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In one sense that is almost too bizarre to admit to, seemingly at least among christians, all of my own walk has been nothing less than an argument. And not only so, but most usually if not always, it has been an argument I neither recognized nor knew as taking place. I have been like a man in a fight that does not even know he is in a fight.

That is bizarre no? Wouldn’t a man know when blows are landing upon him, when nose is bloodied, clothes are torn, teeth are missing and bruises abound? One would think so, yes?

But then, you’ve never met anyone as dense as myself. Maybe.

For I have been in an argument I simply cannot win. Even a fight to the death that never seemed so to me, dense as I am. And God knows, as only a god who knows everything would be the true God, could know.

Yes, He knows. Just as He also knows that in regards to myself I am no less, and certainly no more, than all those described by God to Jonah, as not knowing their right hand from their left.

It even took me reading that story (and so many many others) to think I sat with Jonah on that hill above observing, and with him, heard from God just as he had.

Yes, like a mediator I sat, understanding, or so I thought, all of Jonah’s thoughts, feelings, and points in regards to mercy shown a once great enemy of his and that God. “Yeah, Jonah,” I proffered “I sure understand, I get it…how that it just doesn’t feel right, folks who have been such an enemy end up with mercy…and that even from the hand of that God they appeared most hostile to…yeah, I really do get it” “After all,” I continued, “He was your God and not theirs”.

And, no less a mediator (or thinking myself one) I commended God for His saying. “Yep, people can sure be as stupid as not knowing their right hand from left, I sure know that too, God!” (wink wink) “And I really think it’s cool you didn’t fail to mention the cattle also, good call, it really shows how merciful you are even to dumb animals” And no less, “How you really do care for all of your creation in your sovereignty, cause didn’t even Jesus say ‘preach the gospel to all creation’?” Cool, God.

Yep, I surely could reconcile things, being such a good reconcilor. Who’d wanna fight with a guy like that, anyway…and further, not even let him know he was in a fight? After all, I understood Noah and his point of view, and got God’s, too. Even at how stupid and dense people can be…I mean…where’s the fight?

“Ain’t I allowed to agree with you, God?”

But even the densest and most oblivious of us, maybe like me, (or just me) eventually can be woken up a bit, and to certain things. Maybe it’s a limping too undeniable, or a loss of strength too profound to go unnoticed, or maybe it’s just blood…there’s too much blood, so much blood, something may even be wrong or need attention.
Yeah, the blood’s calling for attention.

And, I awoke to the argument.

It has been this from a peculiarly dense and oblivious man…a man so unstable and ignorant as fully fitting one not knowing his right from left, up from down, right from wrong, good from evil. Even a man who started that fight in his staggering, crashing into things he couldn’t see in his blurred vision, and thinking he was walking quite uprightly as drunks so often do, mistakenly.

“Really, I’m sober as a judge officer…”

Sober as a judge.

“Then tell me why you ran over those 8 people back there…”

I flunked my sobriety test. And had to know why.

You know something? A drunk will take on most everything and anybody…and this drunk was stupid enough to take on the God of all creation. Yep. Didn’t I tell you you probably haven’t met anyone like me?

But when the records came up, all too clear and too perfectly ordered to deny, even of attitudes, inner dispositions, even unspoken senses of things so hidden (or so I thought ), but now being made clear, even too clear and were presented against words spoken and deeds done…and the great irresolvable gulf between them made more than plain…BOOM!…snagged, caught, apprehended, nailed (who’d a thought He could see so deeply?) there they all were, testifying of a mercurial man, an unstable man, a hostile and pugnacious man, a drunkard throwing punches he didn’t even know he was throwing.

“Listen” said the magistrate, the judge. “Listen,” he continued “Son you got attitudes you don’t even know you got” He was being very folksy and even gentle, and it had not gone unnoticed He said, son. Was he just being patronizing, feigning a kindness? But in this setting something gripped me that I dare not say “Hey you ain’t my dad, so stop calling me son” No, this court had sobered me enough to know not to do that. That could lead to a sentence, if uttering that sentence, I dare not even consider.
Sometimes a man may just get…sober. It’s a miracle!

But he laid it out, and if I say laid it “all” out, I could definitely be wrong for I didn’t know how much more He might have to show…in fact, I never do. But what He had for this moment, He did indeed, lay out. And He is meticulous in His sight of things, and quite scrupulous to all details that His apprehension of things is undeniable. This judge…really sees. I mean, really.

“You’ve been fighting with me when I have no fight with you” He said. Boy, did that ever sting, but not as badly as one might suppose…for the hearing of “I have no fight with you”…sort of eclipsed all else that might seem unwelcome to experience…it was far better to know that…even at any cost, and hear that, even at whatever sting attendant might accompany. No, so far better that even the first pang of that sting…left. But I can’t deny, at first there was a sting. I was the man. I am “that guy”.

And then He laid it out. And man did it testify of a great instability, drunk doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Here was where, from some place unknown to me, some place too deep to be known to me…yet of me, and so undeniably so I can’t deny, came a “this”:

See here? You believe enough in salvation to…well…believe it. But there’s this little thing a’niggling underneath of that, a thing in a place it shouldn’t be and can’t remain, that has to be exposed to light.

Your idea of salvation, which you can’t look beyond by yourself doesn’t even let you see it, you even think the ripples caused by that niggling underneath, is part and parcel of the salvation you see, but once it’s dealt with that notion of salvation (or at least your perception of it) will be able to settle at least one level of depth that the occupation by that niggling thing once occupied. And you’ve been arguing with God as a result of that “thing”.

You been laboring under some notion God could be mistaken. You don’t think you think that way, don’t even want to think you may think that way. And you surely have put out a lot of words to say that that notion is totally untrue, You believe yourself convinced and convincing of others by the words.

But, the truth is, and you know it, and now that cards are on the table, so much has come from your trying to prove a thing you say is undeniable…that God made no mistake in saving…you. Which has of course, even by argument, left a door open to God possibly being in mistake. And of course, you couldn’t see that, or even imagine that was what you were doing…but God knows the why.

Because you see yourself…or at least you are totally convinced you believe you do. And what you see is so far from the God you think you see that you can’t help yourself from wondering…this and that reconciled? And you set out trying to prove God makes no mistakes, but in that deep level, you still can’t grasp the squaring of things between yourself and that God of whom, and to whom, salvation really means. You mostly, in that deep place where you believe your salvation lies, have a very hard time believing it is “for you”.

And so working comes as a result of your trying to prove, not to others, but to the very God of that salvation (for this is far deeper than can be apprehended or proved to another onlooking man) that: “See, you didn’t make a mistake in saving me”.
Yes, you are telling God, or seeking to, trying to, “You God, did not make a mistake…see?” See what I am doing? See?

And all born out of a proposition that mistake is and was possible…but just…not made.

Of course you don’t know it or see it till you do. You can’t even want or have any desire to think about it…till you can’t not think about it. Have I held God as in some possibility of mistake…simply because I can’t yet square things? Trying to prove Him all the while as the God for whom mistake is not even of His vocabulary for, or of, Himself…I go (or even others!?) about in all mistake.

Trust me don’t trust me, Paul went there.

And of course those heady moments (O! so heady!) by which the man may be brought to see that instability, that mercurialness…(when he is allowed to)… of when thinking he has nailed it spot on, so wonderfully in either word or deed, so that almost with a wink toward God for the rightness of a perfection he thinks he has achieved…in some labor, some deed, some speaking, almost in all forgetting of any former misgivings as mentioned above…the shout goes up from deep within:

Not “See? You have made no mistake!”…

But “See? No wonder you have saved one as me!”

Of course this may just be me. And I have already said maybe you have never met anyone like me. Maybe.

Salvation is so far deeper than any of those estates, and cannot be settled even one level lower in a man for establishment till all niggling things beneath be exposed to light. And I can’t deny I might be the last to the party who has only begun to see a god who is even that true God of neither shame nor pride.

Not ashamed to save (or of whom He saves) and not proud that He does.
He just…is who He is.

I have seen pride that is inexorably locked to shame. I have seen shame that locks itself to a pride. A pride that speaks. Even inwardly:

“I (I!I!I!) should have known better than to come to this place of shame”

But…I can know no better. Never could. Still can’t know better than I do.

Do you hear a something?

“Forgive them Father, they know not what they do”

Trust me don’t trust me, the sting of finding out you don’t know what you are doing is so eclipsed by the sight of mercy asked for there…a man daren’t miss it…even at the cost of being right. Or thinking he is. Or would even like (love?) to think he knows what he is doing.

But that may…just be me. God knows.
And that may just be God. God knows. That so called being right is only in coming to know how very much mercy one needs, and is made there, for all their wrongness.
It is so much more comfortable to think, act, speak, even behave (till one cannot any longer) in terms of how much others need mercy. And if you need to wake a drunk, make him uncomfortable.

God knows.

And obviously some of the above is just metaphor, or parable, or just plain vain imagination. God knows.

I’m still asking, seeking, knocking to see how all squares. How He squares what only He can.

How he is…how He is.

Till then I don’t know no better.

Someone said:

“What I am doing, you do not understand now, but you will understand later.”

As surely as I am in total need to learn what every jot and tittle may mean, much less all that blood, so much blood…I am no less in all dependence to know when later is. And means.

Without a doubt, these few pages written about an apostle who knew why, have generally focused on Paul. It could easily appear a writer is seeking to exalt him, perhaps idolize him, in some sense. Though an assurance may be offered that this is not the case by any means, it is easily understood how this could appear so.

Certain writings have been specified, even selected out for inclusion in what we call the scriptures (for our edification). Is it not true that of those collected and assembled as what is called the new testament, none other assembled group of writings give us as much insight and plain exposition of what a man experienced in himself, and declared by himself of himself, of what such a man pursuing the Lord experiences and had experienced? Paul is rich in his letters of not only what he experienced as though outwardly, but inwardly as well. Really, none other does that.

But is it not as though this adds to any legitimacy over any other letters or the gospels, God forbid. And if taken as such an extreme example of a man’s recounting of, and with much self inclusion, it might just as easily be said by any so disposed, “This man talks too much about himself”.

Yet even in all that, and if it were to be said, just think for a brief moment of all the riches presented in those writings, with mentions of self notwithstanding. How much of doctrine we accept, prescriptions of conduct as the household of God (and for when we come together as such), how much of encouragement is found not exempting healthy reproofs and rebuke, how much is relied upon so to speak, as true. But the man did neither spare himself his baring of soul, nor his own particular attentions to what is going on with him as said before, including warts and all. He is a Jew of Jews, after all.

What does that mean, “He is a Jew of Jews, after all?” Consider. Or, to keep it more scriptural, a Hebrew of Hebrews.

Consider especially the scriptures to which he often referred, as what is to us called the “Old Testament” even as what any Jew, even today, would call the scriptures. What his, or any Jew’s view of them may be in particular, from Genesis to Malachi they are accepted as the scriptures of the Jews, and for the Jews…even if not seeing their overall and beneficial applicability for all people for all of time. And surely Jesus never saw them as anything less. But it does take new eyes to see this.

But the point is this, assembled together, and read without preconceived notion or bias (is that possible? Nevertheless, I posit) they are indeed a warts and all recounting, if taken as they are, of a people whose history is rife with wrong turns, vanities and often base motives, stiffneckedness, hard headedness, with abundant internecine strivings and consequences.

Terrible and vicious leaders who resist the God often mentioned, are spiteful and unjust and in many ways worse toward each other than the oft mentioned enemies who reject their God. One might even say to such a Jew, even today, if commended to their scriptures, their writings… “Are you sure you want these to speak for you?” Or, “I just have to ask, if you don’t mind, are you a Moses Jew or a Korah Jew, a David Jew or a Saul sort of Jew (David’s own warts and all, notwithstanding), an Elijah kinda Jew or an Ahab/Jezebel sort of Jew, a Hezekiah or a Manasseh?”

Yes, if there’s any warts and all history of a people, compounded and assembled as their scriptures, their writings and history to which they look as both guide and for guidance, concluding them to be God inspired, I know of no other like it. Ahh, and if there’s any stand as might be taken of superiority for such, as having been delivered to them (or us, no less, “christians” in all we have and claim) in the giving and reception…it is never too far beyond mention…”Oh yeah, you are the people who give your own prophets such a hard time, and not infrequently kill them”. So much for any self exalting. So much for any innate wisdom and farsightedness.

And I am persuaded Saul cum Paul, who now read with spirit’s light, understanding and insight, even a farsightedness far beyond his natural brothers of his day (after whom he longed, deeply) yet as a Jew always, knew unless warts and all, of a people telling on themselves while seeking to exalt a God unseen, even the God of all creation, that God could not and would not endorse as true.

The Lord doesn’t much like only the flattering or appealing part of things, told.

The same light by which God may be made to be seen of man, and by a man, must always, and cannot but always, also show man of his true estate. Needy? Yes. Subject to perfidy? Of course. Mercurial and unstable in all his own ways? Who doubts? With a heart desperately wicked beyond knowing? Too right. Proud? Arrogant? Boastful? Even murderous? But the glory as always is, and must also and always remain if their be any honest telling of having seen that God unseen, is that to such, He causes Himself to appear…even to a saving born of the deepest of mercy. It is mercy that God allows man to see Him.

And Paul, once Saul, found out he truly was a real Jew…of the faith of Abraham, once Abram, called out from all he once knew, understood as his own, from all of milieu once familiar and common to himself, and to walk in a way “he knew not”. Which is and was, not only new to him, but indeed, is, for all called by the Lord’s name. Newness of life, is always…new. And in such light, this new man Paul, when discovering those mechanisms, traps, inherent pitfalls in both their lurking and successes at snaring of the old man, knew much.

