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God help me but sometimes I think Christ a fool.

But, maybe it is not sometimes. Perhaps it is a more subtle attitude carried, betraying itself in thoughts and words that are at best only sometimes made more clearly discernible as to their etiology. Like a faint odor of rotting flesh where one may be at some loss as to how things ‘ought to smell’, but nevertheless has some conviction regardless, that that smell of corruption ‘aint it’…”That’s bad, that’s not right”.

Something stinks. Something is dead, here. I (or we) may not know every fragrance of true life, but something (or is it someone?) that allows that stink to be sensed brings some persuasion “You don’t want that to continue or grow greater”.

That foul miasma, more than just being noxious to the nose, is infectious. And for as much may want to trace its source, find its origin by seeking out its place of occupying for removal…any drawing nearer to it for discovery and action against it (as for its removal) only incurs a more dangerous estate by proximity. To ‘try to deal with it’ is the very danger.

It has been said, ‘a good friend will help you move.’ But a great friend will help you move a body. And there is a great friend.

And therein lies the rub. Both of the great friend and the dead body He is willing to help move. And anyone reading is far more than free to say ‘you do greatly err, that dead thing has already been removed, it is a finished work, a job complete, a fait accompli in Christ…” and to confess otherwise or hold any persuasion otherwise, or even broadcast some experience as otherwise (as could be inferred from this public writing) is not only heretical, but quite antichrist. Yes, I must bear that as possible accusation.

Somehow I am made not ashamed to air my dirty laundry nor even afraid to make that dreadful confession of sometimes being aware I think Christ a fool. For now at least, I do not think I can find a more base confession than that. But it would also be a pride (it too has an odor) to think I have plumbed to any significant depths of what a man may think of God’s Christ. As though I have touched to bottom of all things that may be found in man. But it might be enough for now (at least) that one who has rather ardently held to that name for succor and relief might confess to even greater weakness, debility, useless and mostly senseless babbling about experiences discovered.

And though pride is not excluded from present confessions, one more the fool would be inclined to say ‘I found out’ as though some diligent seeker, some trained explorer, some intrepidity accounted for that ‘looking into’…no, it just ‘happens’. “I spent many years following the Lord” or, “I was diligent in this or that” or “I prayed and studied much and have been rewarded…” No. God forbid, no.

My trail has always been to my most sincerest confession available of me (now), been one of self seeking. Interrupted at notable times? Surely. Contradicted at more notable times? Without doubt (to me). A someone unbidden showing up while attempting to ‘do’ the things foolishly thought to ‘make Him appear’? Absolutely (to me).

He simply keeps…interrupting. Unsettling things. And in that, time and again, shows Himself completely ‘unsubject’ to me or any of my pursuits. And more than completely immovable and untroubled by how He may appear as to such a one claiming His name…even knowing I would see Him as harshest enemy at certain times. He obviously is unmoved by what I think of Him. He is, who He is. No flatterer He. No ‘trying to gain’ nor fear of losing anything or anyone. No changing to fit my (or any) template to keep me from being offended at Him. He is who He is. Even the reality of what is-ing…is.

I can’t shake Him.

I could say, might say, might even be inclined to say “And I don’t want to”. But there is also a stink of pride in thinking I know much of my own wants. And God knows all the trails I have taken even better than I recall myself of trying to shake Him, or lose that tail (are the headlights still following?), stop something of a relentlessness that is often too troubling to acknowledge. I thought I was driving. But it was the headlights in pursuit that initiated every turn, every swerve, every careening around corners. I am the one ‘driving blind’ thinking I know where to go to ‘really’ find Him. He laughs. And there is too much of pleasantness and purity in that laugh that could deter from even the most ‘base of confessions’.

It’s a hot pursuit. By Him.

Wait, wait, wait! I believe I can hear. Aren’t christians, or isn’t a Christian (if in particular) supposed to be a someone so at peace in Christ and with Christ as to be completely untroubled with Him or by Him? And God forbid I speak otherwise. How to be at peace with someone in your home, your house, who does not subject Himself even to (as one might even, in their own house) subject themselves…is different. “Oh, Lord, that room is an utter disaster we never go in there; it’s such a mess we even prefer not to know what’s behind that door anymore” as He goes where He will. Flinging open doors, crashing through walls built for seeming safety, not afraid to touch and upset what was once framed to keep an identity intact, a self ‘humming along’ like a dynamo to its own order.

“Oh, but we love that picture of you on the wall!”

“Really? Do I look at all like that?” as He turns with eyes as flaming fire. And the picture ignites to ashes.

And that cross hung there Lord…please…it’s there for my gathering around to prayerfully consider in worship.

“Really? Do you think I worshipped the cross or around it? How about ‘from it’? As it, too, bursts into flames.

“Ahhh, I see you have a work room, let’s take a look!”

Ahh, maybe not Lord, it’s really really messy.

And the door gets blown off with “Hey, I thought you said it was messy? It’s the neatest room I’ve entered so far. Everything carefully filed and recorded, everything alphabetical and chronologically even ‘spritually’ cross referenced so as to never be lost…amazing work! It’s like you couldn’t forget each entry…even if you wanted to.

Every little insult you recorded as suffered for my name, every effort or labor you think consecrated to me, every seeming sacrifice, every delayed pleasure, any and every word spoken as in defense of me, every minutest detail of all you believe you have ever ‘done for me’ with a chair far too well worn to deny this room is visited often. Why, Imma guess you just pore over this stuff relentlessly and get a great deal of pleasure from it as shown by the meticulous care by which you have it arranged. Great job! Do you mind…?” As he touches but one page causing all of them to immolate with the most foul smelling smoke. “Oops” He says.

But that laugh! That laugh! Talk about infectious!

I have lost nothing, but the absence of that laughter! Can there even be more?

And there I am…left in what looks like it must be the last room, to me so far (anyway). I am by myself, I have retreated. Not so much accompanying Him around this house, but hearing a relentless beating upon a door, a battering of it too thunderous to ignore, to a shaking of all too unsettling to deny. The foundations, the foundations!

I ‘feel’ not as much with Him, but cannot deny His presence…it is at once the most troubling and unsettling of all sensations…yet simultaneous with a greatest comfort in the thunderously loud pounding betraying He is still at work.

It is where I have the body buried. Where I undertook to bury it myself.

Driven to this room as all others were filled with intolerable light, I have retreated. It is dark, it stinks and is dank. I dare not be found here. It is the place of all my dynamism, too keep that body buried, to hide it, to so totally obscure from view (both my own and others) with constant shovelings over it, endless, relentless, unyielding labors to hide a too shameful thing. It is to me my mainspring of all matters. Initiator of all doings. The stench affects me, the rot infects me.

A hiding of what I know I have done, and who I am.

I betrayed and killed a friend.

And so I say the only thing I dare not deny as reply to the thunder, my last play (it seems) to keep at bay an exposure I do not believe survivable, an exposure that even slightest light could not but destroy. And open to only an endless void of abysmal loss.

It is not that I will go, or be gone, it will be, even is: “I am not”.

And so I cannot help but think it, cannot even keep myself from saying it…”You do not want to come in here unless you are a fool, you cannot want to be near or with such a one…unless you are foolish…for there is nothing but death here, nothing but stink and malice and all spite, jealousy, and anger in here with me…and any will at all in any to ‘come in’ shows you can’t be of sound mind.

No one else can ‘really’ live here.

The laughter. O! the laughter that takes place of thunder.

The “yet not I”…lives.

It is good to carry some desire that God speak to you, some undeniable craving to know the truth of matters, the true way of things. And we find often that interest and curiosity end poles apart. That curiosity, even if only first motive sufficient, cannot sustain; for an interest to be satisfied requires some investment, some form of willingness to give away in hope of gain. And unless, or until that hope exceeds all consideration of seeming risk involved in investing, we remain the simply curious and subject to all manner of dissuasion. If, or when it becomes (at whatever point) too hard for us, interest/curiosity turns to another place. Or other more agreeable and facile considerations. And how we may dress these up in all manner of pious garb as though it is sufficient to keep truth at bay.

As often as we may be convinced (and are) that in some gain of truth all we have lost to risk is illusions of no value anyway…we still do not know to any certainty how many yet illusory things in us masquerade as ‘too precious’ to put up. Light it appears, is always showing us another corner not fully illuminated but needing to be, relentlessly searching out no matter how ‘far’ we may imagine we have come in either adoption to it, or friendliness toward it.

Light it appears to us ‘has its own agenda’. And we may even be persuaded to whatever extent we are, this itself is eminently interesting…to find a thing not able to be made subject to us, a thing if even in any knowing and apprehending maintains an integrity ‘not subject’. For what form otherwise, of any form of knowing, have we not bent to our own ends, not found ’employable’ by us for ‘our own use’? What, except for this light have we not made…tool?

To get and to hold may also end poles apart, though all starts with another’s giving. We may find ourselves very weak at holding and often feel discouraged, this one may not deny. As C.S. Lewis once put too trenchantly:

“Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive”.

I can only say for myself the truth of some finding out of this after ‘preaching’ to others. After all, being preachy…is fun. (If one doubts this, visit most any bar or pub, there’s usually at least one stool occupied by one deep enough into his cups to ‘get preachy’). Thinking one’s self in some form, or holding some form of teaching…is also fun. But the cross, for all its depth and wonders…yes…even gloriously breathtaking work in completeness is quite another matter; and one that is ill fitting to anyone’s conception of fun. It is far far greater.

And this matter of the cross of Christ, this weighty substance of the Lord’s death in service to His God, even done for us to a cleansing, and that by the very light He Himself is to make us also children of light, is revealed to us. And here we may find fun and fulness of joy may also end poles apart.

Fun, like curiosity…even perhaps given, or allowed as experience for a start of sorts, cannot sustain. We must always be given a ‘more’. It is not that Jesus did not know how the disciples would return after being sent out. He knew well what effect upon them would be as they too discovered through His deputizing…(or do we think Jesus does not ‘know how men are’?)

But He had more to give, more to say. Even ‘set up’ by His sending in order it be spoken.

Notwithstanding, in this rejoice not that the spirits are subject unto you; but rather rejoice because your names are written in Heaven.

but rather rejoice because your names are written in Heaven.

There’s some rebuke in that, isn’t there? At very least, reproof. “Rejoice not” and “but rather”. Is it to the end that Jesus is just a party pooper? A dampener? Or is it to, even if in some experience of that dampening of excitement, and toward the creation of a greater interest by what He has said to provoke to an interest in finding out what He means…and that by what He is saying?

