter, such disputes. For he identifies himself as this:

I John, who also am your brother, and companion in tribulation, and in the kingdom and patience of Jesus Christ, was in the isle that is called Patmos, for the word of God, and for the testimony of Jesus Christ.

A man who knows and confesses Jesus Christ, knows of the tribulations found in Him, and with acknowledgement of the patience of the Lord…our Lord.
If we are able to believe the above testimony, and no less that he was found in “the spirit on the Lord’s day”, nothing is undercut by any dispute over which particular disciple he may be.

“Companion in tribulation” is what he leads with in affirming himself brother, and it cannot be lost on any who have, even if it be shown as superficial, surveyed the cross of Christ and the tribulations that lead to it.

And here I speak more of my own superficiality than any others.

How do I know myself as superficial? Mostly because I don’t like or tend to consider myself so. Of myself I like to think myself deep, and not infrequently even (insert laughter) of some wisdom. I need again, and again, and again to have this folly exposed as over and over and over, as though I know something. How many of my excursions and attitudes are shown for what they are when blowing up too plainly in my face.

And yet this brother, even this brother, in his knowing of what he knew of Jesus the Christ, his following of Jesus Christ, His confession of Jesus Christ…fell at His feet as though dead…when seeing Him as He is.

There is one who reminds, and brings to mind the Lord’s being crucified through weakness, even to the face of one who often is found so foolishly regarding his own strength(s). And I cannot, and dare not deny the over abundance of mercy shown to such a one. Yes, the patience of Jesus Christ, even as Peter wrote in referring to Paul’s letters, cannot but be counted as salvation to those who have seen how very much is availed of it toward them.

And no, it is not for any to demand or even seek to elicit such confessions from any. For any who have such testimony of the Lord’s patience toward themselves will be unable to withhold it, and if any man is not yet convinced of it and his need of such a delightful beholding (the patience of Christ) toward him, God is faithful.

About all or anything that might be said in this regard to any who may doubt…trust me don’t trust me, it is worth all the seeing. Even if the mechanism to reveal the necessity of it seems… well… unpleasant at the first; that is, being shown who is the man most in need of mercy. This finding out one is just a common man. Suffice it to say, the man who does, or thinks he does any or many things right…may not yet see a most valuable treasure purchased in blood for him…and made to that man. That any man.

And, God is faithful.

For it’s a too remarkable gift, this grace and mercy to be seen in Jesus the Lord, for any loving father to withhold. And make display…by all and every means necessary.

It really is such a small step from being the man feeling compelled to “have to be merciful” with what feels an often dread burden to be such, who ekes it out and measures it out (or so he may think) to some success, to being the man in greatest need of seeing mercy. In truth it is such a small step, so small that only the Lord, in His becoming for us the very smallest of the small was ever able to make it. And make it for us, in His becoming that small.

I am not so naive as to not know a some or many will not like such describing…for our Lord is great, and to be confessed as great among us. And indeed He is, nothing doubting. It is indeed great that He left His former estate of all glory to take on flesh and blood because of such were His brothers, and for their sakes, in obedience to His Father. And here as man He humbled Himself (as though just becoming a man were not enough!) making Himself of no reputation in the form of a servant, and was obedient (and not merely so) but specifically to death, and that, a death upon the (once shaming) cross. His steps of descent almost too marvelous to consider. And yet, they can be. As given to us and for us as gift to consider. The grace of our Lord!

And neither am I ignorant of some resistance to the proposal of the common man. For even our brother Paul testifies that in seeking to work out matters of spirit and estate, nothing matters overall but the new creation, saying:

But God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision, but a new creature.

Yes, the new man is entirely different, even in opposition and open hostility to what would be called the old man, so that in reference common man seems unfitting. “O! but the new creature is very special!” one might say. Even too unfitting for what the Lord has accomplished in behalf of His own. It may almost appear a denigration of His work. God forbid.

But it is submitted that it is only the new man that recognizes himself as common man, even a common man. It is the old man, seeing nothing but himself (nor able to) that exalts himself inwardly (and often outwardly) as something special; coveting, loving, and groping for ascent above all the others in attempt to distinguish himself.

He feels seen when seen by others, of note when noted by others, for nothing is more common than for that man to find only impetus to show himself right and as right; being (as is said) with a heart desperately wicked and unknown of and to himself, that remains unknowable. And, no less, who, always and according to his own metrics, finds all his ways right in his own eyes. He needs no help toward “feeling special” or further promoting to it. He is locked to it in knowing only himself, and of himself. And he trusts himself to not lie to himself, or in any way be false to himself in regards to his perceptions of what would be called reality. He, to himself, sees as rightly as can be.

Yet, not only so. Even in those rare moments, perhaps even precipitated by some experience of catastrophe, or some so called epiphany where he may be brought to question his former sight to some measure in the light of this new thing (or grievous error in calculations of what may befall) …he still considers himself right in doing so.

This is of such deep concern for what is called the believer as to not gloss over. He experiences a turn to faith so profound to himself and in himself that shows an overturning of what to him is/was the once was of himself and to himself. Seeing now newly, or at least differently, it remains deeply ingrained that he is now right in doing so. Even so right now, at least as he compares to former estate, that an advantage may be taken of it to a perversion…in the ease (he thinks) of seeing so many others as now remaining in the wrong, and of a lesser estate. Jesus did not warn against the leaven of the Pharisees without knowledge and wisdom. And sight.

We may begin to appreciate not only the too great of depths He plumbed in His descent in being man, and for man endured the plumbing of such depths for a rooting out by His death. But, and no less, the absolute necessity of His doing so. He must be, when this is seen and apprehended, and be known as entering that unspeakable darkness in man no man can know of himself, if He is savior.

This thing of “being right in our own eyes” is too great to be touched by any of us, for even if begun to be made known to us, we may still exalt ourselves for knowing of it. I easily confess for a dread of lying before Him, that I surely have. Oh, yes, there is an unremitting dependency, unrelenting exposure…even faithful uncovering to us of things of ourselves, which are of man, that which, and if apart from His present mercy being ministered, we would surely collapse before. And not merely strengthless to continue in this collapse (though it surely feels so) but with all conviction of a rightness too extreme to deny that “this thing must be set to not continue, there can be no rightness ever, anywhere…in the universe or even beyond if this thing is allowed to continue.” It is all and only what to that extreme merits immediate death. A killing. Even an annihilation. Oh, it is not lost on some of how very extreme this does sound in some depth of self loathing and self condemnation. And to some, no doubt it sounds too counter to even many (what are considered) sound doctrines. “There is now no condemnation…” etc.

But to those who have known it, and know of it, they have seen that deep work.
Paul did. Others have. And some know it, or have come to, where despite the all consuming awfulness of it that seems beyond any recommending, beyond any good work of any that might be done by such exposure or even confession of it as a good work…some declare it as the very good work of Christ. God, through Christ has brought a man to an agreement, at least at, and to, that point…”this thing merits nothing but death…it is even too hideous to behold without its stealing all strength”.