How pride so easily takes advantage, how a seeming piety is all of false, how cleaning the outside of the cup is vain and even harmful to others, this he all came to see too well (if “too” might be used) and was never without a likewise impetus to show himself as no different than any other…even if some they were yet practicing under a deceit of such base and worldly motive. He couldn’t (and wouldn’t) tell of true, apart from telling on himself.

He understood the trap set as once set. How that man in all desperate need, weakness, fears, in all wickedness of sin and its shaming…would reach out of himself to hide such. How he could lay hold of pride, boastfulness, self exalting, some form of godliness for covering.

But what did he find of better, no, not better, incomparable glory when stripped of these things by Christ as they were exposed as weak and beggarly, of a poverty beyond describing, of a fetidness beyond description?

The only covering sufficient. Sufficient and exceeding of all sufficiency for man in his nakedness before his Creator. His Lord, His (God’s) Christ, made for him to not only be that very all which afflicts and condemns (He became sin for him as Paul took things very personally, yet not excluding us all), but far more. Paul found that place of shame removed, where once weakness and weaknesses that were diligently to be kept under wraps and hidden from one another…but where he rather boasted in them! He was no longer ashamed of the frailty of man, by which he was also once taken advantage of by an evil abettor to all sorts of mischief.

Yes, he, Paul, surely saw His Lord in all truth of spirit, but not and never apart from those particular revelations of things that inhibit, would hide from sight, cause a stumbling, would and could be used to dissuade a man from looking into the light of Christ, so that he would say:

Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.

“For we are not ignorant of his devices”. His schemes. His seeking to take advantage of matters now made fit, and fit only, for submission to the Christ of God. Submit weaknesses to Him, in truth. Submit, when found and seen, the confession of sin to Him. Submit all, and especially that all and anything that would (and did once) tend to a shaming for hiding…BRING IT ALL INTO THE LIGHT! And don’t play games with one another seeking to appear more than you are. There is a seeing eye. And the judge is near, even at the door. And if there be fears…know the terror of the Lord and be persuaded, even that all…is due only Him!

I have known some, if not many, even in Christ, with some outward boast of being fearless, or wanting to make some show of it. And without doubt, and in ignorance, have not known themselves (nor God for that matter) to such measure as what can come upon them…in all that ignorance. And boasting. A man just like me. No, beyond that…not like me… but me. Therefore I really have no place to even mention…the “others” I have found. But, I too, am of a company, even if any might prefer my exclusion.

And it is not to promulgate fear as a savory or even righteous estate or even extol it. But there is the fear of the Lord, nevertheless. And if any, even as I once understood, and some many that may still say it means a reverential awe (with which I do not disagree), there can be an unwholesome reduction of “it” (the fear of the Lord) that to me at least, seems most often un-sensed or unseen. When I read these words, and correct my senses as need be, I come away with something a bit more? different? than just a sense of reverential awe being suggested or declared:

but I will show to you, whom ye may fear; Fear him who, after the killing, is having authority to cast to the gehenna; yes, I say to you, Fear ye Him. (Young’s Literal for clarity and accuracy)

Or, if taking the more familiar, perhaps:

But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him. (KJV)

“I say unto you, Fear him”

That reiterating is not vain. But necessary. Jesus is not unaware of how we may make of things to be things they are not. Even in many cases, reduce them. And God forbid I say that full reverential awe and attention are less than is implied, I am simply unconvinced that cannot be entered at all, apart from, or if losing, or denying that sense of…terror.

To Paul again:

“Knowing the terror of the Lord, we persuade men” KJV, while others use “fear of the Lord”

A question might be…did Paul know “it”, the terror/fear of the Lord of which he speaks, using this word φόβον (phobon) from which we derive phobia?

It may well be that Paul, as learning in Christ and from Christ, that barring all else, even including all else…a man will always and only pay the utmost attention to what grips him with greatest fear. And that this too, even as weakness(es), shame(s), doubts, even sins are to be submitted to to the Lord…even to a liberty from, a resolution of, this thing of utmost of concern…even most dread fear, is/are to be submitted only to Him for resolution, and then perhaps right and reverential awe may indeed follow.

Perhaps it is that oddly a thing (or anything for that matter) that seems to call for most (or any) attention must be surrendered to Him who is worthy of all attention…and then they are resolved. But, if any can receive it, attention and worship can hardly be separated, even if not commonly equated. Nor understood.

Likewise when considering “the fear of the Lord”, or if considering to rightly apprehend it, we have others speaking.

“But the Lord of hosts, him you shall regard as holy; let him be your fear, and let him be your dread” Is 8:13

Not merely in this is a “thing” called fear rendered, but to have right identity… “let him be your fear, and let him be your dread” He is to be (our God, both our fear, and our dread)

Beyond these plain matters, if considered, as I am persuaded they must be, only in Christ can be resolved such things. There is provided a very effective way of God, being Christ Himself, to whom alone any and all such only seeming paradox are to be submitted, and from and in Him alone, are resolved.
Questions of “How can I love what I fear, am even terrorized by?” are not unworthy.
Or “Shouldn’t I love God as a Father more than I fear Him” no less. Surely good questions…for asking, seeking, knocking.

But if, just if Paul can be counted as faithful, and knows something of God, and knows no less, something of man, (if you doubt read his sweeping statements of the estate of all men, he was not timid to make them) then he might also understand our (man’s) tendency toward a reduction of matters to our convenience and comforts. Things seemingly easier to live with. Even all tendency to “smooth over” things that raise inner conflict (even) of necessity, that we prefer not resolved…or shelved…for fear of knowing that cost.

But then…Paul faced a conflict we may rarely consider of ourselves, as in our seeming 2000 year post appraisal of Christ and His cross. Messiah crucified…lifted up to all shame of man, scorn of man, and by such a heinous device as he knew to well spoke of a something he, in all his prior wisdom and understanding was too unbearable to consider…but of which, if we only blithely confess in rote repetitions, never grasp the beyond profound implications….”cursed is everyone that hangs upon a tree”. Messiah…made a curse? Yet…this is where Saul cum Paul…started. We, at least many of us, have yet to come to that. Is that harsh or wrong judgment? God knows.

Before we can stop being Pharisees, or even take warning about them, we may have to first be of them. And if we may think within ourselves we are immune to such tendencies…well…then the Lord’s warnings were vain, no? Or was that…only for a them? Be careful if thinking or saying that, for then how many other things, even promises…given to that them…will you also find you are casting aside?

I like context, too. And I like/am persuade/am overjoyed that God has made Jesus His Christ to be of all context, for all time, to each and every man who ever was, and is, and ever shall be. And that all of creation, and yes, even things of heaven, have been made in all, subject to Him.

Beware of not being contextual to Him.

The apostle who knew why. He also grasped quite a bit of the how of it if one believes him faithful and true to his Lord, and well beyond caring about how he himself appeared in doing so. Perhaps one might even come to believe he actually did as he said…gloried in the cross of Christ…sought to know nothing whilst among the church yet in the earth but Christ, and him crucified.

Yeah, that was a biggie for him, having never gotten over that truth that so turned all his theology and wisdom on its ear. Thanks be to God we have the record of a man who never got over that. All his study, all his piety in practice, all his seeming devotion to what was shown to be no more than his own imaginations of how things are, overturned and more…shown as offal, as dung. God’s Christ, the Messiah of all hope for ages, Moshiach himself submitting Himself to the ungodly in all ungodliness of intent, because He saw another intent, and submitted to Him in all obedience, as so far overarching all the wickedness of men’s hands and intents…that He is even able to deliver them from such wickedness. To even begin to see, aright.

And Paul knew that that He, had done that thing…for him. (Paul took things very personally) “…who loved me, and gave himself for me…”

Maybe it’s less wonder…he gloried. And maybe that’s also why he just couldn’t avoid being so personal in his writings.

Ooh, Paul, your leaking onto the pages! Don’t you know where these writings are going to end up? Ha ha ha ha ha

Nevertheless “But I am what I am by the grace of God”.

Paul, for all his seeming staunchness, his oft attributed lack of seeming tact and/or too directness…even to this day some remark of his apparent inflexibility that seems to bleed through, really, is all and only due to disregard, even discomfit, in being dealt with…so very personally. He hits that mark, seeing past all the posing and posturing, all the easy hypocrisy adopted as men shuffle for position and title, the sectarianism born not of honor or a desire for preserving truth, but corrupting it by falling to false and weak gods of self preferences.

How, though, how did he hit the mark so well, so often, so accurately? Because it had been hit…in him. He suffered it to be hit in himself. He allowed…even finding all of futility in any form of resistance that might be adopted…or even promoted. Broke down, bereft of all but Christ, and desiring to be so “that I may know Him…” he recounted how such, now counted as dung, once appeared as advantage to himself. So that broken down to what he was broken up to he would write:

For we can do nothing against the truth, but for it.

And he told us he knew the why. Have you heard it? I’m convinced you have read it.
I’m convinced you too have had wonderings about “whys”. Why don’t others see as I see? Why does the gospel take root in some but seemingly not in others? Why is it that my most plain efforts to share such good news more often (or just perhaps too often) seem to fall on deaf ears? Am I doing something wrong, perhaps…not seeing nor understanding as rightly as I imagine I do?

Why do some believe, and some don’t? And perhaps ultimately as distilled down eventually, or even in the mix somewhere, might come “why do I believe what I do believe of Jesus Christ?” even regardless of others. This question is especially worthy when coupled with, “and what do I really believe about Jesus Christ?” Sometimes, and maybe most often, these come in the wine press. When it is very important to sort out things of life and death. When things seemingly making themselves pressingly real (like life and death) squeeze a man to consider what he knows in the face of them. What he can hold…going in. What will…make it through…and in? What do…I know?

But then, maybe you haven’t. Maybe all your asking, seeking, knocking is led otherwise, God knows.

But Paul said he knew the why. At least as far as he himself was concerned in being granted salvation by the grace of God. And though he endorsed this as worthy and worthy of all acceptance, he also knew (apostles seem to know things) that he could never force it to acceptance, but that didn’t deter him from his recommendation of it for all acceptance. He knew he had no dominion over any man’s faith. He was glad to be a helper of their (even our?) joy.

And perhaps then, if looked at in that way, Paul seeking to be a helper of joy…some other vagabond soul who believes Paul faithful, might seek to work out in Christ how such a thing…even such a thing that seems almost ludicrous to state, along with commending it to worthy acceptance could be so…and could really be…to joy.

What he says, he says here:

This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief.

This is a faithful (is it faith full?) saying, and worthy of all (really, all?) acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief. (Come on Paul, what are you saying you premier apostle you! We been poring over your stuff for thousands of years trying to glean) Do you really want us to raise our hands at Sunday school and say “Paul” when asked “who was the chief sinner?” by the teacher? Is that what you mean? Ha ha ha ha ha (Do I laugh too much?)

But now to the why. At least the ultimate of why’s as far as he was concerned, when concerned, personally. The why of why he got to talk so unrelentingly about the love of God and the mercy and grace found only in Jesus Christ. The why of why he was called, the why of why what he was called to, he was called to. The why of why he faithfully ministered in that calling, and no less, live in it and by it.

Howbeit for this cause I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might shew forth all longsuffering, for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on him to life everlasting.

Howbeit for this cause…

This is the because of it…the why of it. The cause of his obtaining mercy even as the chiefest of sinners. Christ saving a vessel in which He could especially, and specifically show forth His patience and longsuffering.

(Gee, Paul, you sure it wasn’t because you could be such a brilliant expositor? After all, you are regarded as a very smart man. And you did write a lot of deep stuff in a deep way, and that probably helped Jesus a lot with His message)

Go ahead, ask or think that if you think heaven needs more laughter.

A pattern he surely knew he could not impose, because he had not chosen it himself, and he had no power over it to impose it. But as a helper of joy he understood. He before had already come to that place of understanding in regards to certain matters he knew as true, but were still up for question to some or the “otherwise minded”. God is able to show, as only God is able to show.

But for those who believed in Christ, and no less believed Paul called of Christ as a wise master builder laying a firm and true foundation…there really is no choice, right? Because if he lies here, where else may error be found?

A pattern. A pattern to be understood amongst those who received of Paul as having received of God, through Christ.

for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on him to life everlasting.

I think “the” we are in that hereafter. Or of that hereafter.
Do we accept the pattern? God knows.

Even as to (can it be so?) knowing this also “why” of ourselves?

Chosen not for what we might do (though we might do things), chosen not for what we might learn (though we might learn things), chosen not for what we might attain or attain to (though we might attain and attain to things)…but chosen, if we believe the pattern…as “just” a vessel by which Jesus Christ might demonstrate all longsufferinng and patience (with).

Is that too much? Still too easy to think or talk about what one has done in the Lord as for the Lord? Still too easy to think of matters learned and ready with a distribution from pulpits or lecterns or daises…and more fun to do so? Or, in some cases just too ready to lay out thoughts on WordPress.com? God knows.

But maybe not as ready to see or then admit who one knows is the real chiefest of sinners in requirement of the utmost of mercy…and longsuffering patience to make it through? Not because he has gotten anything or even near anything right ever or at all, with nothing to show…but a single hope in the God who is full of mercy to the very weakest, even less than the least of all?

Who’d a thunk joy would come packaged so? And no less, be so obvious as to require a lot of work to miss it? I used to suffer some (maybe even a lot) from what is commonly called imposter syndrome. Christ has taken the load of all posing and trying to fit, or even caring if one seems to sense that necessity.

A liar trying to tell the truth may have the most unbearable burden of all. It’s a lot of work.

And, we can do nothing against the truth, but for it.

I think I’d be something of a liar if I tried to tell you how much of mercy and patience with me I have needed and how much has been shown. For those would be only times…I know.

How often (O, God, when have I not?) even thought myself…right.

The Christ of God? Crucified?

Really?

Looks to me like Paul was not ashamed to join Him there…and glad, and gloried in it.