“We saw” the devils subject…but this…well we don’t see this yet, know nothing about this really to even be a thing for rejoicing or even worth rejoicing over…but now that you have said it Lord…

Yes, the Lord is always ruining us for lesser things. And no doubt, even though this work be entirely miraculous and true (who doubts?) we have some care of causing injury to bruised reeds and smoking flax, for the Lord will use the very weakest ‘things’, and allow their use to the end of drawing, even the weakest thing of all to that end, self interest.

To hold some curiosity about the soul’s salvation, not only to some persistence to be shown possible by immortality, but also to a great flourishing in life, may also find first impetus toward interest in that weakness of curiosity as in “can this even be possible?…maybe I should take a look”. And so a care of weakness, and for weakness is ministered, for the Lord knows our frame.

But this man, who appears to have apprehended much in regards to the cross and its work, much in visions and revelations, much in experiences of both ecstasies while not withholding experiences of despair; came to a very particular, and particularly puzzling place (if one can see it) in regards to this impetus of self interest of, and for the soul. What would otherwise be of supremest interest to the soul, its ‘own’ salvation, the pursuit of it, the apprehending and holding of it, the rightest of “right’ things to be obtained in it, he was made ready to ‘let go of’ for the sake of others.

…For I could wish that I myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my countrymen according to the flesh,…

What a place he came to. And for any who (this has been addressed before) are inclined to think this man spoke in hyperbole, or of some piety feigned ‘to get a point across’ and/or just relieve himself of some burdening…he begins this topical episode by saying…

I say the truth in Christ, I lie not, my conscience also bearing me witness in the Holy Ghost,

I hear “If you believe anything about me or from me, this has the uttermost endorsement I can render…” What do you hear?

Do you hear a man so consumed he does not even hold any care anymore for his ‘own’ salvation, his own ‘making it’, and not only so…but would even wish himself cut apart from the Lord, for the sake of others he knew ‘after the flesh’? And who knew more…since we so often resort to his words in instructions and impartation of revelations (do we not?) of the heights and depths of the glories of being joined to Christ?

No, I do not say he knew the all, or even most (for I do not know)…but dare we deny his “lot”? And if so…in ‘daring’ to think him untrustworty in these declarations of which he can offer no greater endorsement than as he has as verified to his conscience by the Holy Spirit, do we not put all other he may have other written…as to some doubt? Don’t try to stand on someone your exposition of logic already shows of some doubt…even when you do not know it.

Yet, here is confessing his willingness to lose the all he had of that…

Yet…how much he sounds like another, made willing to be a curse…for us.

But who would ever ‘want’ of themselves to come to such place, by their own desire? Who not only ‘would’…but could?

And so I end as I began:

It is good to carry some desire that God speak to you, some undeniable craving to know the truth of matters, the true way of things.

We can’t help but hold our own view of the Lord. It’s all we have of Him in our understanding if He has granted any sight. We have seen only what we have seen in His providence.

We might even be so bold as to say it is the Lord Himself, in His manifestation to each, that apportions to each and all; and only as He wills according to His specific purpose. It is not that the Lord who is unchanging has given less or more to any in the giving of Himself to us and for us; or changes from one to another, as though He ‘is not the same’ Lord in all to His people.

Nor is it necessarily a particular function of ‘coming out of a blindness’ that is cause; as if it were ‘of us’ that this takes place…some being to whatever degree ‘more or less yet blind’ or more or less yet sighted. But again, the Lord has a very particular purpose in mind regarding the revelation of Himself.

It is to the end of loving one another as He has loved us, of having souls purified to a sincerity not of this world, to which an apostle testified in even describing the reality of the process:

Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently:

Who would deny, if having any awareness of Him, or any claim in being touched by that love of the Lord in experience…knowing something of the greatness of that love? And in this, our view of mercy ministered (in whatever way) and perceived, by the love of the Lord, particularly according to that view in experience, loves that ‘view’ of Him? Yet God knows how very easily we find peace with ‘our own view’. Can even be deceived to an unrighteousness in love of our ‘own view’.

And that becomes a rub amongst us, doesn’t it? That matter of ‘view’.

The world loves its own, the Lord issued as both statement, but deeper, as a mechanism to be understood in the ‘why’ of it. At base is what holds the world together temporally, the denial of Christ’s preeminence in all. There is an unspoken agreement, no matter how far all other considerations and disagreements may superficially manifest…beneath it all, the world is what agrees to oppose the Lordship of Jesus Christ. No, there is not material contract signed, (unless one finds ‘signing on’ to follow the flesh) no polling of each or any actually, but there is a plain line drawn by Christ; the world and His kingdom. And “If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: (with its own notion of love and acceptance) but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

There is ‘an agreement’ in the world, which, if we claim to see, perhaps have tasted to whatever degree in its hate of a disciple; there is no less a ‘base’ of agreement among those ‘not of the world’. Jesus Christ is Lord.

Yes…something is ‘easy’ in loving one’s own, loving those with whom one finds all agreement. Having much in common or may seem to be. But how are we assigned to manifest being ‘His disciples’ to the world? He tells us. By the love we are to have for one another…and a love not dependent upon superficial agreement of views (which can be fund abounding) by comfortable preferences.

And such is to be unfeigned, not with clothespin on our noses, not with any ‘buts’ or our own peculiar litmus tests for some worthiness. Love one another as I have loved you. A new (even THE new and unchanging commandment) given to us for our benefit overall. For to seek after accomplishes something…to be done with dissimulatings, performances, pretense and pretentiousness, facades, and a purifying of soul takes place as we endeavor by grace to see that place of un-feigning in all, and abide as He abides.

And as surely as we find His love is not ‘sappy’, any claim that such would be the whole of it in result as ‘just a gooey sappy faux love devoid of discipline, reproof, rebuke…and yes, even end up denying the Lord’s obedience’…one may made able to think again. Learning to love, in whatever measure such light of heavenly love has been ministered (Love one another AS I have loved you…) has come with, and in, many attendant rebukes and chastenings. And many repentings.

Much repentance, unless a man deceives himself.

What do we find, especially when overconcerned (perhaps concerned at all if apart from grace) “What will this man do?” Or “What are ‘they’ all doing?”

To one He may say what He gives one to do, may be entirely different from what He may have for another:

Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me.

Again, some will and can only see this as throwing the barn door open to all manner of heresy, horrible doctrines, and/or behaviors justified as ‘in the name of the Lord’…and quite falsely. Would it be fey to simply ask “Have you not already looked around”?

Of course we are more comfortable ‘around our own’, and none would deny the scriptures rife with warnings of our company kept and associations. And yes, it is to whatever extent we mask our own preferences in the religious garb of doctrinal purity (do you doubt?) or some justification for withholding of mercy if we see it called for, we will find ourselves opposing this: “Love one another as I have loved you”, forgetting all the dark places in mind, practice, perceptions, and conclusions from which the Lord patiently delivers.

That is, unless you are the one who ‘got it all right from the beginning’, never in need of chastening, many corrections, and repentance. And also eschewing those as though they are not appointed to the revelation of our salvation.

Yes, the love of the Lord. It’s easy to sit in some sentiments of our own imaginings as to purity and sincerity. But Christ would have it shown, not when we are all too comfortable in the amens of our agreements among those of some apparent commonness of either doctrines or experiences. Yes, it is no stretch that His purpose of apportioning Himself in some seeming difference to each, which some might call only a recipe for confusion, is itself a setting stage that love might be made manifest.

May some testimony come forth, even in sight of a world to which it is appointed to be seen “Yeah, they sure do disagree a lot (maybe even more than many) but man, they sure do love one another…”

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

The way in which the soul interprets matters is both a function of fear, which is consequent to its interpretation of death as/and looming nonexistence; and desire(s), particularly identified as pleasures which speak, not only of the soul’s craving of a continuance, but a continuance of such nature that is unendingly expansive and desirable. Few would want to ‘live forever’ (metaphorically speaking) in a 6 x 8 foot cell.

But perhaps this might be reduced even further to simply fear. For if, or when all other hope of pleasure is extinguished and is utterly and plainly removed, most would still opt for the living hell of that cell than face some fullness of soul’s extinguishing. At least for some time to face and figure out what is the cost of its continuing existence, and whether it is not only payable, but worth the paying. ‘Can a soul be so moved to embrace its own non-being?’, becomes a question. Is there enough ‘pain’ to do that?

And one might, if or when considering a suicide say ‘but of course there is enough pain’ (which may also be reduced to absence of all hope of pleasure, of relief), but the simple fact of the matter is that presently, neither you nor I, are suicides. We only guess here at motives. Yet even so we may have had some taste of the extremes of hopelessness and of which stuff of certain thoughts may enter.

Which brings us to another question “Is such pain ‘an additive’?” Or it simply some manifest convincing, or ‘hint at’ of hope’s possible absence? Would one have to ‘inflict pain’…or does it suffice to remove hope? Take away any and all hope and the soul withers into unending suffering. Pain is simply a mechanism designed (if or when inflicted/experienced) that makes us acutely aware of hope of relief. If one could ‘short cut’ directly to all loss of hope, not having to ‘inflict’ anything other, would it not suffice to clearly show the dread abyss the soul cannot but ‘draw back from’. The ‘no hope’ of any relief.

And, of course, this example is fraught with all manner of faults identifiable. But which, when examined individually as they might arise in protest of premise are themselves reduced by dissection, will yield same conclusions. And those severally seen as the terrors of isolation.

No, there are no other visitors to the cell. No, there is no recurring sunrise nor sunset to the cell. Even the ‘matter’ of the cell is not visible to its occupant, as though it might ‘speak’ to him in some engaging as in “Oh, there’s a crack there, but none there” or “I can count the bars if I choose and occupy”.

No, the soul ‘locked up to itself’ is all the hell there is and can be. Why do you think dark and dim solitary confinement is so effective and dreaded, even in this realm of the material and toward some ‘behavior modification’? The soul needs to express and have such feedback of existence by such expression. Even ‘bad’ behavior, which follows all the precise and same mechanism of ‘good’ behavior, does not differ in exercise. The soul’s being is affirmed only by feedback. Isolate from all feedback, and/or hope of it, and the soul is itself that living hell.