Yes! Yes! Of course! Yes! The deepest darkest admission of a man “about himself” (and a place no man would go, or even could go except as guided by a light) is now too plain. Shown as seen in the eyes of that light from those eyes in which nothing is hidden from sight. Before whom all is made naked and bare, before that “whom” with which we have to do. And we find there, when that touch of mercy is ministered to raise a man from all strengthless-ness and even self condemnation…we have not only been brought to agreement with God as to its necessary full stopping by [a] death, but to a deeper and further convincing of the resurrection. A man is raised.

For if we would judge ourselves (to what extreme? one might ask) we should not be judged with the world.

Paul understood how this “light” manifests in man. What it does (He does) in a man, the any man in Christ. And also, and no less, Paul saw and had dealt with a seeming persuasion that might seek, by taking advantage by a perverse logic, to deny both that light’s work and its origin. And attribute to it, in all of greater wrongness, as the thing it is not.

But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is therefore Christ the minister of sin? God forbid. Gal 2:17

I will neither attempt to explain nor by any attempt at explaining, make this thing more obscure.

Yes, God has given, through Christ and by Christ’s light to judge only one sinner. How thoroughly this judgment given that any man in Christ is exercised is to the extent he has seen Christ’s judgment of and for sin, and His entry into death for it, even in His becoming of it, for, and as revealed, to that any man.

And yes…it is a judgment to death, never less. We may draw back, we may even be tempted to blame the light for the things it uncovers…to which Paul says “God forbid!” And in his having learned and now knowing, Paul was made to press on with a wisdom and understanding of what was taking place in himself, and for which he was needing not some…but all endurance. Something always being put to death in himself and with which he dare not disagree, stating:

So then death worketh in us, but life in you.

Yes, Paul knew His calling, and how effectual it had been made in him, to Christ.

“But who wants death?” one would rightly ask. How could one “sell a thing” from such a place? But Paul knew, because Christ had made known first to him and then in him, this is the way, this is the way of me that I am, death to a self so that life might be at work in others. And yes, Paul was won to it. And it comes no easier to any than it did to Paul, by beholding the most thorough of death ever ministered, that a thing which was a one thing became all of the antithesis of the very thing first was.

He who knew no sin was made sin for us.

The all whom of righteousness, even all righteousness…made to be that all that righteousness is not.

And yes, by grace I am made able to say this, that the rightest thing of all ever done by God for man...felt...more unright in the one undergoing it, than any man might be able to imagine. Which is why God in wisdom has not left for imagination…but even gifted it in and through Christ to only those who have received Him. No man knows the depths of God’s love for His son or as that any man, for that any son that is His and He calls, apart from some knowing of Christ’s descent in His sufferings to win him, that any man.

And there is no way but to take it personally, as only the any man can, and as Paul understood himself to be by his having all his “other” specialness, or things that might be of advantage to count for specialness, as dung. So that in that utmost of having taken Christ…personally, he says

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God,

who loved me, and gave himself for me.

Yes, Paul came to know of which Jesus the Christ walked daily, a purposeful ascent up that hill to an ignominious death of all appearing shame and humiliation.

Yes…”But who wants death?”…much less that death?
(Can’t I even look a little like a hero? At least to myself?)
God have mercy upon us all. Especially if we “claim” that death.

God help me.


It is so (as are all spiritual matters) counterintuitive to all and any manner of carnal/natural thought that only the spirit can lead us through. The man yet desiring to think himself special, or going about so, has not, nor cannot yet appreciate the Lord’s descent to reach man, and especially a man such as he. To pluck out by such descent a man of all commonness, as common as dust itself, that yet in all, not only tends to, but holds with death grip (till a death breaks it) that he is more than mere dust. And that he not only can, but will show himself…that more than. Never knowing dust is assigned its estate unbreakable…but for an intervention.

What can the new man see? Even confess to?

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

Is there, or is there to be any confusing, as to who is what and what is who in that? What grasping at is made known as vain to that vessel or can be, even must be, by that treasure spoken of, and spoken of as held? Any attempts for the dirt to be more manifestly denies, by attempt, the holding of that treasure. Yes! even, yes if it be so.

What is meant? The treasure may indeed lie within, His presence in spirit quick and active to all things, and if He is present (as He is indeed that treasure spoken of) the out working of His glory, as even in His temple, must, and will lead to the man surrendering all vanity shown, if the vessel seeks to be more than it is…the vessel.
It is enough, yes, far more than enough to know oneself as a mere vessel of clay, not unlike any other, if that treasure is revealed as being held.

Ignorance excusable, as always excusable and even paid for in full to such sufficiency and depth that is unplumbable…is yet not to remain. We are not appointed to not knowing, even if and when we are convinced we do not, and of our own selves completely unable to do anything about it. That may even be some attainment, (And O! so wonderful gift of relief!) for a man to come to know (by a great patience taught) he can do nothing about his own ignorance. It could be a very good start for clay to recognize it is not more than clay. God knows.

For how easy it is to have some boast (either inwardly or outwardly, God knows) of being “a vessel of God.” But also how easily a deceiver takes advantage to have us, in a way, deny being earthen, of dust, of dirt…and seek, of itself…to be more than that. Even as in the garden.

And it may well be enough for clay to learn it will never be more nor ever stop attempting…to be more. But, it would have to be informed. And only God knows if that somehow suffices to the new man’s knowing. A simultaneous and now knowing of itself as wanting to be more, while also and in no less measure having presented in plain sight the only man who ever is that more…even the all. The clay might even find the rest from all its own furious attempts…by a death provided to it. For it, and by another. God knows. All attempts at striving to be an anything but what it is…and that by the grace of God.

But yet there is now a whole system, calling itself of God, that would hand out and/or bestow titles coveted, positions, ranks, endorsements, establish an hierarchy, and with like subsystems of such system as offspring, in forever competitions with one another to prove that their “they” are indeed, of God. Appealing to clay to be better clay.

And men are yet gathered to them and seek to gather others, not knowing what scattering is only ever accomplished of, and by dirt. “We have the treasure! Come here!” or “Here is where you must come to hear and learn of the treasure, by all means ‘Let us be the church for you’ “

So much dust cast up in that scattering that it is nothing less than miraculous and indeed gracious if any man be given to see. And it is miraculous this treasure given is/was likewise in the form of dust as we are. He embraced it, He accepted it, along with the necessity of death for it. A death He aimed at, undeterred. Keeping it always in sight as reaching toward it, in His reach of obedience to His Father.

“…for it is for this very hour I have come.”

And He has come to save us from that scattering to the winds and every wind, being blown to and fro. And if we be of Christ, we are appointed to know. To be established.

Even for whatever hour any of us have come.

We may preach, we may study, we may write, we may teach, or shepherd to whatever degree enabled by the grace of God. Prayer never discounted, God forbid.

We may do what we may think (or appears to us) by our own metrics, of much, or little. God knows. All is either done by a strength and power provided, or it is under judgment, and we will find out.

If it is not enough for us that God knows as only God knows, nothing other in all creation, nor beyond (as we might imagine) suffices. For, there is nothing other. Than God’s knowing, and His grace of imparting such…even to an any man.

For the Lord knows those who are His, and none can make of themselves more nor less so. God is not apologizing for anything He makes known, and shown, and our question if not yet satisfactorily answered to us must remain…

“What then is God showing?”