But, is that just me?

He sure is a helper of joy.

Oh, look, Paul has bled through, too.

I can only surmise it is because he chose not to hide himself from his own flesh.

Or better, was chosen to.

The body is all of One.

If we are able to answer the question posited at the end of the previous offering with a “yes”, that is that we do find Paul a reliable witness, a reliable expounder of those revelations received and, that for as much as we are able to discern, a sincere seeker of the Lord and a worthy instructor; it sorta behooves us to pay attention.

We can leave off, or at least I can and will, where we find his writings, as bound together impressively in what we call the Bible, The Book. We can also forgo speculations of whether or not Paul had any inkling as he wrote that his words would be found leather bound in the same volume(s) that contained Isaiah, Jeremiah, (and all the prophets) the Torah, the Psalms, etc. And that his words, by a many confessing, would be approached as having equal weight and credibility to those scriptures of which he knew well and labored in for light. If to any this appears scandalous, even heretical, that’s fine.

It’s been made plain, even by Paul himself (if we do concede to him as being faithful and his writings faithfully maintained) that he held himself of little general, or overall authority, while not denying the authority he did have. “If I be not an apostle to others…” he wrote to those he recognized as in his particular care, while reaffirming to them, “doubtless I am to you…”.

No, there is nothing that indicates, in either demeanor or writing that Paul thought himself writing as to all, and for all time. That he understood apostles and prophets as given in the church and having some foundational work necessary and constraining to lay no foundation but the Christ of God, he no less confessed to having no dominion over any man’s faith.

That God may have kept such from him, that in “ages hence” he would be looked upon with an esteem that at the time could have been a stumbling block to him, (and many other of the writers, perhaps all) might be attributed to the wisdom of God, God knows. For doubtless today his authority is accepted as the authority (or at least confessed so) in regards to many matters of the faith, church order and orderliness, plumber of deep mysteries that we may mouth blithely, and in all, not merely a faithful witness of God’s Christ, Jesus the Lord, but (and no less) also a faithful witness to his own weaknesses and even once being a blasphemer.

It very much appears that as diligent as he labors to deliver revelations he is no less occupied, nor ashamed of showing himself, as some might say, warts and all. He is, to an extent remarkable, even rare among the many other writers to show himself as most common of man, but with an assurance of Christ’s uncommon devotion and mercy that is, and makes all the difference. And consumes all that would otherwise be a shame to a man.

The all of light so far eclipsing anything that might remain, or even be mentioned, of darkness. All else besides Christ that might, even for a time seem to be, or seek to be of some significance; is to him, totally swallowed of light.
For him, from him and his writings, in him and his labors, there is nothing else to consider. If one cares to disagree with this estimation of Paul as being one seen as he is, then each shall answer for their own sight. This is not said in despite or any veiling of hostility, for I am no less subject to being judged of an inordinate affection and/or a presumption as might appear.

God forbid any idolize our brother Paul who is man, no more nor less than we ourselves. But we either see, as we are to see (is that presumption? God knows) even as amongst one another, a man who is what he is by the grace of God alone, or not. And if one is given to understand and see according to that grace, I am more than convinced few have as strenuously and doggedly sought to uphold, at least as we have record, (for God knows) that grace of Christ as appointed to be appreciated, extolled, in all ways relished and delighted in to our good, as this brother, Paul.

It took him far. (If it may not be an insult to refer to as it, this grace of God in Christ)

And if we, as mutually claiming such grace of God as to ourselves by our confession of Jesus Christ as Lord are, even in any way amazed to a remarking of that man’s labors and efforts as superior, let us not forget. That even in his note of them as such of which he was not unaware (for he did know what he had been through) he was caught mid sentence. Caught. Stopped. Apprehended to correction by the Teacher.
Even to the attributing of a power resident in this grace to propel and motivate that he dare not take to himself, God forbid. And, no less, grace also apprehends to discipline, correction, and rebuke as need be:

But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.

There is “yet not I” again. Yet not I.
It was God’s grace…at work.

What an I was ready to, and even started to attribute to that I of one’s self…called for an intervention. No disciple is unaware unless he be most novice. How quickly we hear and receive the correction is to that measure of maturity measured to us. But it is there for all of us just as it was no less for Paul. The moment we begin to think or express to any lengths what we have done of service, what we might take credit for, that upon that of us we might take a stand…be sure a call is issued. The yet not I will bear no unattended expression with the I of self.

But this is only known, and only can be, by those in relationship. And the growings (and groanings) in that relationship, that communion established whose depths are to be plumbed, teaches many things. Some things, if not many things utterly unbearable to any and all apart from that grace. But of such things, and even with such things once utterly unbearable and beyond admission apart from that grace, comes an ease.

The new man has no qualms in exposing the old man, even if from all perspective but the Lord’s, it is what must appear a shame to all others. The old man, with no knowledge of the new man obviously cannot display him, but also and more to the point, the old man even hides from himself as to remain…hidden. The heart that is desperately wicked, as described, has no interest, no, far beyond that, has no light at all to even see or plumb itself. What light it has is such that… “all things are right in its own eyes”.

But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!

Would it be too much for any to bear that Satan himself, full of darkness…might not at all see himself as scheming, in hand rubbing glee of all the evil and mischief in which he delights[sic] and he plans, but rather see himself as a “pretty good” form of person (though spirit)? Is that too much?

It takes light to see evil, it takes light and experience of having senses exercised to discern (as the scripture says) good from evil. No, evil cannot know itself (and therefore any other) if understood as all of darkness and lie. Yes, it may know torment and pain, and even seek the escape from it (for light is a torment to the darkness) but as to any knowing in understanding of estates…it is void. And so therefore, if light be in one he finds now the forbidding of lie, and if light be in one of Christ, it is not long before one learns the most significant target (to him) of all his own lies, has been his own self.

(Too much?)

I am convinced we shall see and know.

If we find ourselves, or rather, when we find ourselves in this life of wonder which is ours in Christ; we eventually come to that place of having far more questions than ready answers. This surely seems most counterintuitive, for it is more easily assumed that the greater of seeming progress in a thing this would not be so. But it is precisely there that things oft repeated or casually known begin to shine of our Lord’s words. Particularly “ask, seek, knock”, delivered as instruction, but not without inherent promise made.

And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Our desire to be knowers is never thwarted, but always in Christ rightly directed. Where once the knowing of “things” quite sufficed, and was fit for our parading (which we might admit we did so love) the coming to know a person (what is the call?) is far different. There are marks of love(rs) that distinguish from the merely curious gatherer of information. And, as being treasured of lovers, they are often not easily seen. But they will be there.

And our Lord has already been marked, for us. The how and to what depth such marking are in that One who bore His soul to death in obedience and for our sakes, are at once compelling (for any called to see), yet also speak of an unplumbable depth. And this compelling is never without the greatest of eternal benefit to the one exercised by it. For the depths of those marks are the measure of His love. And no one who ever undertakes, is compelled, is even forced to see or explore the depths of that matter, is ever disappointed. No wonder…our wonder grows…and does not diminish as natural intuition might dictate. And, as we mark the marks, we ourselves are marked. He alone is not penurious in the sharing of His deepest trove of treasure that quite naturally all others would hoard to themselves, as only for themselves.

We may lick our own wounds with a self love in a hidden place; He bares to, and shares with, His…to those He loves. Even in the uncovering of all we would naturally esteem weakness.

And a change occurs.

For Christ Himself accounts as few who find, that indeed do find. Continuing in His word is not a hard thing, it is an all of an impossible thing to the man of meat (carnal) alone. And even so, what is of that carnal (meat) mind must either be changed (renewed/re-newed) or in all frustration, stopped in its tracks.

For as many as there may be, and God knows precisely how many there are, who may blithely repeat a thing as though knowing is demonstrated by some rote repetition; and by such repetition seek only to imply (or impress) to others he possesses that understanding; he has not yet considered.

Most particularly, perhaps even exquisitely in all exclusivity (to the meat mind) of how “that a thing that is not only ‘all of one thing’, but is the very substance in all expression of that thing, is made to be (not merely opposed to, but) all of that also full substance of a thing that it is not.”

For in the natural we work by differentiation, and definitions, even oppositions, so that such and such a thing is this, and such and such a thing is that…each having to abide by the assigning of what they are, no matter how many of similarities other they may share.

A rock is never a peach. The peach may be round, the rock may be round. The peach may be smooth, the rock may be smooth. They might each weigh 1/2 pound. And in some instances may even share something of coloring. Nevertheless, the rock is never peach, nor peach, rock.

Yet we say this, (following) as though with repeating we imply understanding of a “transaction” with (perhaps) little consideration of the magnitude of the thing we are saying (God help us!)

For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin;

The all that is of the very substance of all righteousness was made to be in very all, that all that is unrighteousness.

It is far more, how exceedingly more, than turning peach to stone or vice versa. In any consideration, reduced to whatever level one cares to; even peach and stone share excessively common characteristics, of nature and composition.

But if, in speaking of Christ’s case such can never be found of any approximation of sin and righteousness; for each are in truth, not merely opposed, but by very nature the all that the other is not. The peach and stone (even if could be turned) would share so many similarities incontrovertible, that on most fundamental level they would already be described and defined as close, having mass, made up of atoms…etc. Nevertheless, we all know teeth might well be broken in mistake upon that reliance.

How much more then is, and must be broken, even will be broken when we consider the eating of that truth…

He who knew no sin was made to be (not ‘like’ sin, not even a sinner, not “close” to sin, but) sin…(itself)…for us…

This is what is called a hard stop to all that is appointed (and by God’s assigned necessity alone) to all of hard stop. An apostle understood this hard stop in concluding:

for the love of the Christ doth constrain us, having judged thus: that if one for all died, then the whole died, 2 Cor 5:14 (Young’s Literal for clarity)

Death is that hard stop. Nothing only of meat enters here, and everything of mind of meat is not only prohibited, but quite summarily and fully, excluded. Even to its own necessary frustration…to death. And so it is only the man of spirit (or spiritual man) who is able to believe, see, accept…that he is a dead man, made alive. If this is let slip without intervention or interruption, the whole is in cascade to the abyss.

Now therefore, having a Lord who “ever lives to make intercession for us” (for His own) cannot ever be casually understood as by His own as less than salvation. The man thinking he preserves himself, must and will, take his place as absent from that assembly casting their crowns at His feet. Or such as of that mind will find that hard stop.

Yes, the Lord is sitting in all peace and fully established assurance insurmountable, and no less, working. And to put a fine point to it, there are minds dying to be renewed (accounted as already dead in truth), and there are marks upon them, and fragrance to them.
The truth scourges them to a life too marvelous to apprehend in former mind, while re-newed mind assures them of the power in Christ’s resurrection. Being in all contradiction inexplicable, yet even in experience of being both dead and alive. The natural mind alone never knows nor can, it is dead, nor can see life. The man of spirit is able to both behold the dead, and know the alive. And it is because of such life as in Christ, that with Christ is said “I was dead and am now alive”

Or, as this apostle wrote

I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ lives in me…

And learning of that “I” that is “yet not I” is the only way assigned man to know life.
And only by life can a man even know what man is, or even whom he himself is.

If any can receive it, or even begin to appreciate the implications of the above matters mentioned; how that God in, by, and through Christ exercised a power of undoing, even some reversal (for want of a better word) over all most fundamental of matters, and that being the righteousness of Christ and the unrighteousness of sin, and that for us; then how little must be in revelation of all things being made new. Even to the very fullest extent of what to us was, is not now what is. And what is, begs exploration and discovery, always and continually, with all necessity of abandoning of that once was.

It must be added here how weak a word reversal is, for sin did not become righteousness, God forbid! Any inferring of that would be amiss, and if could be laid to my weakness with words would be my necessity to bear such…that is, my being far amiss. But the point must not be lost that Jesus Christ, all of life, light, and righteousness was made sin for us.

And the believer will find, must find, is appointed to find not only the benefit of this, but its very necessity. For despite any and all confessions made in ignorance or of naivete, he will learn he has never understood, nor at all, (despite protestations) what sin is. All of his judgments upon good and evil, righteousness and unrighteousness (of which he once loved to make) have been skewed irreparably except such work of God in Christ be revealed to him.

To this the writer of Hebrews testifies that strong meat is reserved to those of full age, who by exercise of use have learned to discern…good and evil.

But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.

It is only the man of the spirit that, through many trials and experiences learns how convenient it is to man (particularly the religious) to always see sin as a thing he may or may not do; most often as a thing out there, while knowing nothing of the man of sin. And he has also learned the convenience of much self excusing, even his own love of it; rather than behold what appears naked and draped bloody from a tree under all scorn of man not knowing. And to understand himself rightfully (O! too rightly!) placed there. Resistance in, and to that acknowledgement, is resistance in all.

Paul, the once meticulously schooled religious persecutor known as Saul of Tarsus, came to see the wisdom of God’s work in Christ done in, by, and through the cross. That particular place no man could opt to, where to himself he is displayed as not merely ineffectual, but made devoid of all knowing of anything but death’s total immanence, and his own extreme of dependence. And not only so, but that all motions of the natural man, done in agonizing effort to preserve an agonizing soul, serve only to prolong such agony.

Oh, a man may find himself there, no doubt. Jesus surely was not the only man to have ever suffered crucifixion. Thieves and rebels found themselves there, the seditious, traitors, and insurrectionists against Roman rule and power could find themselves there. But this was only as consequence in foiling of some other intended outcome (as being a “successful thief”) and never the thing aimed at. But in Christ, as he (Paul) came to see, was all of impetus toward it, even made plain to us, and confirmed by such word as “but it is for this very hour I have come”.