Though most of us prefer a stroke of affection to a strike of rebuke, in extreme the soul will ‘settle’ for anything. Here the so called nihilist is exposed as liar. No nihilist, if ultimately concerned with truth (or some profession of ‘objective’ absence) could ever have grounds for telling another ‘he is one’. And this even beside the more obvious lie of stating as truth “there is no such thing as objective truth…or meaning”

In some short response the soul is ‘always ruled’ (governed), as no less anarchists are liars, for they too must follow the rules of the soul (the rules of the road) in expression and necessity of feedback; and no soul ‘is’, that is not in every way….subject. No matter, if to any extreme it protests it follows it own ways, its own rules, and is fit to. The soul is itself always reactionary…even if, or when, given to deepest illusions of self creation and initiation. It is locked to being by the rule(s) of the soul. And no soul can be apart from hope. Even the soul of the suicide…hopes for relief in some acting upon itself toward some blissful imagining of unknowing of itself.

And here comes Jesus. Locking all down (or is it ‘locking all up’?) to a truth known to Himself as fully in Himself as the very truth of all things. Laying down a ‘rule of the road’, even that which no man can receive. But is true, nonetheless.

The Son of Man goeth as it is written of Him, but woe unto that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It had been good for that man if he had not been born.

“Wait!” the soul must say. This is not receivable. The only way the soul could know or believe this saying as to what is ‘good’, and ‘for it’, requires it first to be born to knowing. But Jesus is saying the good (of a soul’s estate) if found in betrayal, is to have never been. No soul can receive this to its own knowing!

Something must happen for any assent or agreement to this speaker’s trueness that reveals a good that is otherwise known, or ‘from’ otherwise issued, that is all and apart from any soul’s knowing, or ability to attain knowing.

‘Ye must be born again’, if any knowing is to be made known to any.

No man can say in truth “It were better (or good) had I not been born.” All his knowing is far too bounded to know this. He is already locked up to himself, even in that cell, even if only metaphorically, mentioned.

You know, sometimes a man may find himself given to that musing, particularly in some extremis of being when the nakedness of it becomes too great to bear, or seems too great to suffer “It might have been better to have not been born than to come to this”. Even thoughts of ‘unborning’ one’s self.

But it is far too late for that, and was never in one’s hand (though it may appear in imagination as such possibility ‘to do’ ). Yes, far too late. But always soon enough (and never too late) to recognize one’s hand is forbidden from any accomplishing of that which that hand had nothing to do…being.

The supreme ‘of being’ who may be known as the Supreme Being, has made, and keeps by sustaining, all rules of the road. They are unbreakable, unshakeable, and immutable. The soul is always subject….and no less, always seeking to cast off governance. It is locked up…until…hope of relief becomes all that is both desperately sought, while just as desperately plain it cannot accomplish for itself.

May the hope of relief…move you. But not in ignorance.

I simply don’t know any other way around it.

On our way to learning the depths of this commandment, this new commandment “Love one another as I have loved you” the working is at once far more profound, but also far more strange than could have ever been imagined.

If I were to say that in all I once held a certain perception of such as that which following Jesus would yield, even per an agenda perhaps; but am now finding it far different than once perceptions and conceptions, would you understand? Things are so very very different in substance than they once appeared.

Love one another as I have loved you. That new commandment.

It never goes away, never gets dimmer, only brighter, never comes to some fulfillment as I might have once apprehended fulfillment to mean. Yes, the word of the Lord, even these words of the Lord, have no dimming in them, no finality that any man (as I am persuaded) might say “OK, that part is done…what is next?”. There is always a deeper.

Now even as I write I sense some irksomeness, perhaps even a resistance to such seeming lack of finality. Almost as though it is a promise of constant frustration…to be told something, to be under instruction or pursue something that appears as it does, with ‘no end’.

Yet, even at my own resistance there is no dismay, for how could it ever be less than that? Who would have, or hold the Lord’s love as some finite thing: as when a project is finished and now is time to ‘move on to another’? Who has ever (I speak to men in Christ) so tasted of the Lord’s love (even specifically toward themselves) and ever thought “Well, that’s enough of that, time to move on to something else”?

What else takes your breath away…to not only know of His presence, but to know of it as the very manifestation of His love for one? Not there to condemn (though I dare not deny many rebukes), not there to pain (though I dare not deny the many chastenings) not there but for any other than His purpose to simply ‘be with’ the one and ones to whom He has promised “I will never leave you nor forsake you”. He, in all fulfillment of Himself as inseparably congruent and consistent with His word.

And this all done without any show of grimace, any form of distaste as though odious to Him to be ‘that one’ and do so, even to have been made so, as the one capable of full fellowship with man, and as a man. This is very high for me. Yet, it is who He is. To even come as one to sit in dust with any fallen who have known the disgrace of having their own mouths stopped with dust in their fall and without strength to even call for help, nor certainly utter one ‘good thing’. Utterly patient to be seen.

No, and Yes! it is different. Far different than once I surely thought, even believed was end. And here I make no claim of any attaining, only some glimpse of things far too wonderful than imagination might have conjured. Even if or with ‘best intent’. (Of which I can never claim, for it is far too late for me to deny the truth of how woefully short even what I may think are my best intents fall and fail) and how very untrustworthy they are always shown. His intent(s) always rise, my own are not merely negligible, but in all, for the ignoring. His intent. His intents. Again, so very high of me and for me to phrase. Yet, He is whom He is.

Yes, I thought or once imagined (and now I speak as a fool) that in such following there would be some eventual survey of my estate not only allowed but to that very end. That I might come to a place where I could perceive myself of some accomplishment, some attaining, and look upon myself with some satisfaction, even approval. I would ‘finally’ be ‘enough as my Lord’ to know myself as such, to delight in myself as such, to even relish at having been made so. See? I told you I must speak as a fool.

How could I have known, a thing so ‘coming out of’ all self interest? Ignorance is a wonderful plea to be given for any in His court to be allowed to declare. As is ‘not guilty’ by reason of insanity. But such must be supplied by the court as plea. I can only testify, it is. And His provision, no matter our estate, even when most foolish and thinking we see so well (I was sure being like Jesus would eventually make me think myself ‘cool’) not knowing how very appropriate is the changing of just one letter in that. A fool…but loved.

Love one another as I have loved you. It never ends. It cannot because He does not. The unveiling of what has no end (and we may come to glimpse) has a beginning far further before than our own imaginations might carry us, is well, yes, breathtaking. Again, it could be no less than He Himself could be less than He is. Everlasting love does not, and did not start at our own recognition of it, though we so peculiarly may still mark times and seasons. We are too well known well before we even know ourselves as ourselves. Even right now, in all we ‘may think’ we know of ourselves. Or Him.

Yes, it is strange how this commandment…stays. Strange as in too marvelous. Even all failings and falling shorts as when some harshness is revealed to me of attitude, disposition, impatience or irksomeness…serve its end. Have I been loved so? Out of some painful obligation? Out of some odious service? God forbid, He has never shown Himself anything but kind and forbearing in His patience toward a one whom, when coming to any or some sobriety, cannot but declare ‘justice was merited there and no less than death for such hypocrisy and deceit’…yet…’you have loved me past it.’ And not only so…but through it.

Dare I show less? God forbid! And yet I cannot deny of the many times I have…and still, finding the wonder of His love, sustaining. Dare I, in any way, be found implying even an iota of taking such for granted? Again, God forbid!

But too oddly it is, isn’t it? Such is ‘granted’. He has granted Himself in eternal love to us and for us, that even we might be delivered from such attitude that lends to a taking for granted. And so that, even if, or when we do, and are found indulging such attitude, He does not deny Himself. I better understand a little why Paul exclaimed in such as could only be dismay if left without the spirit’s full help “Who is equal to such a task?” Who could ever rightly ‘relate’ in word and words, or even higher, demonstration were it not for an intercessor ever attentive to our estate and frames and giving the spirit in His name to help with all our infirmities?

Yes. He has sent us, or better, granted us, given us, a too wonderful treasure hunt formed of all indelibleness mapped in us, by His presence…seek out how much you are loved, that vet particular ‘as I have loved you’, and you will find yourself unable to deny it your brother.

And that is too wonderful to a man who once thought he knew what love is enough to say…”OK, but what is next, what is in it for me after that?” with some (now too plainly seen) remarkably insane straight facedness, to himself.

If any have been brought in merest sense to know the innate hostility of what may be found in man to all that is eternal and true, and been made able to smell the acrid plumes that rise from such resistance, in such awful resistance, he may come to appreciate a great wonder.

That One has been given authority, and of such magnitude in all, that he has power to turn such a staunchly and dreadly committed adversary to a friend…and even One to whom He might show what love truly is. Yes, I once sought after beholding myself as ‘good’ friend, and made much of seeking to display myself as such. It is enough to be called friend, and to see hope presented for one who now holds some hope that he too, is being made able…to love.

This is too great a wonder, particularly for a man like me. The promise of being able to love, and given in too wonderful a way of finding…to see, search out, discover, just how very much I have been loved. I am not sorry at all for matters beyond my ability to plumb to all ‘end’. And if God grant that there be another time I smack my thumb firmly with a hammer of such force to even forget in such pang the One who already saw that coming, He understands my forgetfulness provoked in frame’s weakness.

“Love one another”…but not left there…”as I have loved you”

I testify there is no greater finding than the love that is in Christ. It is to see Christ, Himself.

It obliterates any tendency toward boredom…and taking for granted…that which has been granted us to know.

It’s such a simple matter, really…the dead can’t answer for themselves. But why would that be for a particular affecting toward, why that preference? First and most obvious, we can make anything mean most anything we like and prefer, without fear of contradiction. We can make a whaling story contain all manner of subtexts and references to psychological and metaphysical issues, explain what a poem means, find all manner of hidden sequences in a film, and diagnose a painter or sculptor by his artwork. And in all of this almost any theory is made supportable (including my proposition in the title) by enough words. And without the auteur or author present to refute…who is to say? Who has final say over meaning? Any?

Of course in reference to holy books or words considered holy we can feign an elevation of our esteem toward them as being ineffably untouchable and immutable…all the while, and no less, holding firmly to our own interpretation of their meaning. This petard set to a hoisting in and by our disingenuousness is set for the exposure of our particular disingenuousness; but, of course, that is my particular interpretation of God’s work among men, i.e. to show us all liars, (and that especially as before Him and most especially to ourselves) that we might seek relief.

Then secondly follows first, of making things say or mean to our own preference and from which we may claim some expertise, the very nature of apostles and prophets…personally. Being foundational to the structure of the church (shall I resort to scripture?) they are indispensable…but their person is rarely found so. And, in person…even less so. With their authority given for their work, and a foundational authority as mentioned, they are less inclined to make sacrifice of that authority (or will learn not to) by being men pleasers. Of course, if their delight is not in the authority of the One ordaining, but instead some affection for authority of themselves…they are either false or with much to learn.