Jesus Christ is alone God’s full measure of His investment into the creation as sufficient to and for all things. By all means, and by whatever grace is made available to that any man called, he may take the measure of that measure of investment made by God. See, what God is showing.

But, if not taken personally, it has not yet begun to be taken.

In one sense that is almost too bizarre to admit to, seemingly at least among christians, all of my own walk has been nothing less than an argument. And not only so, but most usually if not always, it has been an argument I neither recognized nor knew as taking place. I have been like a man in a fight that does not even know he is in a fight.

That is bizarre no? Wouldn’t a man know when blows are landing upon him, when nose is bloodied, clothes are torn, teeth are missing and bruises abound? One would think so, yes?

But then, you’ve never met anyone as dense as myself. Maybe.

For I have been in an argument I simply cannot win. Even a fight to the death that never seemed so to me, dense as I am. And God knows, as only a god who knows everything would be the true God, could know.

Yes, He knows. Just as He also knows that in regards to myself I am no less, and certainly no more, than all those described by God to Jonah, as not knowing their right hand from their left.

It even took me reading that story (and so many many others) to think I sat with Jonah on that hill above observing, and with him, heard from God just as he had.

Yes, like a mediator I sat, understanding, or so I thought, all of Jonah’s thoughts, feelings, and points in regards to mercy shown a once great enemy of his and that God. “Yeah, Jonah,” I proffered “I sure understand, I get it…how that it just doesn’t feel right, folks who have been such an enemy end up with mercy…and that even from the hand of that God they appeared most hostile to…yeah, I really do get it” “After all,” I continued, “He was your God and not theirs”.

And, no less a mediator (or thinking myself one) I commended God for His saying. “Yep, people can sure be as stupid as not knowing their right hand from left, I sure know that too, God!” (wink wink) “And I really think it’s cool you didn’t fail to mention the cattle also, good call, it really shows how merciful you are even to dumb animals” And no less, “How you really do care for all of your creation in your sovereignty, cause didn’t even Jesus say ‘preach the gospel to all creation’?” Cool, God.

Yep, I surely could reconcile things, being such a good reconcilor. Who’d wanna fight with a guy like that, anyway…and further, not even let him know he was in a fight? After all, I understood Noah and his point of view, and got God’s, too. Even at how stupid and dense people can be…I mean…where’s the fight?

“Ain’t I allowed to agree with you, God?”

But even the densest and most oblivious of us, maybe like me, (or just me) eventually can be woken up a bit, and to certain things. Maybe it’s a limping too undeniable, or a loss of strength too profound to go unnoticed, or maybe it’s just blood…there’s too much blood, so much blood, something may even be wrong or need attention.
Yeah, the blood’s calling for attention.

And, I awoke to the argument.

It has been this from a peculiarly dense and oblivious man…a man so unstable and ignorant as fully fitting one not knowing his right from left, up from down, right from wrong, good from evil. Even a man who started that fight in his staggering, crashing into things he couldn’t see in his blurred vision, and thinking he was walking quite uprightly as drunks so often do, mistakenly.

“Really, I’m sober as a judge officer…”

Sober as a judge.

“Then tell me why you ran over those 8 people back there…”

I flunked my sobriety test. And had to know why.

You know something? A drunk will take on most everything and anybody…and this drunk was stupid enough to take on the God of all creation. Yep. Didn’t I tell you you probably haven’t met anyone like me?

But when the records came up, all too clear and too perfectly ordered to deny, even of attitudes, inner dispositions, even unspoken senses of things so hidden (or so I thought ), but now being made clear, even too clear and were presented against words spoken and deeds done…and the great irresolvable gulf between them made more than plain…BOOM!…snagged, caught, apprehended, nailed (who’d a thought He could see so deeply?) there they all were, testifying of a mercurial man, an unstable man, a hostile and pugnacious man, a drunkard throwing punches he didn’t even know he was throwing.

“Listen” said the magistrate, the judge. “Listen,” he continued “Son you got attitudes you don’t even know you got” He was being very folksy and even gentle, and it had not gone unnoticed He said, son. Was he just being patronizing, feigning a kindness? But in this setting something gripped me that I dare not say “Hey you ain’t my dad, so stop calling me son” No, this court had sobered me enough to know not to do that. That could lead to a sentence, if uttering that sentence, I dare not even consider.
Sometimes a man may just get…sober. It’s a miracle!

But he laid it out, and if I say laid it “all” out, I could definitely be wrong for I didn’t know how much more He might have to show…in fact, I never do. But what He had for this moment, He did indeed, lay out. And He is meticulous in His sight of things, and quite scrupulous to all details that His apprehension of things is undeniable. This judge…really sees. I mean, really.

“You’ve been fighting with me when I have no fight with you” He said. Boy, did that ever sting, but not as badly as one might suppose…for the hearing of “I have no fight with you”…sort of eclipsed all else that might seem unwelcome to experience…it was far better to know that…even at any cost, and hear that, even at whatever sting attendant might accompany. No, so far better that even the first pang of that sting…left. But I can’t deny, at first there was a sting. I was the man. I am “that guy”.

And then He laid it out. And man did it testify of a great instability, drunk doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Here was where, from some place unknown to me, some place too deep to be known to me…yet of me, and so undeniably so I can’t deny, came a “this”:

See here? You believe enough in salvation to…well…believe it. But there’s this little thing a’niggling underneath of that, a thing in a place it shouldn’t be and can’t remain, that has to be exposed to light.

Your idea of salvation, which you can’t look beyond by yourself doesn’t even let you see it, you even think the ripples caused by that niggling underneath, is part and parcel of the salvation you see, but once it’s dealt with that notion of salvation (or at least your perception of it) will be able to settle at least one level of depth that the occupation by that niggling thing once occupied. And you’ve been arguing with God as a result of that “thing”.

You been laboring under some notion God could be mistaken. You don’t think you think that way, don’t even want to think you may think that way. And you surely have put out a lot of words to say that that notion is totally untrue, You believe yourself convinced and convincing of others by the words.

But, the truth is, and you know it, and now that cards are on the table, so much has come from your trying to prove a thing you say is undeniable…that God made no mistake in saving…you. Which has of course, even by argument, left a door open to God possibly being in mistake. And of course, you couldn’t see that, or even imagine that was what you were doing…but God knows the why.

Because you see yourself…or at least you are totally convinced you believe you do. And what you see is so far from the God you think you see that you can’t help yourself from wondering…this and that reconciled? And you set out trying to prove God makes no mistakes, but in that deep level, you still can’t grasp the squaring of things between yourself and that God of whom, and to whom, salvation really means. You mostly, in that deep place where you believe your salvation lies, have a very hard time believing it is “for you”.

And so working comes as a result of your trying to prove, not to others, but to the very God of that salvation (for this is far deeper than can be apprehended or proved to another onlooking man) that: “See, you didn’t make a mistake in saving me”.
Yes, you are telling God, or seeking to, trying to, “You God, did not make a mistake…see?” See what I am doing? See?

And all born out of a proposition that mistake is and was possible…but just…not made.

Of course you don’t know it or see it till you do. You can’t even want or have any desire to think about it…till you can’t not think about it. Have I held God as in some possibility of mistake…simply because I can’t yet square things? Trying to prove Him all the while as the God for whom mistake is not even of His vocabulary for, or of, Himself…I go (or even others!?) about in all mistake.