The power of Jesus was not lost upon Saul cum Paul after the Damascus road. He knew who and what he had met there, later to understand an appointer had appointed him from before birth to this meeting. And so now was left to him, even as it is to any disciple to consider the how, what, and why of things. What was unbearable to have once considered, even outside the realm of consideration by the religious, he was now, not merely invited to understand, but pressed to it.

Messiah (the Christ of God) crucified? Not merely incidentally but in and of all intent, particularly? When such power is made plain of Him that resistance was not only His to exercise, but all exercised in intent to it? How could this be? What could such accomplish? Why, of all ways to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob for whom nothing is impossible, would this be not only the way…but the only way? What…happened?

Admittedly, no man is under any obligation to accept any premise that Paul’s extensive propounding upon such matters had come in response to any questions posited above. His deep explanations and illuminations are not circumscribed by any of how I might imagine such were phrased, thought, or answered.

But if we find his declarations inspired of truth, his findings and broadcasts reliable, we might be foolish to think he is/was the only man to not find any worthy instruction in “ask, seek, knock”. As though in some sense all was handed him on a platter. (Even though in the ultimate truth of it, it was)

Perhaps some answer lay in this question we could even ask of ourselves or one another “Are we convinced that man, Paul, sought the Lord?”

Are we?

That God has given apostles called of Him, few, if any, calling themselves by the name of Christ, would dispute. Much of what is called the New Testament writings are in general attribution to them. And though the calling is never described or even entertained as a necessity to “write the scriptures” or even complete them (in whatever sense that may be taken), some have. Some have written, whose words we esteem accordingly as we do; but we also have little record (if any) of any writings of several.

Of course there are no grounds that would limit the apostle’s calling and labors to exclude writing, but that is not anywhere mentioned as part and parcel of that calling. And since we do have writings that do not anywhere expressly say “and the apostles shall”, or “are called to write” (to any specific end) it might behoove us, in what writings we may trust as apostolic, even as scripture, to investigate to some part of knowing both the necessity of the call(ing) and the end to which it is to be fulfilled in exercise.

And we know, if we do trust such writing, that there are several calls and callings, each according to the ministry of the Spirit and the supply of revelation(s) to each and for each given by that same Spirit, to fulfill such ministry. And we also affirm, without fear of contradiction, that such revelation of ministry (or callings) are all and only of the Lord Jesus Christ. But, not merely as from (which such are) but always in reference to our Lord Himself and His revelation in and to each ministry as head.

By this is meant the elder/pastor/bishop called for oversight of a flock does it according to, or is called to fulfill by the revelation of Jesus Christ as in His shepherding role. Likewise the evangelist is called to be faithful to his revelation of Jesus the evangelist; the teacher, and prophet and apostle, no less. Jesus the teacher, Jesus the prophet and Jesus the apostle (and High priest) of our confession.

I will not speak of any metric of success attained or lack thereof in this regard, but only to that faithfulness to those revelations as given and received. For immaturity (or seeming paucity of revelation) does not nullify any calling any more than agedness, maturity, and even abundance of revelation sets any above as more especially gifted, or calling for more esteem. No gifting is to be despised just as no gifting is to be seen as seat for self exaltation. Paul (an apostle) was overall quite plain as to what constitutes carnal thinking and not unclear as to who and what “is neither anything” or to be of any considerable esteem as preferred in, and among the household of God.

God alone is through Christ as husbandman who alone provides growth.

So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase.

And as so, this writer to the Corinthians in even stern rebuke of carnality while maintaining himself as a neither anything, writes in another place of the end of all such calling(s) and ministries given in, to, and for the Church.

And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ: (with many inspired words following if one can receive them as such)

If one can receive them as such.

There is no intention to call out, berate any who oppose, or even make any case for the persistence and necessity of any or every calling mentioned, for every gift given. No particular is in either more nor less need. As in, “Surely pastors are yet needed, but apostles and prophets?…not so much”

And any opposing have already taken their stand.

Likewise have those who for God’s wisdom in Christ as providing to an “until”:

Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:

take their stand and reception. Yet, certain matters remain.

First to those who oppose, who may say “such and such a calling or ministry” is expired. They must then confess to that “until” being fulfilled and complete for all and every in Christ, certainly not excluding themselves. (Unless they would maintain some absurd position of not “being in or of Christ”, but with enough wisdom to discern what is consigned to past and what may be allowed as in present)

Let them then, in that perfection stated to be attained, and also then as attained as end, speak.

And it is not too obtuse a contention that if taking one’s stand as in “My denomination does not receive such and such a calling as neither necessary today nor extant” he has already shown the carnality of mind identified and exposed by Paul.
For they have yet to answer this particular question to any satisfactory resolution “Is Christ divided?”

If one denominates himself, that is to the strict definition of to take a name “nomine” other than that which is given, or believe he can hold to two simultaneously, he is deceived.

A man shows himself regardless of when he may desire a better light concocted of himself for self flattery. Perhaps particularly so, in how plainly he shows himself. There are no christian denominations, there is Christ and there is else.

But likewise there may be some holding (and I am heartily convinced some are) who maintain and are maintaining a form of restoration declared that is no less corrupt in thinking. The oft proposition that God is restoring the Church and restoring to the church the calling of apostles (and yes, often prophets included as once “outdated”) is not unheard.

These too are not un-often like children in what they believe is their discovery and promotion of what is to them “this new thing” God is doing. And, like children, their desire to form clubhouses and/or promote themselves in this “new” thing has led to advertising and promotion of conferences and gatherings to celebrate what only to their eyes, lay once hidden.

Some, God knows, may even be called to such an office; but lack of maturity and understanding are on full display when in any celebration of any particular calling. And if called, such will learn.

There can be no, is to be no, will not be left long standing if so, that any thinking the church in its continuance has ever lacked apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers. Even in every age. That men may not have recognized nor accepted this is surely one more obvious conclusion, but God has never relied upon any of man’s recognition, nor even acceptation for His doing of what He does and declares.

And as surely as in all continuance (ordained of God till an “until” is reached), as there are and have been true apostles, there have no less been false. There is no church…without the true. Just as there is no church apart from the provision of true pastors, teachers, evangelists, and prophets…by God. It is God who calls and equips all and any through Christ and to propose a lapse or any absence (even for a time) is to propose that god who does not maintain a remnant. Always. Preserve, even to Himself, always a remnant. That God…who is God.

But it is for no man to take the above and seek then to make himself necessary, no matter what he may be convinced such call upon him has been. The church…is. The gifts and callings are. And they will always be found together, men’s sightlessness and ignorance notwithstanding. And also whether any particular man begs for inclusion upon some ground; as though the church is not complete without him in his calling.

Or pleads exclusion of, or to any calling to ensure to himself, not knowing, what is some gross corruption of understanding by which he thinks he stands.

God knows. God knows the clamoring.

And God sees all the contradictions and contortions man in, and by, his own reason attempts to drag into, and seeks to establish, upon some standing as in the church.

Any and all “make way for me in my calling“, regardless of its title, only shows the greatest of a deep carnality and/or immaturity of the one proceeding thus.

Yet according as there is each to their calling, there is in each and every calling a resident authority to that work. That resident, of course, is the Christ of God. Thus Paul’s execution in and of his calling as apostle was to lay a right foundation, a foundation faithful to the revelation of the Christ of God to him. And in him.

That some see, though many may declare such strenuous and diligent attention to such has made him a faithful apostle to be accepted and believed as true, it would be utmost of folly to accept only some parts of his wisdom. Even denying by practice and confession those particular parts he was not too timid to proclaim…even that “until” or till…”we all come…”

Why, Paul even expected congregations would hold several prophets among themselves. And just because any may propose a different sight and reception of how things are “today”, one would then have to concede to Paul being either quite shortsighted, if not ignorant.

He was/is not.

And though we may not see a continuing church of such (to us) recognizable order, the greater peril than admitting to blindness (which is really a small thing) is to say “it is not so”.

And since I presently write from a chair found in Georgia, USA, it is not lost on me how much infection of “if it ain’t happening in the US of A, it ain’t happening” is rampant here. But that is just a writing large (as America “lives large” in her own sight) of “If I don’t see it, do it, or see it happening, it ain’t happening” endemic to all men, till enlightened.

God is always preserving a remnant, whether seen or not. Whether in the USA, or not.

We might just be at best scattered disciples, never having ever seen the church…except most vaguely, and that by revelation. God knows. Or maybe it has come together in only the briefest of moments, not even aware it has, perhaps even lacking those sign(s) proclaiming itself the church (as adorns so many manicured lawns besides steepled buildings.)

Like subatomic particles too seemingly small or insignificant to be seen, and lasting briefest of moments by intense reactions before some reversion or absorption of them takes place, their sight is not lost on the Seer of all things. We have our schedule of events and gatherings…God has His. The brief and informal meetings…even consigned to not being a “real” assembly may be God’s work of preservation in, and even against the stilted formality we have mistakenly identified as the real and true.

We might even be so bold as to ask (or wonder) in the context of our Lord’s own words and instructions. Particularly to those matters of giving alms, or his commendations to the sheep for their entrance. “Do not let your left hand know what your right hand does” or the sheep’s reply to Christ’s commendation for being kind to Him in their visits to the sick, care for the naked, etc. Why, they didn’t even know they were doing something “good”, they didn’t even know…it was the Lord to whom such care was given.

Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungered, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

It is not without note how often the Lord commends to an unknowing (as in alms giving) or an extreme of privacy (as in praying in one’s closet) so that any seeming piety, which tempts to broadcast and publicity, will be denied. The impetus and motive to be “seen of men” in our doings requires demolition by the Lord’s cross. Even down to ourselves in left hand/right hand ignorance of one another, that we do not take to ourselves that air or attitude wherein self exaltation for having “done good” or doing a good thing, gets a foothold. Do not doubt it is insidious. And relentlessly seeking to raise its head.

Yeah, maybe it’s just like that. “Gee Lord, we didn’t even know…we were having church, we were just looking for friends of yours” some might say when eyes are opened. Which could surely cause all or any who think in their “going to church”…they know they do a good thing, to have a caution.

Some, not unfamiliar to Jesus, kept a quite scrupulous record within themselves (and ready for expression) of their good doings. Of, and to themselves, how very well they were doing in obedience…at least until they are told the one thing they lack. Then they may walk away very sad in themselves when their storehouse of goods are shown of no value in the Lord’s light of eternal life.

What gathers…is to what?

Who gathers…is to whom?

And as far as the church overall is concerned, it does no good to be doctrinaire or dogmatic about any matters (even if addressed by an apostle), and these especially, as in “there’s gotta be this many of this, or that many of that, or that if not everyone always speaks or shares a hymn, a doctrine, a revelation (though none are ever prohibited)” something is void.

No, it’s not that, and never that at all. But be aware of any circumstance, gathering, so called meeting of the church where this is either less than encouraged, or far worse, prohibited…or even with some disposition against (for it may be subtle).

And apostles, and often prophets, eventually find out even where they themselves, are prohibited.

I wrote unto the church: but Diotrephes, who loveth to have the preeminence among them, receiveth us not.

Men have always preferred their own order to God’s, as any saint with any experience might know, even of himself. The mature will have come to recognize that matters of resistance, preference, more reasonableness (according to man’s reason) do not quit the arena of battle summarily and easily.

Our “own way” is quite dear to us.

The good fight of faith is always ongoing…and good, no matter opposition, and even the religious reasonableness encountered as against it.

Men may cry it would be chaos, it would be insupportable to any order if left unregulated by the addition (which is always a subtraction) of our better understandings and injection of framework. But that has always been the cry “how would any know?”

How would any know… “if this door is opened to wolves or sheep?”, how would any know “if a man is merely self declared or approved?”

“It will only multiply a fragmentation that already seems unconquerable” some may say, but actually of which is most perpetuated by the ones declared or declaring themselves leaders; even “allowing” for their own sectarian or denominational preferences. And thereby easily infecting so many with their own malady. For while they may wring their hands over their esteem and estate of the church, they also impede. And teach others to.
For again, as regards Diotrephes:

Therefore, if I come, I will call to mind his deeds which he does, prating against us with malicious words. And not content with that, he himself does not receive the brethren, and forbids those who wish to, putting them out of the church.

No man knows anything except by the spirit and revelation, of first the Lord, then himself, or any other. And it is not as though the Lord has left His church ill equipped for the discerning through exercise of spiritual senses to discern good from evil.

But what has only desire to perpetuate itself, thinking only in terms of its own necessity (yes, even any particular congregation as holding worthy lampstand) will never, and can never submit to the Lord’s authority if that is only matter in sight, as though the Lord is placed in position of necessity toward an “us”. Too big to fail has no power of subjection over Christ.

And an apostle understood…even to a why he himself was called.

Lord willing we will speak of it.

I kinda embarrassed myself not too long ago by something I’d said/written. At the time the words were there with some unknown conviction for their saying, but they troubled me immediately afterwards.
In one sense their implication to me was odious, almost heretical, yet I sensed a forbidding at the thought of their removal. And though at the time to me they seemed indefensible, perhaps even indefensibly wrong to the faith to some leading astray, I felt compelled to let them stand.

“Make a deal with God”. I’d written and published. And such deal was to be made in private, and kept private. It is/was to be made in the closet and kept there. There was no setting of parameters nor perimeter (as to what might only be included or excluded), only that:

“Make it of anything at all. Meet him as at a table with whatever you think you need as in an exchange with Him.

But it has to be private.

Done in a closet only you have access to. And kept private by you. Only you know what you put up as in exchange for what you ask for. And as far as you know, only you know what you are asking for.

It has to be private, is all.”

My wonder of having gone too far in presumption by this recommendation troubled me. A deal…really? Like on a car lot…with God? As in “this is what I’m willing to put up or pay for such and such a thing I want and/or ask for”? Really? Where had such instruction come from? And there was no comfort from the scriptures even though we find Jacob in Gen 28:20 dealing in such a manner.