And of course, presence in person make it very difficult to put words in their mouths…even if, or when, they are not clearly understood. They are made to be ready (when ready)…to patiently give answer. So, though much lip service may be given to the “apostle’s doctrine(s)”, less is given to, and more often denied or refuted to a one in person. And most (do I paint too broadly?) prefer rebukes found, even if found…from a distance. We may not yet know how very much we prefer (though we outwardly decry it as profane) our own ways. It’s so easy to disdain in person a one who speaks of “how things are”, preferring to seemingly exalt some others (though not present in flesh) and ours as being wholly devoted to their visions of how things are.
The truth that “Daddy’s home” is most often an interruption of our play and disorderliness, and is appointed to those of foundational office and calling. But, and this but is nothing less than most relevant, with no trust in themselves for sufficiency, and apart from any assuming of roles that would exalt themselves. To understand how and the workings of authority requires a deep looking into the Lord Jesus Christ, which is never exclusively theirs…but rather to provoke others, if made able, to encourage such deeper looking. How any man, in being sent with, or in any authority, might be able to consider himself least of all, servant rather than boss, given as to be some support from below (as a foundation) for those above and esteemed better than themselves…well, yes, one may be able to appreciate how deep a look that is by invitation and provoking to…a looking into Christ. And Jesus is quite open to all His own, and His depths are not withheld from any even if or though it appears some may be called to first go there.

You see, we are to whatever extent we remain, often in love with lies about ourselves. “I would have stood with Jesus”…”I would have seen and appreciated Paul’s depth and counsel where others perhaps did not…” (At my first response, no man stood with me” he said)

“Yes!, I get all he says and is saying! In fact, my denomination wholly endorses his writings as no less than all the scriptures…as inspired!”

“It’s even one of the statements of faith we have and require for membership in our church!”

We do not like when any see through our charades (too broad a brush?)…and to not be too casual, but not willing to sacrifice for an appearance of piety, the truth…”And God forbid any personally confront us (or me) on these matters…in person.” No apostles and prophets are more often preferred, or at least at some distance. And being “dead” suffices. Or their office and callings…concluded.

We are more often like those who Jesus spoke to in putting some distance, or at least hoping to. “Had we lived in the days of our father’s we would not have stoned the prophets (*unsaid: “like they did”). Had I heard Jesus personally, Paul, personally, Peter, personally…yeah…I am sure I’d be right there in the arena with them, on the chopping block with them…before the Sanhedrin, right there with Him…and not run scared or denying…as the ones we so often call “fathers” in the faith.

Do you yet have precious myths about yourself?

I surely do.

Apostles and prophets…different, but not different. Their eyes are to be given. This is no different than any other called of the Lord…to colabor as givers of sight. To be, by their own deliverance from shadows and fumes of obscurity that cloud sight and understanding…and meaning…that the Lord be seen, in His meaning…His significance. Not their own.

The ones we read, and read of, the ones we may say are reliable witnesses of the death and resurrection…did not become so, (although ordained to be so whose fruit would remain) apart from their own learning. That grace outstrips and outstripped their own exaggerations about themselves, their own affections for position, their own frailty and ease of being scattered, their own…in all, pretty much being wrong…about everything. Who they were of themselves, what they could do of themselves, how they could and would, and did, correct the Lord in His stating of how things are and what would be. And because that grace, and because of that work of grace toward themselves were then unashamed of preaching that gospel that not only can save the weakest, but by their own experience…does.

Things had moved from vagueness or theory and/or a far offness of mere words heard by their flesh…and into their own flesh. These were chosen to first go…knowing no confidence in their own flesh in all its now exposed frailty and vanity. They know and well understand until this work is done in a man, even that “any man” who may be found in Christ…to that curious but necessary hating of his own life when shown how empty and vain it is, he cannot but wait in his being despised.

It’s a promise made to him/them…even as to be received of all who might call themselves disciples and not hoarded to themselves for self glorying…but to, by all means and whatever means provided this not be lost to any as for any…”and you will be hated by all men for my name’s sake”.

Unless one cares to find some other meaning to those words. Maybe some distancing, maybe some “those may not be for today”…no less as apostles and prophets are so often consigned. Not needed…not for today. And make them as less than promise, or even as less than all the other promises many make boast of having…as their own.

After all…who doesn’t like…”likes”?

But who alone is able to save from a particular woe we may so often seek after, even in our sternest and most strident denial of its being motive?

“Woe to you when all men speak well of you…”

Only One is able to save. Amongst what so often and eagerly pursues “Likes”.

It’s a miracle, I tell you.

I tell you, a miracle.

Concluding as it did (Pt1) with a claimed liberty to address what is “just like him”, that is, the man who knows he has lied to himself in, and by, his own mind, I continue. Finding no prohibition, nor even shame in admission at how very often I lie, and am found lying to myself, even exposed as lying and lying to myself; would otherwise entail denying the Lord’s knowing by any denial, and also deny His grace and truth by allowing shame an upper hand in any attempt to conceal what is both so plain, and plainly paid for by the Lord’s death. And I understand now, better than I imagine I ever have…”Who then would want to listen to a liar?”

As surely as I could not convince myself, I can convince no other how far better it is to admit to one’s self that estate, and seemingly risk appearing as a liar, than to either deny the Lord in His knowing, or deny the Lord in His grace. We may often say “Let God be true and every man a liar” without any understanding at all, even often thinking as we may repeat it, it is now only applying to some other man, or some other men. We often think by repeating what is true, we are being ourselves, in all things, true. And, no doubt, it surely is a thin veil of comfort to think so, in this lying to ourselves that is being made too plain. And surely, if we do learn we have and do (even often) lie to ourselves, what is left but to lie to one another?

Is it not made…too plain? When Jesus spoke of the man who had gathered much to a building of barns for it and then spoke to his soul, is it not plain Jesus both hears and knows all inner conversations of man? Do you think not? Or that it was only that particular man, that other man of which He spoke?

And he spake a parable unto them, saying, The ground of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully: And he thought within himself, saying, What shall I do, because I have no room where to bestow my fruits? And he said, This will I do: I will pull down my barns, and build greater; and there will I bestow all my fruits and my goods. And I will say to my soul, Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years; take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry. But God said unto him, Thou fool, this night thy soul shall be required of thee: then whose shall those things be, which thou hast provided?

Now, as a liar, I will concede to other liars how easily this is made to appear as it is not. It is, to a liar, most easily grasped (and more comfortingly appraised) as meaning, “This is Jesus telling us, or at least a someone somewhere, ‘to not be like that‘ ” But who isn’t already like that? Who doesn’t think that way? “I’ve been going full bore, I’ve been spending myself, I have had the pedal to the metal (after whatever fashion), and now I will conserve…I will take my foot off the gas (to preserve it)…and coast now for as long, or as long a time, as I have provided myself”

If you have never been caught, or do not recognize, or worse, refuse to recognize the ease with which self indulgence is indulged, even in calculations and justifications, I have nothing to say. And I understand the weak refutation “Are you saying there is no rest, no ease to be had or found?” God forbid! For, it is only found of God, and in God through Christ. The man who labors for himself, who attributes fruit as coming from his own labors…does not yet even recognize, if there be any (fruit), it was also and only God who supplied all power…to labor. But while the man adjudges and proceeds from “the labors are my own, and the fruit is therefore also” he cannot but think thus, be caught thus, and exposed, thus.

But yes, it is no mystery of the how and why, even a disciple might think merely “This is Jesus telling us how we ought not to be”. But, when we find out we already are…

It is no less plain that to some this is appraised as more a mistake, a failure in, and by, not knowing, by which the man proceeds to speak to himself…he’s not lying to himself…he’s just mistaken. Oh, yes, indeed it is, indeed he is…mistaken, for the not knowing of how things are. And by that he speaks a myth to himself, a myth received and promulgated of all practice among men and of which men cannot escape…but by intervention. And more the point of the parable, is that intervention. How easily, in all our appraisals is that not considered? God speaks to the man!

Oh, yes, we can leave it at “this is a parable about a foolish man”…somewhere. A man Jesus is warning us to not be like. “After all,” we think from the comfort of our armchair as we study “God calls him a fool”. That him, there, in the story, “Yes, God, I agree, that man is a fool…because…” Because he didn’t even know he didn’t know. “Just how mistaken that man is, huh, Lord?!” Yes, some leave it there. Being glad it was of some other Jesus spoke. For we have now “taken the lesson”.

O foolish man who lies to himself! But what of God? God speaks/spoke to that man who is like that. Yes, he calls him a fool, yes, there is a sting to that, no doubt. But nevertheless…does God speak to him? Jesus says He does. Do you doubt? Or do you leave the story, may even like to leave the story/parable (are you now lying to yourself?) with the man, none the wiser, dying that night…and even justly…as a fool?
I would have to wonder about you as I must often wonder then about me, have you ever had an intervention? Ever…not had one? It’s plain this man had reproval, rebuke, rebuff, and right to his own face as a fool, by the Knower of all things. Do you think, believe…even barely consider God’s confrontation, so plain and frank…with stern rebuke…is made to none effect? If so, would a man, even any man in Christ…even a liar if shown so, not be right to hold some fear for you? About you? Or do you believe as that any man mentioned, who may even be of Christ, that God’s power to awaken a fool, is greater than fool’s love of slumber in the lies he tells himself?

Is Jesus speaking a parable of some man, somewhere? Or, is God waking us up to whom that man is? The man needing to be shaken from the comfort of the lies he tells himself…even that this parable is about…someone else?

The sting. Yes the sting. Might a man awaken at a sting? He may with eyes yet closed brush away some troublesome fly buzzing around his nose, or seeking to land upon his lips, barely rousing. But a sting? Will he sleep through that, to die a fool, as he rolls snoring toward the precipice? God knows, doesn’t He? Is it kind or unkind of God to sting? To even have Him say “you fool!” and know it is you and/or I unmistakably being addressed. Have any found the kindness in it? I know a fool who has. Might stings even and therefore…come to be treasured?

“Who are you, Lord?”

“Jesus whom thou persecutest”

Do you dare imagine, do you dare believe, if you are a man and have known anything about being man, even a man proceeding from what he thinks he knows…that there was in that moment, maybe even and only for the tiniest fraction of that moment, not some most profound and immediate knowing/sensing/experiencing in the man…of an “Uh-oh!”