Trust me don’t trust me, Paul went there.

And of course those heady moments (O! so heady!) by which the man may be brought to see that instability, that mercurialness…(when he is allowed to)… of when thinking he has nailed it spot on, so wonderfully in either word or deed, so that almost with a wink toward God for the rightness of a perfection he thinks he has achieved…in some labor, some deed, some speaking, almost in all forgetting of any former misgivings as mentioned above…the shout goes up from deep within:

Not “See? You have made no mistake!”…

But “See? No wonder you have saved one as me!”

Of course this may just be me. And I have already said maybe you have never met anyone like me. Maybe.

Salvation is so far deeper than any of those estates, and cannot be settled even one level lower in a man for establishment till all niggling things beneath be exposed to light. And I can’t deny I might be the last to the party who has only begun to see a god who is even that true God of neither shame nor pride.

Not ashamed to save (or of whom He saves) and not proud that He does.
He just…is who He is.

I have seen pride that is inexorably locked to shame. I have seen shame that locks itself to a pride. A pride that speaks. Even inwardly:

“I (I!I!I!) should have known better than to come to this place of shame”

But…I can know no better. Never could. Still can’t know better than I do.

Do you hear a something?

“Forgive them Father, they know not what they do”

Trust me don’t trust me, the sting of finding out you don’t know what you are doing is so eclipsed by the sight of mercy asked for there…a man daren’t miss it…even at the cost of being right. Or thinking he is. Or would even like (love?) to think he knows what he is doing.

But that may…just be me. God knows.
And that may just be God. God knows. That so called being right is only in coming to know how very much mercy one needs, and is made there, for all their wrongness.
It is so much more comfortable to think, act, speak, even behave (till one cannot any longer) in terms of how much others need mercy. And if you need to wake a drunk, make him uncomfortable.

God knows.

And obviously some of the above is just metaphor, or parable, or just plain vain imagination. God knows.

I’m still asking, seeking, knocking to see how all squares. How He squares what only He can.

How he is…how He is.

Till then I don’t know no better.

Someone said:

“What I am doing, you do not understand now, but you will understand later.”

As surely as I am in total need to learn what every jot and tittle may mean, much less all that blood, so much blood…I am no less in all dependence to know when later is. And means.

Without a doubt, these few pages written about an apostle who knew why, have generally focused on Paul. It could easily appear a writer is seeking to exalt him, perhaps idolize him, in some sense. Though an assurance may be offered that this is not the case by any means, it is easily understood how this could appear so.

Certain writings have been specified, even selected out for inclusion in what we call the scriptures (for our edification). Is it not true that of those collected and assembled as what is called the new testament, none other assembled group of writings give us as much insight and plain exposition of what a man experienced in himself, and declared by himself of himself, of what such a man pursuing the Lord experiences and had experienced? Paul is rich in his letters of not only what he experienced as though outwardly, but inwardly as well. Really, none other does that.

But is it not as though this adds to any legitimacy over any other letters or the gospels, God forbid. And if taken as such an extreme example of a man’s recounting of, and with much self inclusion, it might just as easily be said by any so disposed, “This man talks too much about himself”.

Yet even in all that, and if it were to be said, just think for a brief moment of all the riches presented in those writings, with mentions of self notwithstanding. How much of doctrine we accept, prescriptions of conduct as the household of God (and for when we come together as such), how much of encouragement is found not exempting healthy reproofs and rebuke, how much is relied upon so to speak, as true. But the man did neither spare himself his baring of soul, nor his own particular attentions to what is going on with him as said before, including warts and all. He is a Jew of Jews, after all.

What does that mean, “He is a Jew of Jews, after all?” Consider. Or, to keep it more scriptural, a Hebrew of Hebrews.

Consider especially the scriptures to which he often referred, as what is to us called the “Old Testament” even as what any Jew, even today, would call the scriptures. What his, or any Jew’s view of them may be in particular, from Genesis to Malachi they are accepted as the scriptures of the Jews, and for the Jews…even if not seeing their overall and beneficial applicability for all people for all of time. And surely Jesus never saw them as anything less. But it does take new eyes to see this.

But the point is this, assembled together, and read without preconceived notion or bias (is that possible? Nevertheless, I posit) they are indeed a warts and all recounting, if taken as they are, of a people whose history is rife with wrong turns, vanities and often base motives, stiffneckedness, hard headedness, with abundant internecine strivings and consequences.

Terrible and vicious leaders who resist the God often mentioned, are spiteful and unjust and in many ways worse toward each other than the oft mentioned enemies who reject their God. One might even say to such a Jew, even today, if commended to their scriptures, their writings… “Are you sure you want these to speak for you?” Or, “I just have to ask, if you don’t mind, are you a Moses Jew or a Korah Jew, a David Jew or a Saul sort of Jew (David’s own warts and all, notwithstanding), an Elijah kinda Jew or an Ahab/Jezebel sort of Jew, a Hezekiah or a Manasseh?”

Yes, if there’s any warts and all history of a people, compounded and assembled as their scriptures, their writings and history to which they look as both guide and for guidance, concluding them to be God inspired, I know of no other like it. Ahh, and if there’s any stand as might be taken of superiority for such, as having been delivered to them (or us, no less, “christians” in all we have and claim) in the giving and reception…it is never too far beyond mention…”Oh yeah, you are the people who give your own prophets such a hard time, and not infrequently kill them”. So much for any self exalting. So much for any innate wisdom and farsightedness.

And I am persuaded Saul cum Paul, who now read with spirit’s light, understanding and insight, even a farsightedness far beyond his natural brothers of his day (after whom he longed, deeply) yet as a Jew always, knew unless warts and all, of a people telling on themselves while seeking to exalt a God unseen, even the God of all creation, that God could not and would not endorse as true.

The Lord doesn’t much like only the flattering or appealing part of things, told.

The same light by which God may be made to be seen of man, and by a man, must always, and cannot but always, also show man of his true estate. Needy? Yes. Subject to perfidy? Of course. Mercurial and unstable in all his own ways? Who doubts? With a heart desperately wicked beyond knowing? Too right. Proud? Arrogant? Boastful? Even murderous? But the glory as always is, and must also and always remain if their be any honest telling of having seen that God unseen, is that to such, He causes Himself to appear…even to a saving born of the deepest of mercy. It is mercy that God allows man to see Him.

And Paul, once Saul, found out he truly was a real Jew…of the faith of Abraham, once Abram, called out from all he once knew, understood as his own, from all of milieu once familiar and common to himself, and to walk in a way “he knew not”. Which is and was, not only new to him, but indeed, is, for all called by the Lord’s name. Newness of life, is always…new. And in such light, this new man Paul, when discovering those mechanisms, traps, inherent pitfalls in both their lurking and successes at snaring of the old man, knew much.

How pride so easily takes advantage, how a seeming piety is all of false, how cleaning the outside of the cup is vain and even harmful to others, this he all came to see too well (if “too” might be used) and was never without a likewise impetus to show himself as no different than any other…even if some they were yet practicing under a deceit of such base and worldly motive. He couldn’t (and wouldn’t) tell of true, apart from telling on himself.