For me, once (as I thought) plainly seen, as I thought I plainly saw it, it was the most base way of interacting/relating to/communing with the God of all creation. Not only odious, but certainly far from any recommending. And certainly not from one such as myself, considered to myself as so sophisticated in matters spiritual and of such a trained and discerning palate. (Yes, I know a very foolish man)

Besides which, in having set no parameters, even intentionally noting “Make it of anything at all…” of “with whatever you think you need as in an exchange with Him.” what doors were left as open for in that asking/dealing? Any and all mega millions lottery seekers? A successful bank heist sought? Getting away with murder? Or worse?

Yeah, I felt as though I were embarrassing myself. (Not that that feeling is too particularly foreign to me) But worse, extending a most unGodly proposition that could lead astray. Stating a deal making scenario with the Sovereign of the universe (and all other barely known and unknown places of possibility)? How just plain and stupidly foolish!

But then I was brought to remember places I have been, a man I once knew of certain mind in perceptions and conceptions, and was reminded how low our God would reach to touch a one, grab a one, and rescue a one. Even bring a man to relate, in whatever measure of rightness the man is made able to enter, to Him.

Really…what are we doing if, or when, we believe we are preaching the Lord Jesus Christ as our savior, and preach the cross? Do we forget how nonsensical it may once have appeared, even to us? How even absurd in our exquisite understanding of how a god should or must be according to that exquisiteness we accorded our reason? The man very smart to himself always has a better god (at least in mind) than the one presented as true savior. And the religious man, no less. Yes, a man always holds to himself the better god than the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, till he be disabused (how strongly? God knows!) of that notion and see its utter folly. And this is always and alone the work of God through His son. That life giving spirit of all truth.

It surely was not lost on Paul, at all. (A both very smart and once religious man) “That the preaching of the cross is to them that are perishing foolishness…” which, if taken on the face of it might indicate a very narrow interpretation…but is it? To the response of “that only holds true for the perishing” and is therefore restricted to only those. But first…yet…who of us wasn’t…the once perishing?

We may confess (and rightly so) God revealed our peril and a coming to an end that could only be resolved in a deep cry to the God who has purposed the cross of Christ. But, do all men once hearing, immediately turn to the way? Did Saul? Do we imagine in his persecutions he never heard the story? We know he had heard of the name, understood of a faction, but do we then imagine of all else surrounding he was ignorant?

There is no compulsion to believe one way or another, but I am persuaded Saul had heard much of that man whose name he once hated and all the story about Him. And how that some he persecuted to prison and death were exalting just a man, even a man seen as contrary to all his own (Saul’s) very schooled excellence in Judaism. That He had come, died for the sins of man, and was risen.

But then, something happened. A man was changed by the God who does not.

As the pieces fell together before him in revelation, thence to a perfect sense to him in such measure he can be declared a true apostle, and this by revelation(s) given, he did not forget how once, even to himself (as he could then express as overall) that the preaching of the cross does (and may) seem at first folly. And no less that:

Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

Do I yet hold some persuasion that there be those of whom that hold, and are even purposed to yet hold Christ as folly to an unsavory end for God’s good purpose? Yes. But I only say this as a declaration of my present estate in understanding, which I have found is always up for rebuke, dissuasion, and correction. And I have no dominion over any man’s faith.

But I have found if I would seek any sincerity for my declaration of Jesus as Lord, there is no other stance available than God does as He wills. With, and to whom, what and how He wills. That he has chosen to save any becomes more and more a miracle (only such a God can or would do) to me than once ever considered. For I have seen by both my very best of reason and intimate acquaintance of the man who deserves nothing but wrath in the light of Christ’s righteousness…yet keeps finding mercy. It is enough!

In short, the more I see of man, the more a wonder salvation becomes…especially (and cannot be overstressed) in my own self. A once…nice story…is not merely spoken of as believed, but shows that peculiarity of necessity of which nothing less, truth must be. The necessity. For apart from truth showing itself (even Himself) of all necessity, it becomes painfully plain that nothing built, except upon it…is true. Or can last, persist, be ultimately manifest as the real, or reality. And our God is both the real, and true. And His work in and through our Christ (even His Christ) is both real and eternal. Coming from a place as seming before time, coming from a place not subject to time, coming from a place that is and always is apart from any being subject to anything but God’s good pleasure. Himself.

If we believe, and have even the merest knowledge or appreciation of the cross, a question becomes, in many ways, moot: “How far would God descend, humble Himself” or “to what lengths would He (Has He?) shown Himself willing to go…to reach?”

And it has now become for me, the far better to appear the fool, even utmost of all fools, than to think I might ascribe to any limit as “this God can do, but this He won’t”…when I see the cross of Christ. And may God forbid I (or any) set limit to the extent of His will to reach…and as even having already extended His arm in Christ, to reach.

The believer does indeed believe in things too marvelous for his self to believe, and too good to be true…while yet being true. And is that curious place he cannot explain; but of which he finds himself in oft occupation and consideration. That God might and would…even save such as he, as me.

Paul was not ignorant of that estate, either. A “yet not I” who lives that not merely allows, but in all purpose gave Himself for identification.

“…who loved me, and gave himself…for me”

Yes, this gospel is exquisitely personal on every level, even to such extent that in the man, it cannot be denied. Truth established in a man, even that it might be, becomes that marvel. A true foundation that never loses wonder, and invites all exploration for a soundness unshakeable and immovable, with further wonders to disclose.

But this was entitled “The Work of Prayer” and how far it appears to have wandered from both title and seeming intent.

But every ex-god knows there are labors of which he boasts to ascribe to his Lord only, and as, and to, His glory alone. And they take place in a place unseen and even forbidden to any and all who are among those forbidden. Yet such are real and known, as every ex-god knows. And only ex-gods are given such gift to know as gift of a new work, even their delightful maintenance of their self as “ex”. And of a worthy instrument shared for that work.

Among men the hoarding of griefs and sufferings for transaction is most common. They, not knowing, are bound by them and to them, as useful as they are for often trade in a land they cannot escape but by an intervention…the land of transaction. It is their treasury to be guarded and kept to and for themselves. The “what they have put in” in efforts and grief and endurance to tilt a balance in their favor.

Do not doubt they are most prized and kept. Even to all justification “I am this way…because…” Every insult imagined or real, every frustration of their being in ready recall to justify “their way”. That peculiar tilt toward “No one knows what I have to deal with…”
Sufferings and griefs locked up by, and to themselves. A veritable and supremely guarded treasury that speaks of their right to be. Hoarded.

Yet we have a Savior who gladly gives all of His away. He is as liberal in His sufferings as He is in His joy. Refusing any right to justify His being, He is. And He was willing to enter into this land, this place of all transactional relationship.

Without complaint.

A marvel indeed. His work.

Never doubt the work of this prayer of His work. As even availing right now for you, for us:

Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;

Now, that’s the “Work of Prayer”.

Do we feel it working?

What does one do in the face of the all knowing? What can one do, but discover who and what they themselves are in such doing?

A quote is attributed to a sister saint:

It is foolish to think that we will enter heaven without entering into ourselves.

This quote seems readily applicable as an outgrowth of Jesus’ own words in regards to a reality, here:

Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.

And though some translations end with “in your midst”, that may create a vaguery [sic] as a thing presented in some ambiguity, the not improper rendering of that Greek word ἐντὸς, as “within, inside within” remains. And I am surely no Greek scholar.

Nevertheless and contextually even within that verse, Jesus is speaking in spirit contrasting of a where a thing is, and not to be spoken of as a “here or there”, but to where it alone truly is. (As need be forgive poor reference to the kingdom of God as thing and it) And though this sister’s quote is not incongruent with Jesus’ word(s) I am not sure the intent of them was made to be strictly congruent to them.

There is something more when she says “foolish”. Not that the Lord’s words need addition, nor would bear them, but that as a sojourner now speaking to other sojourners and seekers, she has been disabused of certain notions. Notions even now found foolish. She is not in seeking to add to the Lord’s word(s), but rather, and as seeker, had them verified to herself.

And it is not merely our allowance to speak of those things we have discovered in seeking and following after God’s Christ, but also our great joy, privilege, and birthright encouraged. All of God’s people are, in one way or other, tellers. And this liberty of ours in Christ is under such a stern forbidding of God as against any who would forbid. Inhibit. Or seek to silence with dogma. Any seeking, attempt(s), motive(s) toward stifling what is every believer’s birthright to speak in and of the faith, is not viewed casually from on High. To put a very fine point upon it, only the believer has license to, and true liberty in, speaking.

We having the same spirit of faith, according as it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak;…

one wrote. And those who are convicted of this truth:

But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.

also know the day of judgement is always quite at hand, for they carry this judgment in themselves, keeping the Lord’s words. This keeping (even) they come to understand is not as many may commonly appraise as in an always faithful doing, but rather as a matter kept locked to heart. A matter of such magnitude to them, the Lord’s word(s), that they dare not let go; even, and especially, when they themselves are found contravening such.

They have learned through what may be fiery trials and consequence it is far better, and to their salvation, to say “I am the man” rather than let one word slip. They have endured judgment(s) in themselves as against themselves and would dare not feign any standing upon their own righteousness, doings, or deeds. In truth the opposite is far more favorably tendered before God, that despite their innumerable failings, Christ has shown Himself tendered toward them. Given. And abiding.

They have marks, even stripes upon their souls that none but others born of the spirit might even be made to see. They know “faithful are the wounds of a friend”. No less knowing it is beyond their own ability for any keeping of anything at all, and that Christ abides faithful in His not denying of Himself, even when we appear faithless. That this inner keeping in learning of being kept is the Lord’s work alone, so that none will deny they have known a man in actions (even of themselves) that have contradicted by those actions, the Lord’s spirit. Yet the Lord remains…even and especially with proofs undeniable if made able to bear:

“As many as I love I rebuke and chasten…”

And none can bear the Lord’s judgment(s) except they be of Him, born of Him, and kept of Him. The fire(s) that judge the world, cleanse and save the believer. But they are hot…nevertheless. He is hot, nevertheless. Looking with eyes as flames of fire.

Utterly piercing and in-dissuade-able.

And so the word foolish in that sister’s quote. A silly and vain hope to be dispensed with, that we are not judged, and to be, and are. All our best reasons and reasonings that would dissuade from and encourage all timidity to the knowing of ourselves, even by entrance into ourselves, are not without some powerful abetting. A one in cahoots with a man dissuade-able, to keep him from seeing that man as he is…in terrifying isolation (for that abbettor is not friend) and most desperate disobedience that must always incur wrath and judgment. Never underestimate the seeming reasonableness of this enemy and abbetor. In his cahoots with a man.

Yet, we are to untimidly turn him over to his deserved and righteous judgment. “Let” that righteous judgment be seen as exercised upon and against him. Righteously.

The cleaving of soul and spirit will always leave a scar. Scars with no need of shame, but will come of sharp judgements in all need of a balm. To not deny them, perhaps even learn the great work of patience (as a gift) to their reception in this cleaving, this dividing asunder, cannot but be anything but a marvel in our eyes. How faithful is our God!

What does one do in the face of all knowing? One man hides, or sleeps through this garden of all trial, while one man comes forth from this garden speaking:

Then asked he them again, Whom seek ye? And they said, Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus answered, I have told you that I am he: if therefore ye seek me, let these go their way:

Our hope to know that man as He is, cannot but come except by turning another man over to death. A man that perhaps seems against all reason to consider as only fit for consigning to death, a man of some religious esteem, even appearing as of some spiritual attainments. That man that even discerns himself as discerning. That man that thinks himself…necessary.

Whatever are of his motions are being exposed, rooted out, shown for the pernicious vanity they are; before whose eyes, and before Him, with whom we have to do.

For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged. But when we are judged, we are chastened of the Lord, that we should not be condemned with the world.

Jesus said unto them, If ye were blind, ye should have no sin: but now ye say, We see; therefore your sin remaineth.

Who only hath immortality, dwelling in the light which no man can approach unto; whom no man hath seen, nor can see: to whom be honour and power everlasting. Amen.

Blinded by the light.

If any are able to even barely receive the contention(s) made in “To the Invisible Sky Daddy”, then this will be less problematic.
But, if still either laboring against such contentions as too fluffily philosophical and/or not spiritual enough; or as merely ungrounded juvenile musings mixing a bit of crazy with some diluted or deluded derivative of true faith, will these verses help?

Behold what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God! Therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew Him not.

For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.

Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we him no more.

The world cannot know us, because it does/has not known him, we are dead and hidden, and what any might know, or do know of any is never according to the natural senses for:

While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

There is no explanation of this, or for this, how a man can look at what is unseen, it is only resolved in Christ, by Christ, through Christ as to the reality of it. And, of course, it must cause upset to the natural man and/or the natural mind if yet it’s being heeded by even the novice believer.

Yet, as said in previous writing(s), even the natural man is laboring (though unknown to him) all manner of unseen things. It is only when the natural mind is confronted with the truth of this (in natural/carnal man or novice believer) that upset ensues, even as it must. Some may change, some may seek to do away with you. And that is always and alone is God’s hand.

In one sense our invisibleness and submission to it, acceptance of it, even delight in it (if one is made able), is what manifests Christ’s presence “into the world”. O! but it is not that therefore all (or even any) will accept in the world, for that can never be our metric…acceptance. Our only concern, as we are, and must be won to, is faithfulness to the Savior, to our Lord. If there is any concern regarding our being known, or even wanting to be, the Lord is faithful. His light hits our opaqueness, our inner density, our spiritual obtuseness of any striving to be a something, quite emphatically and effectively.

He (our God) presents a man to us in truth, even continually and continuously, for our benefit, who made himself of no reputation.
Only the believer can either see, know, or believe this. And what relief is there found! (Talk about benefit!) Particularly for seeing Him who is invisible. Even great help to seeing Him who is invisible.

Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.

Is it therefore “blind” faith, or faith that actually causes us to see? Of course for us who believe it is always the latter. Our blindness to what is and is unseen to all and every natural man (and natural/carnal mind) is what we declare. We are even those who no longer fear being called the blind by any other. Or the stupid. Woefully fearful or foolish. Even superstitious as if making up tales for comfort against things that go bump in the night, like death.

Yet it is the natural mind that labors in all sorts and manner, even superstitiously, of things unseen. A man can quite wholeheartedly believe, work as though, live as though, speak as though, he has a tomorrow of his own. And even right now. He truly believes it as real to him as his now; displaying, and quite actually showing he knows neither the now…or this thing he so blithely imagines he can handle with such facility as his own, a tomorrow.

It is both wisdom and benefit to us that the apostle wrote our saying to be: “God willing” that is not for us a catchphrase, but an inescapable (and inescapably wonderful) reality to be known. To not know one’s self as sustained in this very moment, even as a thing in creation (as all is) upheld by the word of God, is perhaps not only to miss much, but miss all. And rightly also did the apostle write as to where this, or from which “place” this is all taking place, as hidden with Christ in God. A place of no presumption. And no one there is seeking to be, trying to be, striving to be…anything but who and what they are…there. Or even trying to be seen. Or be heard.

But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

This, though seemingly addressed to wives (as it is, and no less) is in address to that hidden man of the heart. Our Lord has a bride, a wife, a body of bone of his bones and flesh of His flesh of which is constituted by every believer as member. Both in heaven and as yet remaining in tents of flesh. But, even as our Lord of a “being” in (what appears) two places at once…so are we who remain in these tents.

and no one hath gone up to the heaven, except he who out of the heaven came down — the Son of Man who is in the heaven. (Young’s literal translation for clarity).

The man who has been won to setting his affections according to these/this truth:

If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

Must soon also learn the truth of this that follows:

For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.

Strange, yet wonderful no? Are we yet in our own tents, or here “in the earth”, but no less and also, in Heaven where Christ is? No natural man (or mind) can receive this to any understanding as yet caught in all its either/or(s). And it is not that it is even explicable to any extent by any man of spiritual estate, but, as a statement and declaration of how things are, made to be, particularly to and for the believer, it is to be believed and entered into. Such matter(s), as all things of and in our Lord to and for us, are to the end of comfort, encouragement, and the glory of His name.

Being seated in heavenly places is not our vanity at work, but His great mercy of such glory. He has taken captivity captive even to the end of being captivated by Him and His marvelous work alone. In which all heaven rejoices (shouting)

Saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing.

Are we not among those now? If not, or believing not, what hinders? Must our joy…know bounds? God forbid!

Of course this is not a litmus test of, nor for, anything. It is not to some end of having a “joy detector” for application to ourselves or others for measurement; and surely if we do seek to use such as against others, we will find such turned on ourselves to certain judgment(s). Joy in believing cannot, in one sense, be weaponized…yet….we do find it weapon, an even equipping of sorts against all the onslaughts and assaults our faith endures while in these tents of flesh. We need strength, do we not? It is not without reason and to good purpose we are to be reminded:

Do not sorrow, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.

The joy of the Lord. Jesus spoke of it as His. Even as a work performed in and by Him to be known of disciples, particularly in His word(s) to them (us?):

These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.

And strength if admitted as needed, as an even necessary thing to be provided, and provided through our Lord Jesus, the Christ of God, is inseparable from His joy…which is our strength. And the disciple soon learns, if he hasn’t already, the need of that strength of which that joy is. Our God is not sour faced.

Here is something of an aside, particularly referencing a particular matter of which I have not been shy to mention as often as necessary. If I do have anything, seen anything, had revealed anything…even to such end that I write (or speak) about it, or about these/those things, I would be utmostly[sic] remiss if not mentioning or denying, almost all has come as reproof, even rebuke.

Though I have to be careful here about any linking presumptuously as though I easily see all, or even any cause and effect, God knows (O! How God knows!) my being completely wrong about things (in either apprehension, execution(s) of doings, and perspective) has necessitated so much, and so innumerable, correction. This of course, does not mean anything in any regard to now thinking “But now, I am correct”.

No, I am what needs correction. Over, and over, and over again (and so much so that I dare not deny) it has been proved, at least to me. And to me it is no shame to admit, for I have (if even in most slightest way and of most tender ministry) tasted the awful terror of being found liar. So it is not even so much as what may appear “honest” confession, but some terror of denying that provokes me. In this I may simply be showing I am most novice of all, while I speak of novices and perhaps presumptuously speak of spiritual men. “This man would not be honest about such things except as in fear of the whip, what a piss poor example for such a thing as might be called honesty!”

Yes! Yes indeed! I am not skeered of saying “Yes! I fear the whip! Far more than my imagining any love of truth is in me of myself!”

All my striving, even as seen over some short decades to not be that, to be the fellow who is right, gets things right, see things right, does things right, knows himself as right, and out from whom flows nothing but rightness, some goodness, some merit, some truth (one might be so bold as to say, naturally) is shown of such carnality and blindness with fearful consequence as truth can only come when pressed out. No, such a man is mercurial, like that fountain spewing seeming praise to God, with Dragon’s breath. Yeah, I know that guy.

But here I would be no less remiss if not saying, even (or is it particularly?) when that guy is exposed, exposed to such measure of wonder “but who would have any care, who could have any care, why would any ever have any care for such a one?”, that I have seen mercy come, not only as a thing so seemingly unbidden, but in most direct contrast, most obvious contrariety against what such a one deserves, speaking against what all and everything but itself sees right to speak…judgment and full condemnation, mercy…comes.

I tell you, in such circumstance of that guy, and of and at such times, mercy, though surely needed, is not even in sight (seemingly), or on the agenda, or making the list of the things ask-able (for it seems almost a blasphemy to even consider!) yet…it comes. He comes. Has come. And in soberest moments I dare not deny His coming. Even to and for, such a one.

Now of course this appears (even as I write) and sounds like a man so unconvinced or unfamiliar with mercy that again, it is almost blasphemy for him to speak of it. It’s like this guy is not much of a believer at all, if at all. He may even be the most novice of all novices, seeming to have so little confidence in mercy’s appearing through Christ! Yes! Yes indeed! If I am graced to occupy that, I tell you…for me it is enough.

Yes, I may, even more than any ever known or to yet be, need to have my face pushed down in dirt, chokingly breathing dust against what feels a righteous boot upon a powerless neck, a glistening blade tinging brightly in its utterly ineffable sharpness ready to fall with all that is expected, and no more than all thought, and every thought, testifies as expected “I am about to not be“. Hopes of a better end are not even there to see or consider.

But, yet, comes a hand…comes a hand “Get up and dust yourself off, let’s take a walk and talk, instead”. And I don’t even remember asking for mercy that I might say “It was because I asked for mercy, He has come.”

No, it must have been a someone else or from a where of somewhere else that bid it to me. And to Him, yes to Him, in that walking and talking it would appear as blasphemy to insert any doubt with “but I thought it was all over for me” as though my perceptions could rightly occupy any necessary place of opposition or even discussion of His knowing and doing. Yes, He knew/knows exactly how I thought, what I felt, what I expected. He knows. He is far less interested in my rightness or wrongness about things (at least to me) than this, His (must be) overwhelming pleasure in showing mercy. I mean for me (at least) He has done it over, and over, and over again.

Therefore I am leery to make those presumptuous linkings mentioned…is it because I am so wrong he shows himself so good and merciful(?) or can it be, His goodness is, always was, and always will be in consistency to Himself, having less than zero (if it may be said) to do with any even rightness or wrongness I may perceive of myself as of myself. And I am never sorry to consider this.

He is good in absence of all of this man’s (me, and my) doings. Or appraisal. In even other words, might His mercy be in all absence of my necessity for it, or even knowing of need, for it? He is merciful, period. He is good, period. Can this be that in delivery from burden of sin is an also and likewise delivery from any and all trying to be good? Is that heresy? I can say (if only) for me trying to be good (as in my own eyes read “right”) has proved an unbearable burden, with often terrifying consequences.

I cannot tell you without tears of your boredom flowing, of how often has been said and thought “B-b-b-but I thought I knew what I was doing”. And often with my own tears accompanying. It seems something so far inescapable (and dear Lord, may it never be less so) that that mercy asked for, and asked precisely for a they that “do not know what they do” is no less given and available to a “they”.

Even to a man striving to be singular, distinguished, better, not a part of a they or an anyone, but once striving always to be a someone…can find comfort to so to speak, be lost in a crowd of anyones as a seeming invisible man, yet know he is seen?

I am persuaded it is no other way.

There is no other way than Him. And His way.

Are ye able to drink of the cup that I shall drink of, and to be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?

They say unto him, We are able.

He told them they did not know that for which they were asking before the above. Do we? Yet, mercy for those who do not know.

Even such as extends to this in His sharing while we are all as yet in all unknowing of what we ask:

“You shall indeed drink of my cup…”

See, it’s already too late if you already know you want a tight seat close to Jesus. He provoked you to that desire if one has it, and He already knows…even without any speaking what is in any and every man…for He knows. As He alone knows what knowing is.

And God help me, and God help you, even, perhaps especially if we have both made it to these last few sentences, together. Not that they are of themselves anything, but you have been made able to bear a fool writing of, and on what seems one hand unspeakable joy and glory, and a few paragraphs later of some terrors and seemingly undesirable in all, experience. As a neck under a sword.

But, by God’s grace we are made fit to all. And be filled of all.

A man in heaven beholding so a man in earth can speak. And who is equal to such a task? Who alone…is able to make of any…this:

Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

Things in seeming opposition.

But only…seeming.

I can’t escape conversation. Even in what may appear to all but you know who as silence, there are often words swirling around inside me. And likewise, and not unusually, I appear to myself as one invited to, and in, a great question and answer forum, hearing questions rise.

And right now, in this very moment of tapping keys to suddenly cause words to appear before me, (and perhaps in some later, before you) arises this one: “Where do I go from here?”.

And now that is consigned to my past, and right now, to perhaps your future…(which is now)

Oops, here it is again: Where do I go from here? I was wrong…again! Not so past as I thought.

Making the unknown known is some work! (Good thing it’s not left to me or my work)

Ahh, here is where “we” are going. See, I am finding out in this now, just as immediately as you are finding out in yours. We are all (O! the presumption in “we are all”?) walking in a way we know not. Walking into what is unknown to us.

One writer said this of another:

 By faith Abraham, when he was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not knowing whither he went. (That’s in the Bible I have)

Now, I understand this may not sit well with some, in my assignment of “we are all”. For I can and do already hear something of a din arising in the so called forum that might seem to disrupt what was determined to be a (more orderly?) question and answer period.

Opinions are now rising, being tossed to and fro in seeming odds against each other. Some called believers are shouting “To hell with your “we are all”! for not all men have the faith, and surely not the faith of Abraham, much less Jesus Christ!” and “You have no idea who is going to read this!” And for me, some of (who only seem) the mass of faceless believers have faces, I think I know some of them, have met some of them.

But their faces are only in my memory, as again and likewise “we all” only see the past. Even when looking face to face in the natural. In the natural, all we know (or believe we do) is in the past…words utter(ed) (it takes time for sound waves to reach our ears from the utterer), things seen as looking at, (it takes time for light), and we are, in the natural always and only in capture of things past. And no matter how “fresh” a memory may seem…

But anyway…and nevertheless, we are quite convinced we have a “now” in which we see and hear as things really are. (My own memory would never play me false, would it? After all, it is my own…!)

Likewise I hear a din rising from what appears “another side”. “I am not a believer, I don’t believe your hoo doo, or in some invisible sky daddy, so don’t include me (or us) in your “we all”. And surely not that silly book written by mostly ignorant, superstitious, and unwashed nomads and tribal folk. This is 2025 dammit! Who do you think you are, anyway?” and often “You so called believers are always so presumptuous, pompous with what you say and think you know about everything and everyone to even include the likes of me (or us). You talk like you know or have known…everybody! Pompous fool!”

And “You writer, appears as the most pompous and presumptuous I have ever heard!”

“You don’t know…me!”

Yeah, seems anyone expressing anything…should expect push back. Even if in their own head.

“No, the sky is not just blue, it is cerulean blue!” Corrections abound. (Say cerulean blue 50 times and see how queer and meaningless it sounds…even to one’s self)

Oops did I say queer? (Another quadrant of the forum is being heard from!)

“Hey! that’s our word!”

All of us (did I say “all” again?) trying to appropriate whatever this thing is we commonly call reality to our own ends, whereas it most often seems the greatest and only most common thing we find is an each seeking to be uncommon. Whose words, whose reality (kinda belies the very notion of reality by assigning it a “whose”, doesn’t it?) is/are reliable? Is it really (what does really mean, anyway?) up for grabs?

Listen, if you can. Briefly, if you can. I ask as favor, imploring. For I know I am asking a lot…and more than a lot. At least to a man I can and do readily concede is out of his mind if that be your judgment. I can no longer be afraid of the crazy (or the judgment of it) than I can of my own shadow. It follows me, relentlessly. Too used to it by now. (Maybe I kid myself? Wouldn’t be the first time)

Listen it is 2025! (or so it seems, anyway) And there are discoveries of microbes, cells, atoms, quarks, neutrinos, Higgs Boson(s), forces and fields, weak(s) and strong(s), electromagnetic waves, photons, Fermi paradoxes, musings over gravity and space (and mutual effects), vast spaces uncovered of these things we call “matter” on a level so profound we wonder if even matter exists at all as ever once thought. (And my fondness abounds for a thing called “string theory.”) All these things and so many others those dusty footed nomads knew nothing about (or at least they didn’t say).