Or, was it all and only, in Saul’s most heightened moment of inner conversation “Oh, cool, Jesus has something to say to me”?

I don’t think that Uh-oh ever left that man. I know it didn’t. He treasured it as he treasured grace, that Uh-oh moment, for he knew in himself grace is meaningless to a man apart from a most profound experience of the Uh-oh that shakes and wakes him. He was sure of it. It doesn’t make grace meaningless, God forbid! Anymore than I can make it mean more than it already does to any. Only God is both able to sting, and so heal that sting as it may be gloried in.

Now I know I cannot deliver that sting, having had no power to awaken myself, if indeed I am. Part of that sting is a man learning, and continuing to learn…that as much as he might like, as much as he might feel compelling, as much as he might even find a burning desire…even as these things grow deeper and farther in himself to desire as he had never understood it…once…he is, in all of himself, and of himself…of no ability.

One might think it odd, wouldn’t one? Wouldn’t growing mean one is getting better at stuff? I mean at least some ability to plainly show all ease in it. But then, Jesus as fully grown would have left testimony of a man declaring as he walked up Golgotha’s hill, “Cake walk, cake walk everybody, just a cake walk for me, see you in three days. I been bearing the cross all the days I have been with you, it’s cool (you guys kill me, you really do! ha ha!)…see how good at it I am now!”

Some may think that joy precludes tears and snot and cries and blood (O! the blood) and sweat…and even some sensing of an uh-oh…Eloi Eloi lama sabacthani. No it is only joy that makes any to bear it. Even to a man most probably soiling himself, and publicly, and quite without ability to restrain.

But a man like me? At best, a liar, believing in that intervention for such.

God knows.

You know. The only one whose joy gives us strength.

That One.

And when we were all fallen to the earth, I heard a voice speaking unto me, and saying in the Hebrew tongue, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

How many times might Jesus ask us…why? What is He after? Is He after our answer as an un-knower in seeking out knowledge? That He might learn something if we have an informed enough response? (I’m persuaded most I know would chuckle at that proposition)

Or is it something else? Perhaps like “what is your standing, whence your standing upon?” From what and which do your actions take form and proceed? Do you know? At all? Along with all attendant thought processes by which action proceeds.

And not so He might know…but that we might.

O! my, how deep might this probing be? If I do answer, do I not de facto open the door to this “game” of pursuits and pursuing?

Can I pretend enough to not have heard the question? To not involve myself in this game?

Knock, knock…

Knock, knock…

Knock, knock…

OKAY! OKAY!…”Who’s there?”

Red pill or blue pill…do we “want” to know, or do we not want?
(Again) O! my, where might this lead…could it even lead to the “why” of want?

And who has right to ask that “why?” Does any? Do any? Is there any, are there any with right to know “our” why…to the point that they have right of answer? Who started this game anyway…?
(Who started this silly writing might be more the present question)

Just a silly child. Just a silly child that has found that even if in the valley of decision, where all appears up as option or optional for choice and choices, there is one undeniably off the table for consideration, and that made so, just by his being.

He had no choice in that, to be thrust into that place, this place…of deciding. Thrust of no choice of his own into that, this valley. He was made (created) and made (forced) in that making…to be here.

All around are choices, everything appears to call for it/them…appeal for them, make demand for them, so that his ears are now numb in their suffusing…and certainly to, especially to, that curious self help helper guru who states…”Remember, everything is a choice”. Yes, yes…okay okay okay…I get it, I get it. I get it. Everything hangs in a balance. Tomorrow will be the result of today’s choices. I…get…it. Even that each second following another will be according to choice made in that previous.

But…I didn’t choose to know…about choice and choices…it, this knowing of them, appears as surely thrust to me as my being, as though I can foolishly consider non-being as what being is not, like I have that horsepower in my consciousness. Or think I can even now choose not being. (And no, I don’t think(?) I have chosen to be a fool…but…)

What is the why?…the why, of why I both am, and find myself here in this valley? That I am, I do not doubt. That I am in a place laden with choice(s), neither do I doubt either.

I do find a prohibition against speaking for you, that you in particular that may read. I have no power to accuse, nor any power to enforce agreement. You are who you are. Who and what you are you answer in every moment with your being. And I can only say, I do so no less. It is not as though I am responsible to myself to be that who or what I am, it is simply that there is no escaping it. (Have you been able?)

And if we have at all common experience and might even say (as to ourselves) “but now I will be different”, even if born of a deepest longing, desire above or beyond all desire, and by which we supply and apply our will to effect…do we see it does not matter? It is still an “I”…just seeking to be different. It is like a child showing pictures of himself…”this is me in the swimming pool, this is me riding a bike.” This is me choosing, choosing to be different…or even, this is me choosing to not choose.

Whenever we touch our “I” (and, is that avoidable?) we touch the unavoidable of all, of no choice. Yet…now in a seemingly choice filled place. Red pill or blue pill? See how deep the rabbit hole goes…or wake up in the morning as though none of this ever took place? Does it matter? One cannot but make the choice they do…anymore than they can choose not to be…who they are.

Listen, I am not ignorant that these things can be discomfiting. Or, that if received as blithely written, it is simply a man by spreading words is trying to ameliorate some strange frustration(s), or matters springing from those. Does it matter, at all, what I am? To me it might (at best) be of some matter, but how any perceive me is as out of my hands as me trying to not be…me.

But, in regards to that, do you doubt that I have ever sought to be a something other? A “better” me…by whatever metric might be applicable…by me? A smarter me? A more successful me? A more knowing me? Go down any and every list imaginable of words that might be stuck in front of man…kind man, patient man, clever man, wise man, intelligent man, wealthy man, talented man, artful man, yes “better” man, as modifier…and I will not deny I have sought such modifiers to indeed modify the thing inescapable if left of itself…that thing which left unmodified I am both ill at ease with, and forever seeking to improve upon (by metrics I have had no choice in)… just a man. Yes, I have even tried on even the grandest of all (by metrics thrust to me) a spiritual man.

And by no means have I tried all on, I am not nor ever have been doctor man, lawyer man, President man, councilman, electrician or plumber man…in matter of career and seeming choices thereof. Those are not what I meant in list of modifiers…yet they are, aren’t they? And no less. I indeed was once a sales man (some may say, even now) but that was just as ill fitting (though I tried, I think I really did, at least to the extent I was moved by wanting to be a wealthier man that it seemed to hold some promise of). The modifiers are always ill fitting as hard as we may seek to establish them, and I am convinced, it is not because of themselves, but because of how ill fitting the thing is they seek to modify. Or better, we seek to modify by them. Man. And the very why of why we do…seek them. Yes, I do know what impostor syndrome is.

I have met none but one…content to be…man. And he only speaks…to man. Even as…for man.

Now, there are a billion and more words waiting to be said in regards to that, and I am not at all convinced I should have time for them…but they are there, surely.

And I know there are those who have said, might say, and yet do say…”But you have met him only in mind, even your own mind!” That is true, no doubt. But where else is any man “met”? Even in this instant…you are measuring me. At least the me you are able to perceive. In your own mind. And I am at the same issue, and no less, in this writing. I perceive…a reader. How do I perceive you? The same way you perceive me…in mind.

And what pursuits might be additionally called for in that, that is, if we care to know in some sense…beyond mere perception? What experiments done to “see” if somehow, at least to ourselves, perceptions align with what each of us may call reality? Or, can we never…know anything? One would think reality must be established first in and to each…before any holding against it as for determining truth might be recognized. Do perceptions make the reality, or are perceptions to be held against a real (if one concedes such a thing as “real” self exists) for their determining of actual alignment or spuriousity [sic].

And at least in this I know I am spitting into the wind if thinking I have any ability to communicate with any who do not already know how easily they either are, or have been, deceived by their own mind(s). No, I’ll easily admit to no ability at all. None that extends past the man who knows he has lied to himself.

He alone do I have liberty to address…being just like him.

Now there’s a lofty title, surely. Without a doubt someone looks like they are going to parade about as though they know something, and particularly in some form of a boast of knowing what man does not know. And do this while claiming to be some sort of man himself? Isn’t that absurd?

Or, is he no more than a kindergartener at recess taunting another with “I know something you don’t know, I know something you don’t know” in some sing-songy lilt and rhythm?

God knows, surely, but if pressed, I’d go with the second view. God knows all of that child’s failings as man in trying to be a man according to his own view of what it means to be one. Far better to admit to being barely more than infantile; and safer, too. Particularly safer if not feigning toward some heavenly endorsement of a maturity that child know he lacks when another of stature is in sight.

And that child can all too easily now admit to an ignorance too overwhelming for his own bearing; he has always been in the presence of a greater. That he too often never recognized (even often still does not recognize) is plain to any observer, and what is even more plain that at best, and in all his declarations, he is still bound by his own thoughts that only provide to him hints.

Yes, mostly a child engaged in boasts. But even children have hints of propriety, proven out when they either adjust behaviors or tone down a taunt when they see the teacher approaching on the schoolyard, or parent entering their room where they previously tormented a younger sibling. We cannot escape discipline, even if or when we claim it of some facelessness as in “Life has taught me”.

And this child is persuaded life has a face. A face that has shown up. And shows up. And most often, even to himself seemingly unbidden…even at those times when such behavior would seem to deny that presence, or have some silly hope of not being seen. It is now too far beyond this child to now ever claim any good behavior, even if he might more easily like to be noted for it, or some. No, his most true confession of anything he might like to claim or think as hint of it is all and only attributable to “I am watching being watched” is all. Life has taught him of an eye unblinking and far more effectually proved in rebuke and chastening than anything other.

Yes, he may have some desire to hear words of “well done”, but he has also learned that that desire can be far too easily taken advantage of, and that he has likewise and far too often been inclined to make them up as for himself, to deliver to himself. Yes, he cannot deny also being caught in playing make believe. He’d like to grow up (or so he thinks) but that make believe is so often shown as having such hold that he is convinced he never shall unless forced to. And force and power…and all authority, likewise as life…has a face.

This face that demands facing (even by all force, power, and authority) holds those selfsame eyes that demand all seeing. Even such seeing that one is being seen and watched. A man knows himself as having an eye to what he is convinced are his own thoughts…even in picking over them as though his own, pursue that one with a continuity (it appears profitable for now) abandon that one as of no present use, run from that one in terror and try to lock it up, or hide one’s face from that one for the sheer shame of it wondering (perhaps rightly) “where in hell did that come from?”