He understood the trap set as once set. How that man in all desperate need, weakness, fears, in all wickedness of sin and its shaming…would reach out of himself to hide such. How he could lay hold of pride, boastfulness, self exalting, some form of godliness for covering.

But what did he find of better, no, not better, incomparable glory when stripped of these things by Christ as they were exposed as weak and beggarly, of a poverty beyond describing, of a fetidness beyond description?

The only covering sufficient. Sufficient and exceeding of all sufficiency for man in his nakedness before his Creator. His Lord, His (God’s) Christ, made for him to not only be that very all which afflicts and condemns (He became sin for him as Paul took things very personally, yet not excluding us all), but far more. Paul found that place of shame removed, where once weakness and weaknesses that were diligently to be kept under wraps and hidden from one another…but where he rather boasted in them! He was no longer ashamed of the frailty of man, by which he was also once taken advantage of by an evil abettor to all sorts of mischief.

Yes, he, Paul, surely saw His Lord in all truth of spirit, but not and never apart from those particular revelations of things that inhibit, would hide from sight, cause a stumbling, would and could be used to dissuade a man from looking into the light of Christ, so that he would say:

Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.

“For we are not ignorant of his devices”. His schemes. His seeking to take advantage of matters now made fit, and fit only, for submission to the Christ of God. Submit weaknesses to Him, in truth. Submit, when found and seen, the confession of sin to Him. Submit all, and especially that all and anything that would (and did once) tend to a shaming for hiding…BRING IT ALL INTO THE LIGHT! And don’t play games with one another seeking to appear more than you are. There is a seeing eye. And the judge is near, even at the door. And if there be fears…know the terror of the Lord and be persuaded, even that all…is due only Him!

I have known some, if not many, even in Christ, with some outward boast of being fearless, or wanting to make some show of it. And without doubt, and in ignorance, have not known themselves (nor God for that matter) to such measure as what can come upon them…in all that ignorance. And boasting. A man just like me. No, beyond that…not like me… but me. Therefore I really have no place to even mention…the “others” I have found. But, I too, am of a company, even if any might prefer my exclusion.

And it is not to promulgate fear as a savory or even righteous estate or even extol it. But there is the fear of the Lord, nevertheless. And if any, even as I once understood, and some many that may still say it means a reverential awe (with which I do not disagree), there can be an unwholesome reduction of “it” (the fear of the Lord) that to me at least, seems most often un-sensed or unseen. When I read these words, and correct my senses as need be, I come away with something a bit more? different? than just a sense of reverential awe being suggested or declared:

but I will show to you, whom ye may fear; Fear him who, after the killing, is having authority to cast to the gehenna; yes, I say to you, Fear ye Him. (Young’s Literal for clarity and accuracy)

Or, if taking the more familiar, perhaps:

But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him. (KJV)

“I say unto you, Fear him”

That reiterating is not vain. But necessary. Jesus is not unaware of how we may make of things to be things they are not. Even in many cases, reduce them. And God forbid I say that full reverential awe and attention are less than is implied, I am simply unconvinced that cannot be entered at all, apart from, or if losing, or denying that sense of…terror.

To Paul again:

“Knowing the terror of the Lord, we persuade men” KJV, while others use “fear of the Lord”

A question might be…did Paul know “it”, the terror/fear of the Lord of which he speaks, using this word φόβον (phobon) from which we derive phobia?

It may well be that Paul, as learning in Christ and from Christ, that barring all else, even including all else…a man will always and only pay the utmost attention to what grips him with greatest fear. And that this too, even as weakness(es), shame(s), doubts, even sins are to be submitted to to the Lord…even to a liberty from, a resolution of, this thing of utmost of concern…even most dread fear, is/are to be submitted only to Him for resolution, and then perhaps right and reverential awe may indeed follow.

Perhaps it is that oddly a thing (or anything for that matter) that seems to call for most (or any) attention must be surrendered to Him who is worthy of all attention…and then they are resolved. But, if any can receive it, attention and worship can hardly be separated, even if not commonly equated. Nor understood.

Likewise when considering “the fear of the Lord”, or if considering to rightly apprehend it, we have others speaking.

“But the Lord of hosts, him you shall regard as holy; let him be your fear, and let him be your dread” Is 8:13

Not merely in this is a “thing” called fear rendered, but to have right identity… “let him be your fear, and let him be your dread” He is to be (our God, both our fear, and our dread)

Beyond these plain matters, if considered, as I am persuaded they must be, only in Christ can be resolved such things. There is provided a very effective way of God, being Christ Himself, to whom alone any and all such only seeming paradox are to be submitted, and from and in Him alone, are resolved.
Questions of “How can I love what I fear, am even terrorized by?” are not unworthy.
Or “Shouldn’t I love God as a Father more than I fear Him” no less. Surely good questions…for asking, seeking, knocking.

But if, just if Paul can be counted as faithful, and knows something of God, and knows no less, something of man, (if you doubt read his sweeping statements of the estate of all men, he was not timid to make them) then he might also understand our (man’s) tendency toward a reduction of matters to our convenience and comforts. Things seemingly easier to live with. Even all tendency to “smooth over” things that raise inner conflict (even) of necessity, that we prefer not resolved…or shelved…for fear of knowing that cost.

But then…Paul faced a conflict we may rarely consider of ourselves, as in our seeming 2000 year post appraisal of Christ and His cross. Messiah crucified…lifted up to all shame of man, scorn of man, and by such a heinous device as he knew to well spoke of a something he, in all his prior wisdom and understanding was too unbearable to consider…but of which, if we only blithely confess in rote repetitions, never grasp the beyond profound implications….”cursed is everyone that hangs upon a tree”. Messiah…made a curse? Yet…this is where Saul cum Paul…started. We, at least many of us, have yet to come to that. Is that harsh or wrong judgment? God knows.

Before we can stop being Pharisees, or even take warning about them, we may have to first be of them. And if we may think within ourselves we are immune to such tendencies…well…then the Lord’s warnings were vain, no? Or was that…only for a them? Be careful if thinking or saying that, for then how many other things, even promises…given to that them…will you also find you are casting aside?

I like context, too. And I like/am persuade/am overjoyed that God has made Jesus His Christ to be of all context, for all time, to each and every man who ever was, and is, and ever shall be. And that all of creation, and yes, even things of heaven, have been made in all, subject to Him.

Beware of not being contextual to Him.

The apostle who knew why. He also grasped quite a bit of the how of it if one believes him faithful and true to his Lord, and well beyond caring about how he himself appeared in doing so. Perhaps one might even come to believe he actually did as he said…gloried in the cross of Christ…sought to know nothing whilst among the church yet in the earth but Christ, and him crucified.

Yeah, that was a biggie for him, having never gotten over that truth that so turned all his theology and wisdom on its ear. Thanks be to God we have the record of a man who never got over that. All his study, all his piety in practice, all his seeming devotion to what was shown to be no more than his own imaginations of how things are, overturned and more…shown as offal, as dung. God’s Christ, the Messiah of all hope for ages, Moshiach himself submitting Himself to the ungodly in all ungodliness of intent, because He saw another intent, and submitted to Him in all obedience, as so far overarching all the wickedness of men’s hands and intents…that He is even able to deliver them from such wickedness. To even begin to see, aright.