And all these things mentioned (of which there are boundless others), I know less than zero about in understanding to convey to any adequacy…except to mention them. Just as I can say “theoretical physics” without prohibition, yet knowing absolutely nothing of it.

I hear it! I hear…”See! See! We always told you thunder and lightning was not as some hill dwelling sandal clad goat herder thought…’the voice of a god’. Or angel. Or that spontaneous combustion deserved wonder and attribution to some miraculous appearing from another realm you claim as under your purview! We know! We now know!

We are not superstitious, but scientifically and rationally informed as to the nature of reality and things, not like that shepherd or so called prophet believed or wrote, with not even any basic understanding of things mentioned…atoms, cells, the Krebs cycle, electrical activity. And the “nature of matter” being so enigmatic that we now say (and without fear) to even that they in their benighted ignorance (and all who find something of their “stuff” to hang their hat or so called faith upon) you ‘had and have no idea…no idea at all of how things really are…’ ”

“Nothing is nor ever was as it seemed to YOU in your silly, ignorant, and superstitious interpretation of it, or holding to it”

Wait.

Some other few are now rising. I can’t describe their camp even though (perhaps especially so and even because) I count myself as there. Somehow indescribable and resistant to all description of any how…yet I am there.

“Wait”, is said. “Wait”.

“This is all we have been saying in ultimate of deconstruction, even to your own words ‘Nothing is nor ever was as it seemed’.”

This, your seeming claim is no less ours from even our own outset. Nothing, no thing is…as it seems. There is and remains a hidden nature as to all things are as yet, in seeming. Perhaps like you my mind says and interprets solid when I hit the table…or wall, or fall to the ground, but as to the nature of the table (mostly space) and myself also, no less, I find my own mind in one sense lying to me about what solid really means as it appears to it. (And how fond I am of Lord Rutherford’s reaction by staying in bed!)

A brilliant man of peerless exploration, experimentation, and discovery in his work of finding how vast are spaces in things we perceive as once “solid”. A brilliant man (also called “the father” of nuclear physics) reduced for a time in fear possessed by his discovery. Terrified of getting out of bed for fear of falling through the floor with what he now knew. Everything I once thought solid is mostly empty space!

Yes, knowledge can be very very scary. Even the brilliant are not immune. And though I am not seeking to make a point, neither am I ashamed of what another wrote:

For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.

O! But doesn’t that seem contrary? Doesn’t it seem that the better would always be to the knowing of stuff? That to the knowing of more stuff is the better overall? How could sorrow be in it? Is some superstitious work at work…smuggling sorrow in?

I have met many (purely anecdotal of course) who claim faithlessness, or atheism or agnosticism as home base, yet who claim some oft unspoken intrepitude [sic] for meeting life or reality head on without crutch. This thing of faith to which they assign as only superstitious belief and practice. That likewise they are often not unwilling to say or ascribe to as a mere result of a fear generated response.

That “they” are the more fearless, intrepid, devoid of that nothing they assign as faith in “other’s god(s)” or God’s being, but assign as that form of comfort crutch created by the timorous (of which they are not, surely) to face what few would deny as life’s uncertainty(s). Not to even here mention death. It seems often there may be enough pomposity to go round.

It’s almost as if, if there really be sides, each side is prepared to say “O! but you do not know what I labor under (My god asks much of me!), and/or contrarily, “You do not known how much fearlessness is required of me to live bare faced and alone looking into the future. And at death” (Rare is the man who is not inclined to somehow publish “See how hard I am at work!”)

And I must also wonder at those who, not unusually say how at home they are (in their fearlessness) with the notion of death. It must only be “the others” that find some fear/terror there to construct a crutch as only possible motive for a thing called faith. For, if so comfortable in, or with that notion of their own non being so final, so ultimate and so rapidly approaching (I tell you, there is nothing after!)…why shun its practice now by being silent if one is so at home with it?
Am I being catty?

Perhaps there is more to being, especially being in consciousness or what appears so…or what we claim as so…than seems? Yes, nothing is, no thing is as it seems. Even nothing.

Who really is made able to enter, not the unconscious…but the absence of it? If that is the true and overall estate of (what some might call) reality, (it has no and holds no consciousness) then one is already there, no? I mean…who escapes…reality? And if reality is ultimate, and what we are all inescapably in, and is no less the absence of consciousness, then you (perhaps) alone O! man! are surely upsetting it by thinking! Unless you are prepared to say you do not…think. (Ha!) Am I being catty, again?

Or even more absurdly (and I have nothing against the absurd when worn properly) one is prepared to say “reality is in flux”. Or even, “in flux to each.” Then, of course, one could not ever presume to base their notion of reality as a “real” and ultimately true thing as holding no consciousness. For some consciousness is required to even say that.

Everyone I have ever met or had exchange with (anecdotally) seems to have it. But here again I am. Nothing is as it seems.

This Jesus confessing man once said, (at least as I am told and have read):

One day you are going to find there are only two men alive in the earth, you and the Lord.

I have no doubt this is odious to some. (Look! A Jesus smuggler!)
And though I believe this is surely true of the believer, I hold some hope for even those who (seemingly) presently deny.

It may become of some import to know who (when applicable) and what, is real.
You might even find some question of what appears your own consciousness, your own mind. Even in that thing one calls their own mind. Are thoughts…really real? What are they? Is my mind so called, or consciousness, a real thing? Do “I” have it like any or every other, as it seems? When I say blue, do they see red?

Does anything I think I say to another…ever really conform to what I believe I am communicating? What some may even say they are hearing? Is communication actually a real thing…as it seems?

Ultimately, like our once view of what a seemingly solid thing really is as opposed to our experience and the way our mind constructs it to an ourself, might my mind have any other interpretations of, and even of itself…wrong? Misleading? What if all is wrong in my understanding about everything…what do I know? Is anything according to what I think “to know” means…as knowable? Maybe some they are lying about atoms? How would I know? Or maybe I misheard it all. Is there any they, at all?

What do I know?

If we summarily dismiss all this as folly, as mere teenage or dorm musings after a few bowl hits (See, I assume communication as a real thing), with “at least I know my own mind” and this which is coming from that mind (of the writer) is folly, then if it is yours, your mind; it is yours to control in all, no? Letting in only what “it” chooses, excluding all it finds foolish, lie or just plain stupid to it. Exquisitely judging by power of what will be to it. Then show your exercise and control by forbidding any next nightmare or even unpleasant thought. (I have yet to meet anyone who says they enjoy them) After all it’s your mind…and why would it ever do that…to you? Am I flirting with being catty?

Is Jesus an unpleasant thought to you? (too much?)



But this brother said as he said. In your earth of questions, in which I have little doubt words also swirl, and many questions too, the only man able to give answer to another man (even in his mind quite directly in a true now) is that, as yet, invisible man. If He answers you, His answer is a call. He spurred you to even ask. And His call is firm. Even out from all that is familiar to you, seeming home to you, and to walk in a way you know not. It sounds hard, right…”how do I go where I don’t know where I am going?”

Peace to you, because everyone is. You already know of it, are even quite sure of it of “others”.
The man who hoped to, even thought he would, break his best golf score had a heart attack on the 16th hole. (He may have lived). Or if too dire for you, the woman who won the lottery. It matters not what or how one chooses to view such, you already know (or do you not?) how life changes suddenly from what was apparently one direction to another.

We may like to say or think “I know”…”I know where I am going and what I am going to do…” Even “I know what I do”…often thinking we see or know all outcomes of such doing. What we most rarely consider in what we may think is, or view as, the immediacy of our doings, is a trail of consequences always farther reaching than we can know or imagine. But, we take the odds in our now.

Yes, how much we wager on odds! Odds are “I will make it to work”. Odds are “I will come home from work”. Odds are, odds are, odds are “things are real, and will be…as I think”. As I think…until. Until whatever, or whomever causes us to question even our very own thinking. Even being. What is it? These things over which we have made so many assumptions, presumptions, even as to what can be…and will be. Even and including…what cannot.

What is?

We may find ourselves in some extremis of darkest ignorance before light comes.
And light is to come.
The light is the coming one.

Then we “know” as no one can either explain, elucidate, illuminate or describe how desperately we need to know…what, if anything, is real. We can surely put that aside, do and have, to some later considering in our seems (that seem good enough) our odds (that seem enough in our favor) by being occupied in a mimicry we have bought as life.

Yes, and I am as good (or bad) a mimic as ever was. And, yes, I can still do it, not denying. But the most easily verified truth remains, proven even daily…sometimes even moment to moment “I do not know what I am doing. I do not know where I am going” as often as yet I may remain so very inclined to think otherwise.

Too frank for some, I know.

But this I have also found…it is not too frank for one man. It is only before He who shows it so irrevocably and consistently true, that I truly don’t know what I am doing, that also allows me to confess it without shame. He alone is not ashamed of man’s not knowing, making and having made full provision for it in Himself. I have met a man who communicates it. Believes in communing, even if or when, all else is found scattering. Yes, communication is possible.

I dare not deny His provision, even plea, for what “knows not what they do”…God forgive me, and God forbid me. I am always moving into the all I do not know, regardless of how I pose myself. And in posing myself I am no exception nor hold some magic exemption. I posture a lot. Just as a mimic would. And the “all” I do not know is that which, and even that He of which, and whom is, all of reality. But funny…moving into that better man leaves me absolutely no claim of being any better. But it may of a liar, be able to fashion an honest man, a real man. And truth in the inward parts.


One might rightly ask “but how do you know?” It is the only thing I do know, I cannot escape reality. Despite my array of crumbling seems, and all the seems thrust upon me for which I cannot blame any other in their thrusting. They gave what they had to my willing acceptance. I bought into the odds. With all I had and was. After all, I could win at this! But there is a better man, and He alone is the one who provides me all relief from trying to be one. Or now, even think myself one. Truth is always enough.

Oddly, and for a long time, and too long a time I actually was convinced I was better, being made better to some end that I might (for my own pleasure) enjoy being better. A kinda bestial blend of Christian Narcissus , enjoying my own reflection in a pool, happy as can be at who I see there. Am I now immune from being found stealing peeks? God knows, and God forbid I lie! And, even more importantly, God forbid He stop catching me at it with reproof.

The odds were surely on trying, God knows. But someone did the impossibly sure for man; and only sure thing. He ran himself quite purposefully to death, and yet, not as suicide. The life that kills Him is the life He is, but something had to get out of the way for its seeing as that life going beyond death. He not only paid a ransom in full for sin, but no less took that sinful thing with all its predilections for and to it (sin) with Him to the cross.

There’s not much I can do (nothing, really) if all you smell is a rotting corpse about me. It’s a sure thing I must be, to some. And sure things are always better than the best odds. Even and especially if and when it even confirms the unseemly, as unseemly. (It is unseemly for a man to stink so much!) Yes! yes! Be provoked to look elsewhere for fragrance!

But it is not even that “I like” a sure thing, or am found in preference of it. I do, for sure, but there is something other. I can’t escape it. Reality…is real. And there is in and of reality, a better man. And He is not me, no matter the tightest of bonds irresistible in place. Drawn tighter (if it be so) only proves this all the more clearly, I am not Him. Yet in that perfection He has and is, He has no less made it perfectly OK to not be Him. Of Him is abundantly sufficient.

He allows another, has made provision (even in His own body) for another to be as real as He. It is enough to know…real. It changes us…even if we feel we must take to our bed to avoid falling through the floor for a time.

“Knowing the terror of the Lord,” someone said, “we persuade men.”

If you have gotten this far, perhaps a few extra paces? I am not sure what’s next, myself. But I see a shadow in hope of its materializing. That communication is now, and not merely as a possible thing but a quite real thing…and to take place.

And that is kinda it. Shadows becoming, and to become, substance. Real.

Just as I said every man is walking into the unknown (though he might protest he knows, and knows how things will, or must be) we are. In “the Bible” quote referring to Abraham we find a man with an attitude, particularly that attitude of accepting that as true. Someone called him out to even let him know by telling him, you are being led in a way you know not. He is called the father of faith for that, his acceptive reception of that. But even this was not of himself, he was called to and for this.

The man who remains convinced he always knows where he is going and what he is doing cannot receive it. Convinced of what “will be”. Even though he is walking into the very same unknown to himself. He simply is that, the man denying his walk into the unknown, because he is self assured of what he knows, and by his own will and purpose, what is “to be”. No man is immune to that except the one who walked perfectly and purposefully to His own end.

But just as there is some resistance to using such a broad and narrow brush simultaneously, there is often resistance to another thing. The thing of “what you don’t see”. Or by extension, the thing you can’t prove. And in particular for this conversation “the invisible friend” or “the invisible sky daddy”. As I said in Abraham’s walking as common to all (not really knowing where any of us are going, in toto) so is this matter. The religious might like to “keep it to themselves” for advantage of sorts, I cannot. Or cannot anymore…my own advantages having been thrown in my face by the reality…even to some staining, far too many times. They are dung. Yet I have hope in a cleanser.

But we all are in “dealing” with the invisible, and particularly invisible persons. Perhaps even of all “things”, persons are the most invisible to us of all things and in all our dealings. And it has only been by God’s grace of being drawn into a man I couldn’t see, and learned what little I have of Him, that I see this so clearly.

It doesn’t matter of whom “other” I might speak here, for quite mostly all other people are often a great mystery to me. But I feel free to talk of wife. Someone it seems a poor choice in all, not for whom my own wife is, but for the fact it seems (and is often widely accepted and acceptable) of all people a man would know his wife “best”. He may know his children, or think he does, and many others. But I choose wife, not necessarily as prime example, but for me as one (my wife) who will bear me using her as example. My kids may be strong, but my wife is strong in the Lord.