That…can’t be me, right? Yet…you and I know where it appeared. You will, just like me in regards to thoughts, claim some…but O! some others…we cringe at thought of making such known as having appeared in ourselves. Surely those are not for, nor cannot be for, parade. We want to hide even our faces from acknowledging our having them. And, we do. And so in hiding from ourselves, (or at very least seeking to) how can we not but hide from one another? Small wonder then how even the notion of an unblinking eye is often too discomfiting. And hide and seek seems a game we forever, even as children, go about playing.

For in almost all matters of relationship and most common commerce by and among men, our seeming right to know how true another is, or what we think is the truth about another, comes quite naturally to ourselves. We turn an eye to them, when in search of that truth about them, and this most often for determining friend or foe status. And, of course, such relationships need never, and are never limited to the strictly personal level, our opinions formed of judgments being in exercise far and wide. Jesus well knew/knows our predilection for judging. Our weakness toward our own selves in deciding whether a thing is good or not.

Do we not tend to deem a man, if sensing any operation of his seeking to hide a something from us far differently than the one of whom we sense being open and plain…at least toward us? One may appear crooked as a snake, the other a straight shooter. Our disdain of one and affinity or affection for another, seem plain enough to us. One appears devious, the other honest and true (or so we esteem them).

But if it is true (and I can make no other adhere to it) that we know that particular experience in our own consciousness of putting off, putting down, or in whatever fashion seeking to divorce ourselves from certain thoughts and or considerations…even when found in ourselves worthy of some latter repressing, those “darker things” mentioned, we may rarely consider how much that operation itself skews the mechanism of our judgments.

It is, perhaps, in some ways (when seen and appreciated as such) like jamming clumpy dirt into what we of ourselves consider our O! so fine devices and mechanism(s) of judgment. Like pouring sand into a tuned engine. Or one that should be. Or as severe voltage spikes might affect what we have considered a finely tuned meter. They may still give out some sort of reading, but they are then in many ways far worse than than one completely fried and plainly showing itself of all uselessness.

And I hold to some maintaining that Jesus Christ’s ministry to, and among men, was precisely that in greater part. To not only force a facing of how broken and distorted we are in all our judgments in our self known (even when denied) repressions of what would be called sinful thoughts and tendencies that leads to that blindness of our own deeds, while judging others for what we see of them (or believe we do) in that blindness; but that particularly He had come as sort of thief in the night (that night of our own blindness) to expose by a stealing from us (and frankly showing) the poverty of our own selves in seeking to justify such as an exquisite holding to truth.

And of course, it is no accident nor mere happenstance that His words and deeds were often done in the face of the religious of that day (some might say the most exquisitely religious) and with such even conversations with them, recorded. These were those of most refined religious palate, trained and educated well beyond their charges, known for their exacting attentions to details whose studies were of such diligence and extremity as would become and seemingly merit a those being called leaders. Not merely the keepers (so to speak) of the faith, but the very connoisseurs of it. They sat in Moses’ seat to be the teachers of the people of Israel.

And their seeming reverence for the man of that name, Moshe rabbenu (Moses our teacher) as above all men, while not excluding Avraham, was ingrained. This to them was their foundational claim of superior man and man among men, who were known as servants of God. And a man will find God is the most powerful trump card playable he is able to summon to justify himself in his doings.

And the Jews of that day had laid what was to them exclusive claim to that God above all other gods. What held to other gods, held practices of, to, and for other gods, these Jews held by assurance of their own history and pieties as being inferior, and their practitioners esteemed as dogs. And, as is not uncommon among the most deeply religious and religiously bound, they were quite convinced of their understanding(s), and of their sure apprehension of all matters of that history to even knowing fully all their own purpose for being.

It is a very common, if not the most common estate, not merely for the religious, but as Jesus saw and knew, of every man. Self convinced of purpose. All in service to a self deemed indispensable to the world. The self in its being does not deny its self in being, (i.e. knowing that it is) and thence leaps to: it has therefore to be, and maintained therefore by all efforts of maintenance.

Yes, every man has a god he serves. Even the staunchest and most strident of so called nihilists, denying any and all meaning of, for, or to anything is found serving a very particular notion. Of himself. And Jesus is/was unafraid to address this very core of things, especially amongst those who claimed God as core. And a disciple only learns in following, not that Jesus always knew more than He “let on”, as if being deceptive, but reserving till such time as could be received; such was in a man made able to be received.

I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. Jn 16:12-14

Yes, Jesus had/has disciples. Peculiar insomuch as I may take liberty to say. Their falling out as to what is and what is not disciple is not as may be made of common display, and most often of common acceptance. The practices (of which there may be many), the confessions (of which there may be many), the touting of experiences (of which there may be many) nor adopting of a particular name to themselves (of which, yes, there are very very many) do not speak of it. Reciting holy letters surely does not speak of it. (Nor writing much, surely) No, a distinguishing mark, if not the distinguishing mark (and God knows if I am being presumptuous) in and of a disciple is that power exercised upon him that is causing him to stay. Might he wander? No doubt. Might he not apprehend or misapprehend? Surely.

But in all, and ultimately, the mark that distinguishes is to him that someone he dare not escape (and he has learned it is not of his own choosing nor doing of that dare not) who speaks to him, and is able to, as shown in John 16:12 above. For there is a man, with a company of His own, and quite known to Him, to which He is unafraid to say in any fear of losing “You can’t handle the truth…yet” No man can hear that unless prepared by another and for another to such convincing of the truth of that other, that he is not offended to an ultimate departure.

Do we really think or imagine the disciples understood the eating of his flesh and the drinking of his blood as life itself in far better apprehension than all the others who departed? Jesus even asked them if they would also go. No, they did not say “Nah, we’ll stick around because we get it Lord, we’re hip to what you are saying” No, not at all. Their only response is the only response a disciple has to give in such circumstance…”you’ve really ruined us as far as anything anyone or anything else might have to offer…it’s you alone who both gets it, and has it, and gives it…” Even if we don’t get it…yet. We have believed…and come to know….you’re it.

Now, if you are able, hear this. Even if you hate that transliteration above. The disciple is being kept, and kept with, and to him, some knowing there is nothing, no thing, or any one as the Lord. It is a good confession…”to whom shall we go?” for there is none like you. Just as Peter made likewise confession…”thou art the Christ, the son of the living God”.

And what I say next, God help me, I do not say at all to make a point of anyone’s foibles. We know that after these wonderful comings to know, of being persuaded to making too wonderful confession, we are left recorded denials, corrections made as to the Lord in boasts of a superiority over brothers, and an unright interest in Christ’s plan for others…”What will this man do?”

And of such things I often write and remember. I cannot anymore escape their recalling (and mention) it seems, than I can escape myself.

I need to know them as both true, but not merely so as for themselves as things verified, but also to see the Lord’s grace to such…in His keeping. I am the man who has made confession…even in claim to some knowing. I am the man who, even if in unknowing, has corrected the Lord with preferences, and more, preference of how I would like to see myself.

God forbid I lie about any and all those places I have thought myself superior. God forbid I deny, God forbid I deny. For if in such denial or any seeking at all, whatsoever, and dodging at all whatsoever, to lay out as plainly as I can of what sort of man I am, and therein deny the grace of God and the mercy of Christ…God help me.

It is as we may eventually come to find out, such a small thing for a man to confess what he is when he is in any beholding of Christ’s work of making Himself plain. To show who He is by a submission to a death on behalf of others, where in, and from, such place of greatest pressing He continued in fullest ministry of grace, mercy, and truth.

I see two men, one in all need of saving, one fully devoted to that work. And not only in a then, as though historically or temporally such and such took place for salvation, but that in the very now, there is one who ever liveth to make intercession. It is far more than some pleasing notion or comforting consideration, it is in some way inexplicable, life to me. I am simply unable, in light of who I am, to see, or assent to, or assert to any conviction the necessity of that truth in its working and utmost of necessity…to me. I cannot support it ever by reason.

Yes, I am older but some may not consider me quite old, I have surely been around some…but without doubt…not as some as others. And I am not unfamiliar with such things as “see yourself as Christ sees you” as though a remedy is needed for this estate. As though a man in whatever way he knows himself as not the Lord (at all) in that, His perfection; must be so grievously lost in a misery counter to (even denying) the Lord’s work and promise of life and peace. Yet, it is not that, no, it is not that, at all.

Without doubt I too would have seen it that way, and surely had that disposition…once. Of course I never could phrase it in such a way as now I do or am made able, because the old man’s thinking (of which the new man can see far more clearly) is not such for much understanding, much less clarity of expression. But I can testify of a man who once moved according to a notion that growth/progress/attentiveness…would lead to a far more pleasing (in the ways the flesh is pleased) beholding of itself. It was like “grow grow grow” till you are finally shiny and appreciate your own shininess.
“Oh, but you are really gonna like then how very good you are”. (Sounds like something you might hear from a snake in your garden).

Anything to take eyes and attentions away from a friend walking with you.

For others who may have already come to a better understanding I have nothing to add, obviously. And to those others who already have, it’s easy to see how juvenile a notion such is. But to see Christ’s mercy is worth all the seeing…even if it “has to be” toward one so childish in understanding and only made less so, (maybe only slightly less so) by many reprovals and rebukes.

And God forbid I be found saying there is nothing beyond this, as this is the end of all knowing and/or following, or seeking to. Nor is it an endorsement of surrender to bad thoughts (as judged with whatever light one has) or bad/foolish inclinations, or despair at bad deeds, born of ignorance.

It is in fact all that those things are not. One is finding out, as can only be found out in and by the Lord’s leading with light into those darkest and most dismal places previously unknown, even denied as being. Without paradox or contradiction it is only the new man who can see the old man and even begin to recognize him in himself. To even begin to discern what is between new and old, or as the scriptures say in those having had senses exercised through use…to discern good from evil.

And it is evil, quite evil indeed to move according to any notion that, if shiny enough, one proves they no longer are in all necessity for, that all glory might be rendered to, a Savior. Being made comfortable, or better perhaps, content in knowing better/deeper just how much one is both in need of a Savior, coupled with His undeniable will to appear as such to a one is always a dawning, where first light eclipses what would otherwise smother a man in continuing darkness. One apostle spoke of those “who have loved His appearing”.