And Paul knew that that He, had done that thing…for him. (Paul took things very personally) “…who loved me, and gave himself for me…”

Maybe it’s less wonder…he gloried. And maybe that’s also why he just couldn’t avoid being so personal in his writings.

Ooh, Paul, your leaking onto the pages! Don’t you know where these writings are going to end up? Ha ha ha ha ha

Nevertheless “But I am what I am by the grace of God”.

Paul, for all his seeming staunchness, his oft attributed lack of seeming tact and/or too directness…even to this day some remark of his apparent inflexibility that seems to bleed through, really, is all and only due to disregard, even discomfit, in being dealt with…so very personally. He hits that mark, seeing past all the posing and posturing, all the easy hypocrisy adopted as men shuffle for position and title, the sectarianism born not of honor or a desire for preserving truth, but corrupting it by falling to false and weak gods of self preferences.

How, though, how did he hit the mark so well, so often, so accurately? Because it had been hit…in him. He suffered it to be hit in himself. He allowed…even finding all of futility in any form of resistance that might be adopted…or even promoted. Broke down, bereft of all but Christ, and desiring to be so “that I may know Him…” he recounted how such, now counted as dung, once appeared as advantage to himself. So that broken down to what he was broken up to he would write:

For we can do nothing against the truth, but for it.

And he told us he knew the why. Have you heard it? I’m convinced you have read it.
I’m convinced you too have had wonderings about “whys”. Why don’t others see as I see? Why does the gospel take root in some but seemingly not in others? Why is it that my most plain efforts to share such good news more often (or just perhaps too often) seem to fall on deaf ears? Am I doing something wrong, perhaps…not seeing nor understanding as rightly as I imagine I do?

Why do some believe, and some don’t? And perhaps ultimately as distilled down eventually, or even in the mix somewhere, might come “why do I believe what I do believe of Jesus Christ?” even regardless of others. This question is especially worthy when coupled with, “and what do I really believe about Jesus Christ?” Sometimes, and maybe most often, these come in the wine press. When it is very important to sort out things of life and death. When things seemingly making themselves pressingly real (like life and death) squeeze a man to consider what he knows in the face of them. What he can hold…going in. What will…make it through…and in? What do…I know?

But then, maybe you haven’t. Maybe all your asking, seeking, knocking is led otherwise, God knows.

But Paul said he knew the why. At least as far as he himself was concerned in being granted salvation by the grace of God. And though he endorsed this as worthy and worthy of all acceptance, he also knew (apostles seem to know things) that he could never force it to acceptance, but that didn’t deter him from his recommendation of it for all acceptance. He knew he had no dominion over any man’s faith. He was glad to be a helper of their (even our?) joy.

And perhaps then, if looked at in that way, Paul seeking to be a helper of joy…some other vagabond soul who believes Paul faithful, might seek to work out in Christ how such a thing…even such a thing that seems almost ludicrous to state, along with commending it to worthy acceptance could be so…and could really be…to joy.

What he says, he says here:

This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief.

This is a faithful (is it faith full?) saying, and worthy of all (really, all?) acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief. (Come on Paul, what are you saying you premier apostle you! We been poring over your stuff for thousands of years trying to glean) Do you really want us to raise our hands at Sunday school and say “Paul” when asked “who was the chief sinner?” by the teacher? Is that what you mean? Ha ha ha ha ha (Do I laugh too much?)

But now to the why. At least the ultimate of why’s as far as he was concerned, when concerned, personally. The why of why he got to talk so unrelentingly about the love of God and the mercy and grace found only in Jesus Christ. The why of why he was called, the why of why what he was called to, he was called to. The why of why he faithfully ministered in that calling, and no less, live in it and by it.

Howbeit for this cause I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might shew forth all longsuffering, for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on him to life everlasting.

Howbeit for this cause…

This is the because of it…the why of it. The cause of his obtaining mercy even as the chiefest of sinners. Christ saving a vessel in which He could especially, and specifically show forth His patience and longsuffering.

(Gee, Paul, you sure it wasn’t because you could be such a brilliant expositor? After all, you are regarded as a very smart man. And you did write a lot of deep stuff in a deep way, and that probably helped Jesus a lot with His message)

Go ahead, ask or think that if you think heaven needs more laughter.

A pattern he surely knew he could not impose, because he had not chosen it himself, and he had no power over it to impose it. But as a helper of joy he understood. He before had already come to that place of understanding in regards to certain matters he knew as true, but were still up for question to some or the “otherwise minded”. God is able to show, as only God is able to show.

But for those who believed in Christ, and no less believed Paul called of Christ as a wise master builder laying a firm and true foundation…there really is no choice, right? Because if he lies here, where else may error be found?

A pattern. A pattern to be understood amongst those who received of Paul as having received of God, through Christ.

for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on him to life everlasting.

I think “the” we are in that hereafter. Or of that hereafter.
Do we accept the pattern? God knows.

Even as to (can it be so?) knowing this also “why” of ourselves?

Chosen not for what we might do (though we might do things), chosen not for what we might learn (though we might learn things), chosen not for what we might attain or attain to (though we might attain and attain to things)…but chosen, if we believe the pattern…as “just” a vessel by which Jesus Christ might demonstrate all longsufferinng and patience (with).

Is that too much? Still too easy to think or talk about what one has done in the Lord as for the Lord? Still too easy to think of matters learned and ready with a distribution from pulpits or lecterns or daises…and more fun to do so? Or, in some cases just too ready to lay out thoughts on WordPress.com? God knows.

But maybe not as ready to see or then admit who one knows is the real chiefest of sinners in requirement of the utmost of mercy…and longsuffering patience to make it through? Not because he has gotten anything or even near anything right ever or at all, with nothing to show…but a single hope in the God who is full of mercy to the very weakest, even less than the least of all?

Who’d a thunk joy would come packaged so? And no less, be so obvious as to require a lot of work to miss it? I used to suffer some (maybe even a lot) from what is commonly called imposter syndrome. Christ has taken the load of all posing and trying to fit, or even caring if one seems to sense that necessity.

A liar trying to tell the truth may have the most unbearable burden of all. It’s a lot of work.

And, we can do nothing against the truth, but for it.

I think I’d be something of a liar if I tried to tell you how much of mercy and patience with me I have needed and how much has been shown. For those would be only times…I know.

How often (O, God, when have I not?) even thought myself…right.

The Christ of God? Crucified?

Really?

Looks to me like Paul was not ashamed to join Him there…and glad, and gloried in it.

But, is that just me?

He sure is a helper of joy.

Oh, look, Paul has bled through, too.

I can only surmise it is because he chose not to hide himself from his own flesh.

Or better, was chosen to.

The body is all of One.

If we are able to answer the question posited at the end of the previous offering with a “yes”, that is that we do find Paul a reliable witness, a reliable expounder of those revelations received and, that for as much as we are able to discern, a sincere seeker of the Lord and a worthy instructor; it sorta behooves us to pay attention.