(But the wise will find it is really only me I am talking about)

I “deal” with her according to my knowing of her. She is corporeal, so to the protesters she is provable. But how often has been and yet often is, in dealing with this person I can see, feel, touch, know, had many experiences with (and therefore prove to the “rational”) another appears, almost as from out of nowhere. There’s a something or a someone going on there “inside” (well beneath exteriors) that is really there.

My thinking of knowing her so often is shown as not matching up as precisely as I think, that it has not been less than more than several occasions I have heard “You think you know me” or “you really don’t me at all, do you?” I may be a terrible, if not the most terrible husband as ever has been, God knows. Maybe it’s right for any and all to say “you need to be a better husband, you suck”.

But that’s not really the lesson, or for me, my lesson. It’s that even standing 5 foot 2, of so many pounds, (provable enough?) I am always dealing with that invisible “thing” inside. A person…a real person as real as me…but invisible. Knowable…but also unknown.

And even so often misunderstood…by me. I now have no problem at all with dealing on the grounds that “persons”, even all persons, are as invisible to me, as she. And to be fair (if only to myself) even what “comes out” from this invisible thing as words is often mystery…when, or what does “I am fine” ever mean what I think it might? Especially if I find it repeated by my further investigation by “I already told you, I am fine”.

But, even for me, that is low hanging fruit. But I think you get it. Maybe.

Of course I am only telling on myself. My inadequacy and often error in failing to read. But here’s the thing, this thing inside that (provable for some) shell is dynamic, real, even though I am pressed to admit how invisible is that thing to me. I “see” it with some knowing, but far short of its sum. Something is always going on I can’t and don’t see, changes here, revisions there, a consciousness contained (it seems) but which is itself…invisible. The she that is the she is, is of that consciousness going “on” inside her, even that makes her that her…is invisible. (And I do not doubt her reality, do you?) And how much more of a thing might be invisible?

Dare we say…spirit? A thing deeper even of all and ultimate constituent.

Ahh, I learn…persons, though invisible, are real. Oh, we can generally identify a body or a face as that of a person, even say we know a person by those things. “It has a human body, human organs” therefore “it is or was a person.” We have now advanced down to DNA, not only for a classification but now to more specificity as to person, where once fingerprints were the best we had.

And despite this, all this and these things, we still hold to something other than the body and even its minutest constituents “it’s who you are ‘on the inside’ that is the you you are.” Or I am. The things quite intangible, and things intangible of character, demeanor, dispositions, intelligence, and so on. And those things, always being impacted by thoughts, experiences, even thoughts and experiences of others, things of seeming no control to that occupant that “show” who that person is. I only see any by their manifestation of something I don’t see…to me.

And such is dynamic in that sense; which is why today’s wife is both not yesterday’s, nor may be amenable to yesterday’s dealings or knowledge. “I thought you told me you like roses”? or “Oh, you don’t want pancakes today?” We are always being changed, in changing, but also in some peculiar way maintaining the same identity. Even if to others we may seem a completely different person. “I dont’t get it, she was such a bitch in high school…or he a bully…or timid…”

Walking into the unknown does that. Meeting unknown experiences, coming across once unknown thoughts or considerations, or some information previously unknown. We are all doing it. Even if we deny it, this, our being in flux; seemingly static to ourselves because, “I know myself! I know who I am, dammit!” Identity held in place, but everything else…swirling.

“This is me,” or…”this is me with amnesia” even.

And how rarely might we concede so much just seems to “bubble up” from somewhere in ourselves, an even unknown and unsee-able place somewhere, even and particularly (to us) within ourselves, unbidden, unsought…but now breaking through to our consciousness (or mind, if you will)…that we even seem to “self change”?

“Why I never saw it that way! Nor could I, till just now!” What are often called epiphanies. A light goes on, where once a bulb for lighting was not even seen, or known. How much of we ourselves…is even unseen to ourselves? Small wonder then, we are all some mystery to one another. For we are mysteries to ourselves, not even knowing why if pressed as when pressed we might say “I told you, I know who I am, dammit!”

Spirit, soul, and body. Spirit ineffable and irreducible. What we might call true or truest of nature (and most often resisted as to being real). Soul, which even the most hardened may deny as being a “thing” of itself, nevertheless understand in some way, that when they are dealing with a person, any person, (yes, even themselves) they are dealing with an intangible being in expression with, and or for, communication.

Some may think only of mind, so be it. But that in itself is intangible enough. Just to be able to touch another’s mind or be touched by another is no small feat. Yet, and nevertheless, this thing, if even reduced to mind is always, and in some way, under a bombardment of assault irrefutable…being directed, buffeted, informed (even by own thoughts rising from an unknown place) and situation and circumstance. I say assault because if stillness is peace to it, it yet and often finds itself nevertheless made subject.

To be awake and alive to circumstance also brings with it many unbidden things. “Does that old man wearing that T-shirt really believe himself ‘#1 Grandpa’? Does that old lady also garbed really want me to do a something? ‘Ask me about my Grandchildren’?” Is Crest really “the best toothpaste?” And on and on…even if one is happening to read this (or write it), for I, no less am being changed, and under some bombardment of thought and thoughts, circumstance(s), interruptions unanticipated, requests made as from outside for my attention and attending…and myriad other things. Nevertheless (I am persuaded) you are partially, if not totally convinced the man who wrote the first sentence here is the same as the last one writing the last sentence.

Yes, I am me, but I am also not so sure something hasn’t changed. Something intangible…even to me.

Body? The thing of material so often held as proof of being? “Show me God and I will believe” sort of thing? “Even if you can produce, or He would, some sort of smokey shadow out from nowhere…it would be enough,” some might say…”anything, anything at all (so called) verifiable to the senses”.

The weakest of all things, really, isn’t it? “One miracle, just one miracle…to be seen…if He really wants to make Himself known as so many say”. Or seem to.

That so called consciousness in demand of such proving has not yet learned (perhaps refuses to?) what a mystery it already is…and even to what would be called “itself”. How “it” has it, (is it in a hydrogen atom? Any number of groups of them and their multiple ascending conglomerates?) Where it comes from, where it abides, nor of restrictions to itself and allowances.


Even as to that “it” that has it when saying “I have consciousness”. Who are you? Are you the consciousness? ( I won’t call you God, but you might) Your consciousness? Some thing that has it? If so, who or what is the thing having? We could go on and on, no doubt about invisible and mysterious things. Like persons. What and who such is. What it means to say I am…this, or that, or such and such, or so and so.

One day you are going to find out there are only two men alive in the earth, you and the Lord.

Then maybe, and if so, you may discover you have always been dealing with the unseen to you, even particularly when not knowing it. Even your own “self”.

Who ascends?

This fellow, once blind, needed a second touch. The first left him only seeing men as trees walking.

And no more than that.

Yes, you and I are not the same. But hey, I’m not even the same as I was. Even five minutes ago. How far exactly might that time be divided down, as the unknown is moved through by each, or any?

A moment? A twinkling of any eye?

What is a moment…that it might become momentous?

Jesus said unto them, If ye were blind, ye should have no sin: but now ye say, We see; therefore your sin remaineth.

Yet, Pharisees can be changed.

Blinded by the light.

You gotta admit, (or maybe ya don’t) how easy it is to get carried away with power.

I can no more deny this of myself in particular than I can deny the disciple’s experience. It happens.

And the seventy returned again with joy, saying, Lord, even the devils are subject unto us through thy name.

Joy is a wonderful thing in its buoyancy, especially if one has even known the dread weights so commonly experienced upon the soul. Relief, but more. Happiness, but more. An estate of being carried along above considerations of care, worry, or doubt, but more. And there is a power in joy to lift, to elevate, to have even some imparting of a clarity often rare…even to some extent of (for us) how things should be.

It becomes less of a seeming mystery (if any remains of it) that:

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Also kind of hard to conceal and/or disguise. Simply because in that estate there is no care for such things as necessitate concealment or disguising…or even a tamping down. Joy is always surprisingly surprising. And mostly, and often, it only suffers by any trying to define or describe it, like a thing that vanishes when put under the microscope of logic.

Or, like an autopsy by examination, we may be able to say what killed a thing, but never find what made it alive in the first place. And we may be too often expert at stopping things for examination, not knowing it is our own ways of examination, or own ways of finding things out, our own ways of looking at and after things, is the very thing that robs sight of essence. Think butterfly pinned in display case for study.

(And God knows how tedious a man can be made in explanations! Ha!)

It may make a smart (to himself) man look stupid, or a stupid man look stupider. And if made aware of that estate, as if looking more the fool now being aware as being under the eye of others, the worse thing he may do might be the only thing then more present(ed) he sees to do, recover from it. For it is a very complete strain and drain upon the convinced joyless who are often not uneager to cast an eye of judgment upon it.

(Think David’s dancing and his wife Michal’s words, and both his response…and her reward.)

But for those (is it few?) not given over to such convincing, a hunger may be stirred. Or a curiosity that may engender to genuine interest if allowed full course.

Is that us? God knows.

Joy and source of it is for an “us” (if born of the spirit) particularly defined. Not for some inherent enforcement of restriction as is commonly assigned defining, but even contrariwise, for entrance into its, or a, fullness. Jesus says this:

These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.

These things have I spoken to you…

Which things? We might ask. Only those immediately prior? (No one necessarily wants to be accused of bad exegesis, even if the joyous don’t much care about accusations) Some things? All things(?) to some encompassing as might justifiably include, and be justified by our neither exempting nor excepting:

It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.

If we do not except, but rather accept that all of the Lord’s (is it our Lord’s?) words are of, and to, spirit and life, then even what may at first appear rebuke or reproval is/are no less so. We may do well to remember this bit of scripture in that regard:

The full soul loatheth an honeycomb; but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.

It may appear contradiction of sorts, my (or any man’s referencing) of the Lord’s will and desire for our fullness that seems in contradiction to the above verse quoted. The logic would appear to support against the hungry soul…if the Lord fills us all. And God forbid I or any speak in such manner against the Lord’s will and intent for us as believers. Or that in any way the fullness of Himself that He gives is ever in any less measure than the all of Himself…from most novice to most aged saint. God forbid.

Yet, we learn.

Perhaps even that there is a necessary maintenance of a hungry soul that does not belie the promise of fullness. And we may also learn it is not we ourselves, nor of ourselves, that such maintenance is ministered in order to fulfill a promise of blessedness as even in:

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.

We tend to, or more, like to feel filled, less so (it often seems) hungry and thirsty. For there we feel some impelling to do something about it. Do some work, take some action, find some food or drink, to alleviate or come to such “blessing” as we might describe being filled is.

Yet, hear the peculiarity, if you are made able.

The hungry and thirsty (in this case for righteousness) are already pronounced the blessed. And so what appears a great paradox is unveiled…it is the hungry and thirsty only that can receive the promise of being filled, and, if believing, do. As even indicated by hunger and thirst. Now the hungry soul that finds sweetness in even the bitter (or seeming so) morsel. And though not supported by man’s logic, is the only estate healthy for the disciple.

Every word. Every word is spirit and life. Rebuke. Reproval. Being contradicted by the Lord. Being told one knows not, or even knows nothing, by the Lord. Being told one is glorying in what ought to be shame…when by the Lord. You are being a presumptuous and spiteful wretch…when told by the Lord.

My own list is innumerable and for you would be an insufferable listing, but I assure you (as God is witness) that if it be for your health God must make it known to you, He would, and will. No one escapes being some form of example to, and for, the man in God’s clutch.

Yet, even that some of the things a man “like me” might enumerate as heard spoken to remain spirit and life spoken…when delivered of the Christ of God. We often make so much of certain things, perhaps even forgetting (or is it the not like remembering?) that even such as “get thee behind me Satan” in the Lord’s address to a man, is made spirit and life to him…because of whom the Christ of God is.

He alone is the deliverer, keeper, preserver, and glory of those that are His own, and they are appointed to know both it (salvation), and Him.

Yes, even the one whom, even as a disciple may find he has “let” a certain work through him to even rebuke the Lord.

Then Peter took him, and began to rebuke him, saying, Be it far from thee, Lord: this shall not be unto thee.

And I am far more inclined (even if it be just me, persuaded) it is only the mercy of God that reveals to us those places where we have sought to be the Lord’s counsellor and the folly of it.

And if there be as any who might seemingly (to me) “pearl clutch” and exclaim “O! But I have never done that nor ever would, that would be just crazy!”, I wonder if we have the same Lord. And communication if even possible between us, will be very very difficult.

But the good news is communication with me, as from me, or of me, is of absolutely no matter.

Nevertheless, I will testify of a man who has done all I cannot, could not (and would not) in His joy and the joy as set before Him, to endure the cross. Knowing so little of both it and Him, but with a hunger for what appears (to me) as righteousness (even Himself) and yes, even liberty (which is of Himself) I sense no inhibition to confess the many times when faced with this thing I know so little of, the cross, I have balked, stuttered…yes even stammered (in some form of advising)

“Lord, there’s gotta be another way”.

“Lord, this is just too much for me”

Yes silly child. All is. When will you be glad I got it?

And, I too, am stunned by power.

It may be foolishly, God knows. Making a stupid man look even stupider.

But God forbid I lay any burden upon any other to have to be “smart”.

So that even rebukes and corrections (of far too many to mention) have been changed in tone and hue by He who makes all things new…and even (even particularly) unto the way of spirit and life.

And the seventy returned again with joy, saying, Lord, even the devils are subject unto us through thy name.

And a few verses is later spoken:

Notwithstanding in this rejoice not, that the spirits are subject unto you; but rather rejoice, because your names are written in heaven.

“…in this, rejoice not,”

Maybe at best described as a mild rebuke? But perhaps not.
Because power over “things” has a way of turning a head.

Thanks be to God His cannot be turned from His own.

In His beholding them from where He is, and His beholding them in that to which He has moved them, redeemed as to and into Himself…where names are written to be discovered as never forgotten (even upon His hands)…and where “heaven is”.

In Him.

Where all joy is.