And I will add, a man’s desire to self behold himself in a certain light for his own pleasure in that beholding (or thinking of himself) is not small in motive. Simply look at a world of striving, wherein man covets to “see himself” as success or successful, and all the metrics adopted for indication to that end. And I simply declare no immunity to it of myself. Some may delight in many riches to show, some in many conquests, some in a mind of deeper probing or mysteries in their understandings, and some perhaps, as a writer…delight in a turn of phrase they easily admire as coming from themselves. It is only in some later, if graced with the Lord’s appearing, that that “not small motive” is shown of such poverty and ridiculous garb to inflate itself, that any man is able to grasp at plea of ignorance, and even find that sufficient in that true light as only true confession. “I did not know”.

I am the man. I am even that man. I am that guy caught forever seeking, and most often caught as seeking to not be that guy as so often warned against, “Don’t be that guy” by however my mind in deepest place frames that guy…the one…not to be.

But the truth is, I am that guy.

And perhaps you started to read, in the same way I started to write, not knowing where it would lead. And I may be the onliest of the only one the title applies to.

It might be all too easy, all too simple, all too already known in such plainness as to seem most rightly to be embarrassing to the one speaking as though he is just finding it out.

Oh, you’re that guy that uses thousands of words to finally come to all that is already too well known about you…you’re that guy.

Should I be?

Embarrassed?

I think of the Lord…our Lord.

The Lord of both heaven and earth. Not as only the Lord in heaven, though He surely is, but the Lord in, and of, all authority in it. I think of Him in His sufferings at the hand’s of man and cannot but think of His grace in His calling of man to Himself. A calling by a name, to the name, and into that name by which, and in which, that name is given to man, even to a man…who is called to be that particular any man of “If any man be in Christ.”

To be of Christ. Jesus the Christ. Not a principle nor even doctrines, not a consciousness, surely not the weakest of all a religion, nor even the most sublime (as might be attained) practices. But to a man with a name, a very particular man of that name which means “salvation is of God”. I don’t think I cannot think of Him, as it were choice-less in that matter, even if am persuaded I would prefer to. No, it is not nor was not by my choosing that He was presented into the earth.

And in that thinking that is only by His calling, I am left to consider the testimony of Himself recorded, but no less of those men, and even by those men recording.

We have the gospels, we have many letters.

And today we have a whole host (of folk) of who claim to testify of both
Him, and in often reference to those letters, a them. Men are often considered, and not un-rightly so as those who were called and also found faithful.

We have either worked this out or not, or better said, had this worked out in us by the grace of the Lord, or not.

Unless the recorders are shown faithful, and to whatever extent revealed so to us as so, the “red letters” the “black letters”, even all the letters will rest no more than upon some recommendation of others or another till God proves them (the words) so. But also and no less the recorders, as faithful recorders.

And though there may be many with great testimony of God’s sovereign intervention (for there is no intervention by God that is not of His sovereignty) and miraculous appearance in circumstance and/or situation to a persuading, even compelling to Christ, we still labor among the words. We may see signs in the heavens and in the earth beneath, see a wonder too marvelous to describe that moves us to Him. Yet, we still have those many words about Him…the many words we receive as reliable, or yet to be found so.

And the works, words, and workings of the men who recorded them.

Of what, to us, type is the man God calls? Even those whose record(s) we have in record, and have come to greatly rely upon as true. Is there any signal thing of which we might know them as set apart? They seem most common, actually, perhaps too common for some to find themselves readily admitting. For, if in speaking of a those or a “that” them as other, without including one’s self as like they (even most common of man) we not only lie in such as is called ministry; but in truth, oppose the Lord’s work, doing despite to His name. God calls to Himself through Christ what by us we might say is the common man, which to God, is man. That…any man.

That the any man is rarely if ever, not found with some covetous thinking of himself as special, or at very least quite special to himself, might be silly to have to state.

Yet, who brings to this salvation anything special of themselves? Anything but sin…which is common to man. It is all the man carries…in and of himself. All those many shortcomings.

We may even have some lean toward showing how common is the man Christ calls, yet rarely thinking it is no less ourselves. How much hay has been made of Peter’s denials? Peter’s being rebuked after he himself rebuked the Lord? His sinking when assaying to join Jesus on the waters? The brothers being rebuffed for forbidding the children. Or brothers James and John wanting to call down fire, and being reproved. Paul’s being struck blind? Even his confession of having been

(Who was) before a blasphemer, and a persecutor, and injurious: but I obtained mercy, because I did it ignorantly in unbelief.

Who is such a special man or form of him who cannot, or refuses to, see himself identified in at least one of the above? For me…Injurious? check. Blasphemer? check…and so on.

But how do we have such, even of this, Paul’s testimony of a “once” self?

We have such only because they are included, recorded by recorders who (dare not?) leave out warts and all, about themselves. Paul often and particularly…telling on himself. We may think they have shown us themselves (which they have surely) but unless it is to the end of, in their being of who they are/were, also seeing ourselves…we are simply able to chuckle at their foibles, their missteps, perhaps never seeing our own.

It’s an almost “thank goodness they were so frank…so “I” don’t have to be that way” when in all truth, we already are.

Or,

Why! I can “learn” to not be like Peter…boastful, proud, thinking himself superior in his ability to bear above his brothers:

“Even if all fall away on account of You, I never will.”
and
“And he said unto him, Lord, I am ready to go with thee, both into prison, and to death.”

O! But it is way too late for me to deny I have not known a man who thinks himself superior to his brothers. I don’t have to learn to not be like Peter! I must be won away from myself! In too many ways Peter is, in that regard, a piker compared to me in my self aggrandizement. A thinking of one’s self, superior.

And I think of Jesus telling His friends of what He must suffer and their speaking “on the way” over who of them would be counted the greatest. Oh! But who would do that? Be so consumed with themselves to not even hear what the Lord is saying of His impending death? Well, not someone…”like me”…but me precisely.

It is not unlike that friend who may come and tell another, “I have been diagnosed with stage 4” and the other replies, “Oh, yeah I get it, I hate being sick too, I had this cold one time and I was down for days…yeah, I ‘get it’…by the way, what did you bring for lunch?”

But who ever cares to think of themselves…much less confess of themselves…how dense they truly are, self consumed they are, and how, despite titles coveted and/or claimed, so called years and years of either service or sitting at the Lord’s feet (or as we might like to have others think of our attentions) we may not have even really begun to hear…and see?

Or, are really, just beginning?

There’s surely no shame in just beginning, God knows, and how that just one true word that might be squeezed out of us is so far in excess of value to all that may be spoken (or in this case, here, by me) written…as to put to shame all our other pious mutterings. Again, not “like me”…but me.

I was thinking of the writer of the Revelation of Jesus Christ, my being allowed to consider who he was, how he was, and what he was. Some so called theologians dispute over authorship, which is to me a small matter, such disputes. For he identifies himself as this:

I John, who also am your brother, and companion in tribulation, and in the kingdom and patience of Jesus Christ, was in the isle that is called Patmos, for the word of God, and for the testimony of Jesus Christ.

A man who knows and confesses Jesus Christ, knows of the tribulations found in Him, and with acknowledgement of the patience of the Lord…our Lord.
If we are able to believe the above testimony, and no less that he was found in “the spirit on the Lord’s day”, nothing is undercut by any dispute over which particular disciple he may be.

“Companion in tribulation” is what he leads with in affirming himself brother, and it cannot be lost on any who have, even if it be shown as superficial, surveyed the cross of Christ and the tribulations that lead to it.

And here I speak more of my own superficiality than any others.

How do I know myself as superficial? Mostly because I don’t like or tend to consider myself so. Of myself I like to think myself deep, and not infrequently even (insert laughter) of some wisdom. I need again, and again, and again to have this folly exposed as over and over and over, as though I know something. How many of my excursions and attitudes are shown for what they are when blowing up too plainly in my face.

And yet this brother, even this brother, in his knowing of what he knew of Jesus the Christ, his following of Jesus Christ, His confession of Jesus Christ…fell at His feet as though dead…when seeing Him as He is.

There is one who reminds, and brings to mind the Lord’s being crucified through weakness, even to the face of one who often is found so foolishly regarding his own strength(s). And I cannot, and dare not deny the over abundance of mercy shown to such a one. Yes, the patience of Jesus Christ, even as Peter wrote in referring to Paul’s letters, cannot but be counted as salvation to those who have seen how very much is availed of it toward them.

And no, it is not for any to demand or even seek to elicit such confessions from any. For any who have such testimony of the Lord’s patience toward themselves will be unable to withhold it, and if any man is not yet convinced of it and his need of such a delightful beholding (the patience of Christ) toward him, God is faithful.

About all or anything that might be said in this regard to any who may doubt…trust me don’t trust me, it is worth all the seeing. Even if the mechanism to reveal the necessity of it seems… well… unpleasant at the first; that is, being shown who is the man most in need of mercy. This finding out one is just a common man. Suffice it to say, the man who does, or thinks he does any or many things right…may not yet see a most valuable treasure purchased in blood for him…and made to that man. That any man.

And, God is faithful.

For it’s a too remarkable gift, this grace and mercy to be seen in Jesus the Lord, for any loving father to withhold. And make display…by all and every means necessary.

It really is such a small step from being the man feeling compelled to “have to be merciful” with what feels an often dread burden to be such, who ekes it out and measures it out (or so he may think) to some success, to being the man in greatest need of seeing mercy. In truth it is such a small step, so small that only the Lord, in His becoming for us the very smallest of the small was ever able to make it. And make it for us, in His becoming that small.

I am not so naive as to not know a some or many will not like such describing…for our Lord is great, and to be confessed as great among us. And indeed He is, nothing doubting. It is indeed great that He left His former estate of all glory to take on flesh and blood because of such were His brothers, and for their sakes, in obedience to His Father. And here as man He humbled Himself (as though just becoming a man were not enough!) making Himself of no reputation in the form of a servant, and was obedient (and not merely so) but specifically to death, and that, a death upon the (once shaming) cross. His steps of descent almost too marvelous to consider. And yet, they can be. As given to us and for us as gift to consider. The grace of our Lord!

And neither am I ignorant of some resistance to the proposal of the common man. For even our brother Paul testifies that in seeking to work out matters of spirit and estate, nothing matters overall but the new creation, saying:

But God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision, but a new creature.

Yes, the new man is entirely different, even in opposition and open hostility to what would be called the old man, so that in reference common man seems unfitting. “O! but the new creature is very special!” one might say. Even too unfitting for what the Lord has accomplished in behalf of His own. It may almost appear a denigration of His work. God forbid.

But it is submitted that it is only the new man that recognizes himself as common man, even a common man. It is the old man, seeing nothing but himself (nor able to) that exalts himself inwardly (and often outwardly) as something special; coveting, loving, and groping for ascent above all the others in attempt to distinguish himself.