We can leave off, or at least I can and will, where we find his writings, as bound together impressively in what we call the Bible, The Book. We can also forgo speculations of whether or not Paul had any inkling as he wrote that his words would be found leather bound in the same volume(s) that contained Isaiah, Jeremiah, (and all the prophets) the Torah, the Psalms, etc. And that his words, by a many confessing, would be approached as having equal weight and credibility to those scriptures of which he knew well and labored in for light. If to any this appears scandalous, even heretical, that’s fine.

It’s been made plain, even by Paul himself (if we do concede to him as being faithful and his writings faithfully maintained) that he held himself of little general, or overall authority, while not denying the authority he did have. “If I be not an apostle to others…” he wrote to those he recognized as in his particular care, while reaffirming to them, “doubtless I am to you…”.

No, there is nothing that indicates, in either demeanor or writing that Paul thought himself writing as to all, and for all time. That he understood apostles and prophets as given in the church and having some foundational work necessary and constraining to lay no foundation but the Christ of God, he no less confessed to having no dominion over any man’s faith.

That God may have kept such from him, that in “ages hence” he would be looked upon with an esteem that at the time could have been a stumbling block to him, (and many other of the writers, perhaps all) might be attributed to the wisdom of God, God knows. For doubtless today his authority is accepted as the authority (or at least confessed so) in regards to many matters of the faith, church order and orderliness, plumber of deep mysteries that we may mouth blithely, and in all, not merely a faithful witness of God’s Christ, Jesus the Lord, but (and no less) also a faithful witness to his own weaknesses and even once being a blasphemer.

It very much appears that as diligent as he labors to deliver revelations he is no less occupied, nor ashamed of showing himself, as some might say, warts and all. He is, to an extent remarkable, even rare among the many other writers to show himself as most common of man, but with an assurance of Christ’s uncommon devotion and mercy that is, and makes all the difference. And consumes all that would otherwise be a shame to a man.

The all of light so far eclipsing anything that might remain, or even be mentioned, of darkness. All else besides Christ that might, even for a time seem to be, or seek to be of some significance; is to him, totally swallowed of light.
For him, from him and his writings, in him and his labors, there is nothing else to consider. If one cares to disagree with this estimation of Paul as being one seen as he is, then each shall answer for their own sight. This is not said in despite or any veiling of hostility, for I am no less subject to being judged of an inordinate affection and/or a presumption as might appear.

God forbid any idolize our brother Paul who is man, no more nor less than we ourselves. But we either see, as we are to see (is that presumption? God knows) even as amongst one another, a man who is what he is by the grace of God alone, or not. And if one is given to understand and see according to that grace, I am more than convinced few have as strenuously and doggedly sought to uphold, at least as we have record, (for God knows) that grace of Christ as appointed to be appreciated, extolled, in all ways relished and delighted in to our good, as this brother, Paul.

It took him far. (If it may not be an insult to refer to as it, this grace of God in Christ)

And if we, as mutually claiming such grace of God as to ourselves by our confession of Jesus Christ as Lord are, even in any way amazed to a remarking of that man’s labors and efforts as superior, let us not forget. That even in his note of them as such of which he was not unaware (for he did know what he had been through) he was caught mid sentence. Caught. Stopped. Apprehended to correction by the Teacher.
Even to the attributing of a power resident in this grace to propel and motivate that he dare not take to himself, God forbid. And, no less, grace also apprehends to discipline, correction, and rebuke as need be:

But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.

There is “yet not I” again. Yet not I.
It was God’s grace…at work.

What an I was ready to, and even started to attribute to that I of one’s self…called for an intervention. No disciple is unaware unless he be most novice. How quickly we hear and receive the correction is to that measure of maturity measured to us. But it is there for all of us just as it was no less for Paul. The moment we begin to think or express to any lengths what we have done of service, what we might take credit for, that upon that of us we might take a stand…be sure a call is issued. The yet not I will bear no unattended expression with the I of self.

But this is only known, and only can be, by those in relationship. And the growings (and groanings) in that relationship, that communion established whose depths are to be plumbed, teaches many things. Some things, if not many things utterly unbearable to any and all apart from that grace. But of such things, and even with such things once utterly unbearable and beyond admission apart from that grace, comes an ease.

The new man has no qualms in exposing the old man, even if from all perspective but the Lord’s, it is what must appear a shame to all others. The old man, with no knowledge of the new man obviously cannot display him, but also and more to the point, the old man even hides from himself as to remain…hidden. The heart that is desperately wicked, as described, has no interest, no, far beyond that, has no light at all to even see or plumb itself. What light it has is such that… “all things are right in its own eyes”.

But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!

Would it be too much for any to bear that Satan himself, full of darkness…might not at all see himself as scheming, in hand rubbing glee of all the evil and mischief in which he delights[sic] and he plans, but rather see himself as a “pretty good” form of person (though spirit)? Is that too much?

It takes light to see evil, it takes light and experience of having senses exercised to discern (as the scripture says) good from evil. No, evil cannot know itself (and therefore any other) if understood as all of darkness and lie. Yes, it may know torment and pain, and even seek the escape from it (for light is a torment to the darkness) but as to any knowing in understanding of estates…it is void. And so therefore, if light be in one he finds now the forbidding of lie, and if light be in one of Christ, it is not long before one learns the most significant target (to him) of all his own lies, has been his own self.

(Too much?)

I am convinced we shall see and know.

If we find ourselves, or rather, when we find ourselves in this life of wonder which is ours in Christ; we eventually come to that place of having far more questions than ready answers. This surely seems most counterintuitive, for it is more easily assumed that the greater of seeming progress in a thing this would not be so. But it is precisely there that things oft repeated or casually known begin to shine of our Lord’s words. Particularly “ask, seek, knock”, delivered as instruction, but not without inherent promise made.

And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Our desire to be knowers is never thwarted, but always in Christ rightly directed. Where once the knowing of “things” quite sufficed, and was fit for our parading (which we might admit we did so love) the coming to know a person (what is the call?) is far different. There are marks of love(rs) that distinguish from the merely curious gatherer of information. And, as being treasured of lovers, they are often not easily seen. But they will be there.

And our Lord has already been marked, for us. The how and to what depth such marking are in that One who bore His soul to death in obedience and for our sakes, are at once compelling (for any called to see), yet also speak of an unplumbable depth. And this compelling is never without the greatest of eternal benefit to the one exercised by it. For the depths of those marks are the measure of His love. And no one who ever undertakes, is compelled, is even forced to see or explore the depths of that matter, is ever disappointed. No wonder…our wonder grows…and does not diminish as natural intuition might dictate. And, as we mark the marks, we ourselves are marked. He alone is not penurious in the sharing of His deepest trove of treasure that quite naturally all others would hoard to themselves, as only for themselves.

We may lick our own wounds with a self love in a hidden place; He bares to, and shares with, His…to those He loves. Even in the uncovering of all we would naturally esteem weakness.

And a change occurs.

For Christ Himself accounts as few who find, that indeed do find. Continuing in His word is not a hard thing, it is an all of an impossible thing to the man of meat (carnal) alone. And even so, what is of that carnal (meat) mind must either be changed (renewed/re-newed) or in all frustration, stopped in its tracks.

For as many as there may be, and God knows precisely how many there are, who may blithely repeat a thing as though knowing is demonstrated by some rote repetition; and by such repetition seek only to imply (or impress) to others he possesses that understanding; he has not yet considered.