He feels seen when seen by others, of note when noted by others, for nothing is more common than for that man to find only impetus to show himself right and as right; being (as is said) with a heart desperately wicked and unknown of and to himself, that remains unknowable. And, no less, who, always and according to his own metrics, finds all his ways right in his own eyes. He needs no help toward “feeling special” or further promoting to it. He is locked to it in knowing only himself, and of himself. And he trusts himself to not lie to himself, or in any way be false to himself in regards to his perceptions of what would be called reality. He, to himself, sees as rightly as can be.

Yet, not only so. Even in those rare moments, perhaps even precipitated by some experience of catastrophe, or some so called epiphany where he may be brought to question his former sight to some measure in the light of this new thing (or grievous error in calculations of what may befall) …he still considers himself right in doing so.

This is of such deep concern for what is called the believer as to not gloss over. He experiences a turn to faith so profound to himself and in himself that shows an overturning of what to him is/was the once was of himself and to himself. Seeing now newly, or at least differently, it remains deeply ingrained that he is now right in doing so. Even so right now, at least as he compares to former estate, that an advantage may be taken of it to a perversion…in the ease (he thinks) of seeing so many others as now remaining in the wrong, and of a lesser estate. Jesus did not warn against the leaven of the Pharisees without knowledge and wisdom. And sight.

We may begin to appreciate not only the too great of depths He plumbed in His descent in being man, and for man endured the plumbing of such depths for a rooting out by His death. But, and no less, the absolute necessity of His doing so. He must be, when this is seen and apprehended, and be known as entering that unspeakable darkness in man no man can know of himself, if He is savior.

This thing of “being right in our own eyes” is too great to be touched by any of us, for even if begun to be made known to us, we may still exalt ourselves for knowing of it. I easily confess for a dread of lying before Him, that I surely have. Oh, yes, there is an unremitting dependency, unrelenting exposure…even faithful uncovering to us of things of ourselves, which are of man, that which, and if apart from His present mercy being ministered, we would surely collapse before. And not merely strengthless to continue in this collapse (though it surely feels so) but with all conviction of a rightness too extreme to deny that “this thing must be set to not continue, there can be no rightness ever, anywhere…in the universe or even beyond if this thing is allowed to continue.” It is all and only what to that extreme merits immediate death. A killing. Even an annihilation. Oh, it is not lost on some of how very extreme this does sound in some depth of self loathing and self condemnation. And to some, no doubt it sounds too counter to even many (what are considered) sound doctrines. “There is now no condemnation…” etc.

But to those who have known it, and know of it, they have seen that deep work.
Paul did. Others have. And some know it, or have come to, where despite the all consuming awfulness of it that seems beyond any recommending, beyond any good work of any that might be done by such exposure or even confession of it as a good work…some declare it as the very good work of Christ. God, through Christ has brought a man to an agreement, at least at, and to, that point…”this thing merits nothing but death…it is even too hideous to behold without its stealing all strength”.

Yes! Yes! Of course! Yes! The deepest darkest admission of a man “about himself” (and a place no man would go, or even could go except as guided by a light) is now too plain. Shown as seen in the eyes of that light from those eyes in which nothing is hidden from sight. Before whom all is made naked and bare, before that “whom” with which we have to do. And we find there, when that touch of mercy is ministered to raise a man from all strengthless-ness and even self condemnation…we have not only been brought to agreement with God as to its necessary full stopping by [a] death, but to a deeper and further convincing of the resurrection. A man is raised.

For if we would judge ourselves (to what extreme? one might ask) we should not be judged with the world.

Paul understood how this “light” manifests in man. What it does (He does) in a man, the any man in Christ. And also, and no less, Paul saw and had dealt with a seeming persuasion that might seek, by taking advantage by a perverse logic, to deny both that light’s work and its origin. And attribute to it, in all of greater wrongness, as the thing it is not.

But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is therefore Christ the minister of sin? God forbid. Gal 2:17

I will neither attempt to explain nor by any attempt at explaining, make this thing more obscure.

Yes, God has given, through Christ and by Christ’s light to judge only one sinner. How thoroughly this judgment given that any man in Christ is exercised is to the extent he has seen Christ’s judgment of and for sin, and His entry into death for it, even in His becoming of it, for, and as revealed, to that any man.

And yes…it is a judgment to death, never less. We may draw back, we may even be tempted to blame the light for the things it uncovers…to which Paul says “God forbid!” And in his having learned and now knowing, Paul was made to press on with a wisdom and understanding of what was taking place in himself, and for which he was needing not some…but all endurance. Something always being put to death in himself and with which he dare not disagree, stating:

So then death worketh in us, but life in you.

Yes, Paul knew His calling, and how effectual it had been made in him, to Christ.

“But who wants death?” one would rightly ask. How could one “sell a thing” from such a place? But Paul knew, because Christ had made known first to him and then in him, this is the way, this is the way of me that I am, death to a self so that life might be at work in others. And yes, Paul was won to it. And it comes no easier to any than it did to Paul, by beholding the most thorough of death ever ministered, that a thing which was a one thing became all of the antithesis of the very thing first was.

He who knew no sin was made sin for us.

The all whom of righteousness, even all righteousness…made to be that all that righteousness is not.

And yes, by grace I am made able to say this, that the rightest thing of all ever done by God for man...felt...more unright in the one undergoing it, than any man might be able to imagine. Which is why God in wisdom has not left for imagination…but even gifted it in and through Christ to only those who have received Him. No man knows the depths of God’s love for His son or as that any man, for that any son that is His and He calls, apart from some knowing of Christ’s descent in His sufferings to win him, that any man.

And there is no way but to take it personally, as only the any man can, and as Paul understood himself to be by his having all his “other” specialness, or things that might be of advantage to count for specialness, as dung. So that in that utmost of having taken Christ…personally, he says

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God,

who loved me, and gave himself for me.

Yes, Paul came to know of which Jesus the Christ walked daily, a purposeful ascent up that hill to an ignominious death of all appearing shame and humiliation.

Yes…”But who wants death?”…much less that death?
(Can’t I even look a little like a hero? At least to myself?)
God have mercy upon us all. Especially if we “claim” that death.

God help me.


It is so (as are all spiritual matters) counterintuitive to all and any manner of carnal/natural thought that only the spirit can lead us through. The man yet desiring to think himself special, or going about so, has not, nor cannot yet appreciate the Lord’s descent to reach man, and especially a man such as he. To pluck out by such descent a man of all commonness, as common as dust itself, that yet in all, not only tends to, but holds with death grip (till a death breaks it) that he is more than mere dust. And that he not only can, but will show himself…that more than. Never knowing dust is assigned its estate unbreakable…but for an intervention.

What can the new man see? Even confess to?

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

Is there, or is there to be any confusing, as to who is what and what is who in that? What grasping at is made known as vain to that vessel or can be, even must be, by that treasure spoken of, and spoken of as held? Any attempts for the dirt to be more manifestly denies, by attempt, the holding of that treasure. Yes! even, yes if it be so.

What is meant? The treasure may indeed lie within, His presence in spirit quick and active to all things, and if He is present (as He is indeed that treasure spoken of) the out working of His glory, as even in His temple, must, and will lead to the man surrendering all vanity shown, if the vessel seeks to be more than it is…the vessel.
It is enough, yes, far more than enough to know oneself as a mere vessel of clay, not unlike any other, if that treasure is revealed as being held.

Ignorance excusable, as always excusable and even paid for in full to such sufficiency and depth that is unplumbable…is yet not to remain. We are not appointed to not knowing, even if and when we are convinced we do not, and of our own selves completely unable to do anything about it. That may even be some attainment, (And O! so wonderful gift of relief!) for a man to come to know (by a great patience taught) he can do nothing about his own ignorance. It could be a very good start for clay to recognize it is not more than clay. God knows.

For how easy it is to have some boast (either inwardly or outwardly, God knows) of being “a vessel of God.” But also how easily a deceiver takes advantage to have us, in a way, deny being earthen, of dust, of dirt…and seek, of itself…to be more than that. Even as in the garden.

And it may well be enough for clay to learn it will never be more nor ever stop attempting…to be more. But, it would have to be informed. And only God knows if that somehow suffices to the new man’s knowing. A simultaneous and now knowing of itself as wanting to be more, while also and in no less measure having presented in plain sight the only man who ever is that more…even the all. The clay might even find the rest from all its own furious attempts…by a death provided to it. For it, and by another. God knows. All attempts at striving to be an anything but what it is…and that by the grace of God.

But yet there is now a whole system, calling itself of God, that would hand out and/or bestow titles coveted, positions, ranks, endorsements, establish an hierarchy, and with like subsystems of such system as offspring, in forever competitions with one another to prove that their “they” are indeed, of God. Appealing to clay to be better clay.

And men are yet gathered to them and seek to gather others, not knowing what scattering is only ever accomplished of, and by dirt. “We have the treasure! Come here!” or “Here is where you must come to hear and learn of the treasure, by all means ‘Let us be the church for you’ “

So much dust cast up in that scattering that it is nothing less than miraculous and indeed gracious if any man be given to see. And it is miraculous this treasure given is/was likewise in the form of dust as we are. He embraced it, He accepted it, along with the necessity of death for it. A death He aimed at, undeterred. Keeping it always in sight as reaching toward it, in His reach of obedience to His Father.

“…for it is for this very hour I have come.”

And He has come to save us from that scattering to the winds and every wind, being blown to and fro. And if we be of Christ, we are appointed to know. To be established.

Even for whatever hour any of us have come.

We may preach, we may study, we may write, we may teach, or shepherd to whatever degree enabled by the grace of God. Prayer never discounted, God forbid.

We may do what we may think (or appears to us) by our own metrics, of much, or little. God knows. All is either done by a strength and power provided, or it is under judgment, and we will find out.

If it is not enough for us that God knows as only God knows, nothing other in all creation, nor beyond (as we might imagine) suffices. For, there is nothing other. Than God’s knowing, and His grace of imparting such…even to an any man.

For the Lord knows those who are His, and none can make of themselves more nor less so. God is not apologizing for anything He makes known, and shown, and our question if not yet satisfactorily answered to us must remain…

“What then is God showing?”

Jesus Christ is alone God’s full measure of His investment into the creation as sufficient to and for all things. By all means, and by whatever grace is made available to that any man called, he may take the measure of that measure of investment made by God. See, what God is showing.

But, if not taken personally, it has not yet begun to be taken.