Most particularly, perhaps even exquisitely in all exclusivity (to the meat mind) of how “that a thing that is not only ‘all of one thing’, but is the very substance in all expression of that thing, is made to be (not merely opposed to, but) all of that also full substance of a thing that it is not.”

For in the natural we work by differentiation, and definitions, even oppositions, so that such and such a thing is this, and such and such a thing is that…each having to abide by the assigning of what they are, no matter how many of similarities other they may share.

A rock is never a peach. The peach may be round, the rock may be round. The peach may be smooth, the rock may be smooth. They might each weigh 1/2 pound. And in some instances may even share something of coloring. Nevertheless, the rock is never peach, nor peach, rock.

Yet we say this, (following) as though with repeating we imply understanding of a “transaction” with (perhaps) little consideration of the magnitude of the thing we are saying (God help us!)

For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin;

The all that is of the very substance of all righteousness was made to be in very all, that all that is unrighteousness.

It is far more, how exceedingly more, than turning peach to stone or vice versa. In any consideration, reduced to whatever level one cares to; even peach and stone share excessively common characteristics, of nature and composition.

But if, in speaking of Christ’s case such can never be found of any approximation of sin and righteousness; for each are in truth, not merely opposed, but by very nature the all that the other is not. The peach and stone (even if could be turned) would share so many similarities incontrovertible, that on most fundamental level they would already be described and defined as close, having mass, made up of atoms…etc. Nevertheless, we all know teeth might well be broken in mistake upon that reliance.

How much more then is, and must be broken, even will be broken when we consider the eating of that truth…

He who knew no sin was made to be (not ‘like’ sin, not even a sinner, not “close” to sin, but) sin…(itself)…for us…

This is what is called a hard stop to all that is appointed (and by God’s assigned necessity alone) to all of hard stop. An apostle understood this hard stop in concluding:

for the love of the Christ doth constrain us, having judged thus: that if one for all died, then the whole died, 2 Cor 5:14 (Young’s Literal for clarity)

Death is that hard stop. Nothing only of meat enters here, and everything of mind of meat is not only prohibited, but quite summarily and fully, excluded. Even to its own necessary frustration…to death. And so it is only the man of spirit (or spiritual man) who is able to believe, see, accept…that he is a dead man, made alive. If this is let slip without intervention or interruption, the whole is in cascade to the abyss.

Now therefore, having a Lord who “ever lives to make intercession for us” (for His own) cannot ever be casually understood as by His own as less than salvation. The man thinking he preserves himself, must and will, take his place as absent from that assembly casting their crowns at His feet. Or such as of that mind will find that hard stop.

Yes, the Lord is sitting in all peace and fully established assurance insurmountable, and no less, working. And to put a fine point to it, there are minds dying to be renewed (accounted as already dead in truth), and there are marks upon them, and fragrance to them.
The truth scourges them to a life too marvelous to apprehend in former mind, while re-newed mind assures them of the power in Christ’s resurrection. Being in all contradiction inexplicable, yet even in experience of being both dead and alive. The natural mind alone never knows nor can, it is dead, nor can see life. The man of spirit is able to both behold the dead, and know the alive. And it is because of such life as in Christ, that with Christ is said “I was dead and am now alive”

Or, as this apostle wrote

I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ lives in me…

And learning of that “I” that is “yet not I” is the only way assigned man to know life.
And only by life can a man even know what man is, or even whom he himself is.

If any can receive it, or even begin to appreciate the implications of the above matters mentioned; how that God in, by, and through Christ exercised a power of undoing, even some reversal (for want of a better word) over all most fundamental of matters, and that being the righteousness of Christ and the unrighteousness of sin, and that for us; then how little must be in revelation of all things being made new. Even to the very fullest extent of what to us was, is not now what is. And what is, begs exploration and discovery, always and continually, with all necessity of abandoning of that once was.

It must be added here how weak a word reversal is, for sin did not become righteousness, God forbid! Any inferring of that would be amiss, and if could be laid to my weakness with words would be my necessity to bear such…that is, my being far amiss. But the point must not be lost that Jesus Christ, all of life, light, and righteousness was made sin for us.

And the believer will find, must find, is appointed to find not only the benefit of this, but its very necessity. For despite any and all confessions made in ignorance or of naivete, he will learn he has never understood, nor at all, (despite protestations) what sin is. All of his judgments upon good and evil, righteousness and unrighteousness (of which he once loved to make) have been skewed irreparably except such work of God in Christ be revealed to him.

To this the writer of Hebrews testifies that strong meat is reserved to those of full age, who by exercise of use have learned to discern…good and evil.

But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.

It is only the man of the spirit that, through many trials and experiences learns how convenient it is to man (particularly the religious) to always see sin as a thing he may or may not do; most often as a thing out there, while knowing nothing of the man of sin. And he has also learned the convenience of much self excusing, even his own love of it; rather than behold what appears naked and draped bloody from a tree under all scorn of man not knowing. And to understand himself rightfully (O! too rightly!) placed there. Resistance in, and to that acknowledgement, is resistance in all.

Paul, the once meticulously schooled religious persecutor known as Saul of Tarsus, came to see the wisdom of God’s work in Christ done in, by, and through the cross. That particular place no man could opt to, where to himself he is displayed as not merely ineffectual, but made devoid of all knowing of anything but death’s total immanence, and his own extreme of dependence. And not only so, but that all motions of the natural man, done in agonizing effort to preserve an agonizing soul, serve only to prolong such agony.

Oh, a man may find himself there, no doubt. Jesus surely was not the only man to have ever suffered crucifixion. Thieves and rebels found themselves there, the seditious, traitors, and insurrectionists against Roman rule and power could find themselves there. But this was only as consequence in foiling of some other intended outcome (as being a “successful thief”) and never the thing aimed at. But in Christ, as he (Paul) came to see, was all of impetus toward it, even made plain to us, and confirmed by such word as “but it is for this very hour I have come”.

The power of Jesus was not lost upon Saul cum Paul after the Damascus road. He knew who and what he had met there, later to understand an appointer had appointed him from before birth to this meeting. And so now was left to him, even as it is to any disciple to consider the how, what, and why of things. What was unbearable to have once considered, even outside the realm of consideration by the religious, he was now, not merely invited to understand, but pressed to it.

Messiah (the Christ of God) crucified? Not merely incidentally but in and of all intent, particularly? When such power is made plain of Him that resistance was not only His to exercise, but all exercised in intent to it? How could this be? What could such accomplish? Why, of all ways to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob for whom nothing is impossible, would this be not only the way…but the only way? What…happened?

Admittedly, no man is under any obligation to accept any premise that Paul’s extensive propounding upon such matters had come in response to any questions posited above. His deep explanations and illuminations are not circumscribed by any of how I might imagine such were phrased, thought, or answered.

But if we find his declarations inspired of truth, his findings and broadcasts reliable, we might be foolish to think he is/was the only man to not find any worthy instruction in “ask, seek, knock”. As though in some sense all was handed him on a platter. (Even though in the ultimate truth of it, it was)

Perhaps some answer lay in this question we could even ask of ourselves or one another “Are we convinced that man, Paul, sought the Lord?”

Are we?